Ask Uncle Cranky

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Note: Uncle Cranky is not a professional therapist, nor does he have a doctorate in ANYTHING. He is a divorced drunk border lining on bankruptcy, which means he has the life experience to tell you the truth without bullshitting you. All questions that appear on Ask Uncle Cranky were swiped from actual advice columns.

01/01/08 Happy Goddamn New Year

Questions come from Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: It seems I will never meet my "Mr. Right." Every person I'm attracted to is either in a relationship or doesn't like me.

My questions are: (A) When is it OK to just "settle"? and (B) Do you have to be attracted to your Mr. Right, and/or can you take the risk that the "supposed" sparkle/love will come in time? -- TIRED OF DATING, LANDOVER, MD.

Maybe if you just looked for Mr. Right Now for some casual dating fun instead of trying to land a husband you might have a bit more success, fatty.

Do you have to be attracted to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? You know, as a woman you don't necessarily have to...as long as you can fake orgasms and are willing to stock lots of lube. Go for rich at least. You might as well get something out of it. Hey, better to be a gold digger than the cat lady.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: Our sister, "Dolly," is a control freak. She has been like this her whole life. Her husband died years ago, and the last thing he said to us was that he was better off dead than living the life he was living with her.

Dolly is now involved with a new man. They are living together, and she's doing the same thing to him that she did with her husband. We're not sure if we should warn him about her or leave it alone. They are planning to be married next summer.

I think he is having second thoughts, but is waiting to see if she changes. We can tell he's unhappy. Should we warn him or not? -- CRYSTAL IN CLEVELAND

No. Fuck him if he can't figure out your sister is batshit nuts. He's got 6 months to get out of there. If he has any brains at all, he'll bail.

I don't really care about all that...what fascinates me most is your sister's first husband. You didn't really clarify how he died. I'm guessing he kicked after an illness or cancer, maybe? If so, that means when he knew he was about to die, he said to his wife's family, "I'd rather be dead than with your sister." HAHA, WOW! That's fucked up!

Come ON, people! Get a goddamn divorce or dump them. Don't get to the point where a death sentence is an improvement in your life.

"Mr. Johnson, I'm afraid you have lung cancer."

"Oh, thank God. I was afraid I was going to have to listen to that bitch forever. She's the reason I started smoking, you know."

Uncle Cranky

11/11/07 People Need To Get Over Themselves

Questions come from Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: Here's my question: There are two sisters. One is a grandmother. Is her sister a "grand" aunt" or is she a "great" aunt"?

I say she's a grand-aunt. However, my wife -- the grandmother's sister -- says she's a great-aunt. How can that be? If that's true, then I would be a "great" grandfather instead of a true grandfather. Only you can straighten out this argument. Thanks! -- CHARLES P. IN BATAVIA, ILL.

Hey, Charles...You're not a great grandfather or a grandfather. You're a bored old fuck who needs to find something to do or die already. Look, if you really care about being a grandfather, then maybe you should have had kids of your own instead of mooching off of your wife's sister. Hell, I applaud you not having kids...I hate 'em. But I'm not looking to be a grandfather or a father or any of that shit. Get the fuck over it and go watch "Matlock", you miserable broken down jackass.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers, "Alexa," has a habit of biting her nails and chewing on her cuticles when she's talking to people. I'm sure it's just a nervous habit, but I am concerned because her fingers bleed from chewing on them so often.

Alexa and I work in an office that deals with a lot of paperwork, and I often work directly with her on projects. The habit itself is one thing, but because her fingers are constantly bleeding, I'm worried about the health risks this may be presenting.

I cringe when I have to handle documents after Alexa does, and I become sick to my stomach when she chews her cuticles when we're conversing. How should I handle this? -- GROSSED OUT IN BALTIMORE

Jesus, you need to grow a pair. Is there actual blood on the paper? Then tell her to put on some band-aids and go about your day. As for you getting "grossed out", they're just cuticles, dammit. It's not like she's morbidly obese or has a body odor that could curdle yogurt and make the plants die.

If you can't handle something this small in an office setting, then time to be a narc and tell your boss instead of being non-confrontational and writing "Abby". For God's sake, woman. You live in Baltimore, the most crime-ridden filthy fuck city I've ever been to. How are ugly fingernails the thing that "gets" you? You can't throw a rock anywhere in that town without hitting a crackwhore. Suck it up.

Uncle Cranky

07/16/07 Doggie Trouble and Mother-in-Awful

Questions come from Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I have started seeing a guy I love very much. I'll call him "Mitch." We spend a lot of time together. I have stayed with him while my 2-year-old son, "Caleb," visits his daddy.

I recently introduced Caleb to Mitch, and last weekend we both stayed at Mitch's place. The problem is, Mitch has a large dog that is very territorial and protective and isn't used to company. The dog, "Crusher," has shown aggression toward me, but it was nothing we couldn't handle. However, the dog is now being aggressive toward Caleb. On a couple of occasions, Crusher charged my son and left scratches.

Mitch and I have resorted to separating the two when Caleb is over. By "separating," I mean we have brought a few of Caleb's toys and his TV to set up in a room just for him. The problem is, Caleb is in the room with the door closed most of the time, while Crusher runs free in the house.

Abby, my son's life was turned upside down when my husband and I divorced. Now he has had to adjust to the fact that when he's with Mitch and me, he must be carried around for fear of the dog. I haven't come out and asked Mitch to get rid of Crusher, or even to limit him when we are in the house. Is this something I have a right to ask?

Mitch has been a bachelor all his life, and I'm afraid if I confront him about this he will feel I am making him choose between me and his dog. Please give me some advice.

Your boyfriend's dog is an asshole...which is fine. I'm an asshole, and I don't like children either. However, I can behave myself, or I leave the room if I'm about to be aggressive. I only wish I too could lick my balls.

I'm getting off the subject. Sorry. The point is, if the dog is an asshole, the owner probably is one too. I mean, he named the dog "Crusher" for fuck's sake. I bet he owns a big shitty truck and never hauls anything in it...or a Hummer. Mitch owns a Hummer, doesn't he?

You're going to need to make choice here, lady...if you're looking for a long-term relationship, bachelor Mitch with the jagoff dog isn't the right choice. He doesn't even have sense enough to put up his goddamn dog when there's a 2 year-old around? There's a word for that...it's "asshole." However, if you're looking just to keep fucking Mr. Bad-Ass, then get a babysitter and ride the motherfucker.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: How would you handle someone who shuns sick people? My mother-in-law does not like sick people and goes out of her way to shun them.

When my husband and I were planning our wedding, my mother was terminally ill, and his mother said some negative things about my mother attending our wedding. Recently, our son had minor surgery, and when my husband called to tell his mother about it, she said, "Thanks for calling," and hung up!

Do I just accept this is how she is and move on, or should I ask my husband to talk to her? If you print this, please do not use my name. -- OFFENDED IN VIRGINIA

I don't condone violence...okay, yes I do. Your mother-in-law deserves a firm punch in the twat. Then turn around and kick your husband in the dick for being such a lily-ass momma's boy that he didn't tell her off and defend you and your family.

You say fuck it, that's what you do. You don't do anything, because you're not going to change a bitter cunt. What you do is wait until she gets sick herself, then avoid her ass. When she calls on the phone and asks why you don't come to visit, you say, "Ew, germs! Bye Nana!" Then hang up on her and giggle your ass off.

Uncle Cranky

12/05/06 These People Need Real Problems

Questions come from Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: We are a small family of four living on my husband's income. We have a small farm that I run, and I home-school my children. My husband works full time in another job. We aren't poor, but we do have to count our nickels and dimes and budget for things we want.

This is the first year we have splurged on gifts for the children, and we spent more on my sister-in-law because, for once, we had a little extra to spend. It has brought us joy that we can be a bit more generous.

Now that our Christmas budget is spent, my sister-in-law has asked twice that we purchase gifts for her dog -- wrapped, no less -- because her dog likes opening packages! I ignored her request the first time. After the second one, I told her we don't ask people to purchase gifts for our kids, and we don't purchase gifts for other people's pets. Now she's offended.

Abby, it may not seem like a lot, but for us, it's a big deal when we get to purchase a movie and a pizza every few months. We never ask anything of anyone. We're a happy, tight-knit family regardless of our financial status.

My husband has had enough. He's tired of his sister's self-absorption and wants to tell her to grow up and that the world does not revolve around her and her dog. Instead, I asked her to simply return any gifts she has bought for us and spend the money on her dog. Are we being unreasonable? -- IN THE DOGHOUSE IN ALASKA

Are you being unreasonable? You write a letter to a columnist...you can ask anything you want about any problems in life, and you want to know if refusing to buy gifts for a goddamn dog that you don't even own is unreasonable? What the fuck is wrong with you, lady? The dog would be as happy licking its own genitalia as it would receiving a gift from you. Your husband's sister is lonely, stupid, and, I'm guessing, fat. Give her a vibrator for Christmas and tell her to go fuck herself.

As for you, why don't next time you write in to Abby about how you can make things better for yourself financially? Or about how by home-schooling your children and keeping them on your farm all the time might make them socially retarded in the long run? You know, actual important shit, you moron. My advice? Either send your kids to school now or put them to fucking work on the farm. Get those little free-loaders working for you! It's not child labor if they're related to you.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: Please settle a disagreement between my husband and me. When we get in line at the checkout stand at the grocery store, he says if the bar is not behind the groceries of the person in front of you, that we need to wait until they're done before putting our groceries on the counter. (Sometimes I can't reach the bar.)

I say it's rude for the shopper in front not to put up the bar if it's out of my reach, and I put the groceries on the counter, leaving an obvious space. Who's right? -- KATHY IN ORLANDO, FLA.

Kathy,

Before I answer your question, let me say this. We have a President who would rather let Americans serving in the military continue to die in Iraq (not to mention the thousands upon thousands of Iraqi locals) than to change his game plan or even admit his administration is wrong. Homeland Security is a fucking joke. People lose their jobs to outsourcing every day so corporations can make their share-holders money. There are millions starving all over the world. We're losing our polar ice caps and the environment's going to shit. Racism is alive and well in this country. Religious fanatics oppress and sometimes kill people who don't believe what they do. The rich get richer and the poor get screwed. Keanu Reeves still gets work.

Now, back to your question. I think the correct answer is: Your husband is unhappy with your relationship and doesn't have the balls to end it right now. So what does instead is relieve his dissatisfaction with the marriage by arguing with you about STUPID FUCKING SHIT like this. Tell me the truth, Kath-Kath. You had this argument once a few weeks ago, and it's been bothering you ever since, hasn't it? You just have to be right, don't you? I mean, you ARE right, but nobody gives a shit. I think you better pay more attention to things that are actually important. If you don't, you'll find yourself divorced in a few years due to the affair your husband will have, and then you'll have PLENTY of time to dwell over grocery store counter etiquette. Stupid twat.

Uncle Cranky

09/22/06 All I Have is My Giant Wang!

This question comes from the "Advice Goddess" Amy Alkon.

This is gonna sound like a joke, but I swear it's not. I'm an unattractive guy (not hideous, but pretty ugly) who's overweight and really socially awkward. When it comes to talking with women, I just clam up. About the only thing I have going for me is a huge penis. While attractive guys with tiny penises and ugly dudes with suave personalities can land women, I never even get a girl to go home with me, let alone get into a relationship, which is what I want. I know a lot of women don't care about size, but I also know some do. Am I crazy to think some women would look past my faults if only they knew what I was packing? --Big Loser

Hey...Don Juan...you're a liar. Fat white guys don't have big dicks.

"Awww, that's mean." Is it? Hey, ladies...The biggest dick you've ever seen...was it on a fat guy? (Ron Jeremy doesn't count) If I get one chick (or gay guy) that tells me honestly that they've seen a giant schlong on a tubby fucker I'll retract my statement.

But let's say that's true. How the fuck are you socially awkward if you're packing? You'd have the self-confidence of...well...a porn star. So I'm calling bullshit...again.

Also, if you don't get into relationships or get a girl home with you...how do you know it's big? Are you pressing it up against the TV screen and comparing it to porn videos? I don't think that's an accurate measurement, porky.

Go to the gym, buy some new clothes, groom yourself and signup for a dating service. And try not to bring up your package, will ya? Jackass.

Oh, and why write in to Amy Alkon? Ugh. Anyone who calls themselves a goddess or diva probably needs a swift kick in their empowered vagina.

Uncle Cranky

09/19/06 Letters From People Who Should Already Know the Answers to Their Questions

These come from Dear Abby. Again.

DEAR ABBY: My older sister, "Alia," is being married in November at a fancy resort. Her fiance manages the place, so they are getting a reception for next to nothing. Because it is a nighttime, black-tie affair, Alia prefers to have no children at the reception. Children will be welcome at the church, and baby sitters will be provided during the reception afterward. Furthermore, the children will be treated to a pizza party, games and movies.

Alia has never related well to children, but she doesn't want to offend anyone. However, my "Aunt Julia" (who has three small children) has gotten wind of this, called Alia and chewed her out, and said her children go "everywhere" with her and that excluding them is an "insult." (These are the same kids who ran wild at our cousin's wedding last month, and one of them spilled red wine on Alia's bridesmaid dress.)

Is my sister being rude by excluding children from the reception? Our little sister, "Emily," is 9, and she will be in the children's room and not at the main reception. (And frankly, she's more excited about that than anything.) Please advise, because Alia is sensitive and doesn't want to offend people. -- CARING SISTER, KENTWOOD, MICH.

Your Aunt Julia is either divorced, or she's a widow. Any man who has to be around a twat like that and 3 uncontrollable little shits will either leave or shoot himself in the head. Does she really think her kids would rather be around mommy than eating pizza and watching movies? I bet she still breast feeds them.

You need to tell your Aunt Julia to suck your non-existent cock. Actually, get drunk at the reception and THEN tell her to suck your non-existent cock. That way you can blame it on the booze. Oh, and kick one of her kids. The ugliest one.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, my husband and I had to go back to our home state for a family funeral. We have been married more than 25 years. While we were there, his ex-wife came to his father's home (we were staying there), and later to the visitation and funeral. She and I seemed to hit it off well.

On the way home, my hubby told me she waited until I left the room, then kissed him on the cheek in front of the whole family and told him she still loves him. That's not all. I asked him if, for one minute, he was sorry he had married me. He said, and I quote, "No, but if I had known she still loved me, I would have never remarried." I was crushed.

After we got home he told me he would not leave me for her, but if I should die before him, he would be knocking on her door. That also hurt.

Abby, she hadn't seen him or anyone else in the family for 25 years! Why would she even show up at the funeral if not for wanting to see if she could get back with him? I can't seem to get over the feeling that my husband never was really in love with me -- that maybe he just married me so he would not be alone. What should I do? Should I even bring this subject up to him again? It has been five months and I am ... BROKENHEARTED IN FLORIDA

Don't take offense to this, but I'm impressed with your husband. Most men after 25 years of a marriage they settled for are so dead on the inside that they say whatever their wives want to hear.

But what do you do now that you know you're married to an honest, insensitive shitbag? Pretend it didn't happen knowing he's waiting for you to DIE so he can fuck his ex-wife again? I say take his money and get a cabana boy...or two. You're already "brokenhearted". If you're going to fuck someone who doesn't truly love you, he might as well be hot.

Uncle Cranky

06/18/06 Waaah…I Love Him…Waaaaahhh

This question is from Dear Abby. Big surprise.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl who fell in love with a 19-year-old guy. I care about him very much -- in fact, I love him. He said he cares about me, too, but doesn't want a relationship. I can understand that, but sometimes I feel as if he used me for his own needs. He's not the type of guy who does that, but it crosses my mind.

Now he has moved three states away, leaving me here to rot alone. Should I tell him how I feel, so maybe he will come back? Or do I move on and not find out what I mean to him? -- LOST IN MISSOURI

Dear Lost,

Let's address your letter line by line as you are both 16 and extremely stupid.

I'm a 16-year-old girl who fell in love with a 19-year-old guy. - High school chicks do this all the time. That's fine. Just wait until you're senior and all of the guys in your class take younger girls to the prom instead of you. Payback's a bitch.

I care about him very much -- in fact, I love him. - Of course you do. You fucked him. Probably your first time, wasn't it?

He said he cares about me, too, - He doesn't.

but doesn't want a relationship. - Correct.

I can understand that, but sometimes I feel as if he used me for his own needs. - He did.

He's not the type of guy who does that, - Yes he is.

but it crosses my mind. - It crosses your mind because that's logic and reason trying to break through and bitch-slap some sense into you.

Now he has moved three states away, leaving me here to rot alone. - Of course he did. And you'll do the same thing in a few years...because you live in Missouri. Oh, and knock off the emo-kid-nothing-matters-I'm-dying-on-the-inside bullshit. You're sixteen.You're heartbroken. Oh no. That has NEVER happened to someone your age. Tell you what... wait 14 years. If you're still in your hometown at age 30 unhappy with 4 kids and no husband, then you can say that you're rotting alone in Missouri.

Should I tell him how I feel, so maybe he will come back? Or do I move on and not find out what I mean to him? - Read this back to yourself. He already knows how you feel (and how your pussy feels), and he's not coming back. What, do you think he moved 3 states away to play hard to get? Move on, you dumb twat.

Oh, and here's something to remember: a guy will say anything to get you in bed. You'll see what a guy's really like AFTER you fuck him. Notice how he waited to tell you that he didn't want a relationship until after the sex? There you go. My advice is have sex early on when there's very little emotional attachment. Of course, this is my advice to all ladies because I think sluts rule.

Uncle Cranky

05/24/06 People Who Write to Abby are Clueless

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a serious relationship for 13 months. The woman I am with has a daughter who is 15 months old. I am the only father figure that has ever been in her life. Her biological father, "Ethan," saw her only twice. I have been supporting my lady and her child for a while.

Last January, Ethan died, and my lady took it hard. Last Saturday, she got his name tattooed on her back without consulting me. She didn't tell me until after it was done, and it upset me. We are supposed to be married soon.

Every time we make love, that tattoo reminds me of Ethan. I feel she should have asked me what I thought about the idea first. She expects me to consult her about things that I do before I do them. Am I wrong for expecting the same respect from her as I give her? Should I tell her how I feel, or should I avoid having a confrontation with her and try to forget about it? -- ANGRY AND CONFUSED IN PHOENIX

Dear Angry: Hey, this doesn't sound like a big deal. Just because you have to read the dead prick's name written on your woman's back every time you pork her from behind...no problem right? Hell, maybe you can make a game of it and aim for the name every time you cum.

What's the matter with you, asshole? Can't you see it's obvious that Ethan dumped her and she's not over him? It's been 13 months and you're still just someone she's settling for...you're a meal ticket and a sucker. Time to go find a chick who'll appreciate you...and who doesn't have a list of people she's banged listed on her body.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: I am 15. My younger brother, "Mikey," is 7. I enjoy watching a television show that is rated PG-13. My parents didn't mind my watching it until a few weeks ago.

Over the last couple of weeks, Mikey has been coming into my room while I'm watching the show. When I ask him to leave, he throws a fit. He then goes into his room and watches it, thinking no one will find out.

Mikey has been imitating some of the violence on the show, and my parents are blaming me for showing it to him. Now they are threatening to take away my privilege of watching the show. What can I do to convince them that I am not exposing him to the violence? -- DAVID IN LIVERPOOL, N.Y.

David: What the fuck is wrong with you? What's a 15 year old doing writing Dear Abby? Do you read Guideposts too? What's the show that you're afraid of losing, "Matlock"?

No normal 15 year old considers watching a network TV show a privilege. This is a bullshit letter written by someone on the Dear Abby staff trying to make Abigail Van Buren seem like she has young people who read her column. Well, they don't, jackass. Bored housewives and old people waiting to die are the only ones who like you. Know your demographic and cut this shit out.

If you are real, David, don't worry about it. In a year you'll be driving legally and trying to fuck chicks in the back of your parents' car you borrowed without asking. The last thing you'll want to do is watch "House".

Also, your 7 year old brother has a TV in his room?? Fuck you, David, you rich, spoiled douchebag. I hope you get genital warts.

Uncle Cranky

04/12/06 How Do I Avoid Giving Out My Number?

Dear Abby,

I am a single woman in my 20s and would like to know a good way to decline a man's request for my telephone number at a party or social situation. I'm not crazy about saying that I don't give out my number, because the truth is, if I was interested in the guy, I would give it to him. Too often I end up giving my number and then feeling guilty when screening my calls and not returning his.

Please don't tell me I should "give the guy a chance" -- some of these men are 20-plus years older than I am. -- SCREENING MY CALLS IN SAN DIEGO

Dear Clueless,

It's really not difficult to shatter an older man's ego and reject him. There are plenty of ways to do this in a creative and entertaining way. The more fun you have shooting down horny men, the less guilty you'll feel. Here's some suggestions:

1) Tell him you're name is Jenny and give out 867-5309. (Yes, I realize this suggestion is trite. Sorry. Tommy Tutone references make me laugh)

2) Give them this number: (619)226-2333. It's for a Pizza Hut in San Diego. When the guy realizes he's been duped, he'll only be depressed until he realizes he can feed his pain with a large 2-topping.

3) Give the guy the number of the most abusive, short-tempered asshole you've ever dated. That way, you'll fuck with both of them.

4) 858-492-8002...Rejection Hotline in San Diego (Austin people, use 512-647-4813). Call it. It rules.

5) Ask for his number instead. When he gives it to you, tear it in half and cackle, "Ha! I did the Vince Vaughn from 'Swingers'! Did you see me? I am SO money!"

6) From Steph: "How about just, 'no'. Man up, nancy lady. just tell the guy you don't give your number out to strangers. or tell him you're not interested. or remind him of the fact that he's old enough to be your father, and that's just disgusting. don't give him false hope. Besides, guys like that usually troll a party asking every pretty young girl they can for their number, hoping for a pity date followed by pity b.j."

7) "It depends. Do you like it when girls shit in your mouth?" (Note: This one might backfire on you)

As you can see, there are plenty of ways to avoid giving out your number to douchebags. Just be creative, goddammit! And realize this: in 15 years or so, they may stop asking you. Enjoy being annoyed by them now.

Uncle Cranky

03/20/06 Wigs and Books

DEAR ABBY: I am a professional man in my early 40s. When I was in my late teens, I started losing my hair. By the time I was 22, I was almost completely bald.

Someone suggested that I get a wig, so I did. I have been wearing it for years. Now, however, I'm uncomfortable with the wig. I think it's obvious that it's not my own hair, and I'm self-conscious about it.

I'd like to stop wearing the wig, but I wonder what my co-workers will think. Also, my mother tells me that my head is shaped a little "funny." But I feel like a fraud when I'm wearing the darn thing. What do you suggest? -- BALD IN BALTIMORE

If YOU think it's obvious that it's not your own hair, don't you think your co-workers have figured it out? This is assuming they can tell the difference between 40 year-old graying hair on the sides of your melon and that tacky fuckin' merkin. The only ruckus you'll cause by taking that rug off is you'll end all the jokes they tell about you when you're not in the room.

Hey, is your real name Oedipus? No? Then why do you give a shit what your mother thinks about the shape of your head if you're not trying to fuck her? Hell, it's probably her snatch's fault you've got an odd-shaped head anyway. (BTW, if you do want to do your mom, I suggest you write another letter)

You know where you never see wigs? In a fucking bar...because drunk people are loud and honest, unlike your pussy co-workers. You try wearing that mop in my bar, we'll use it like a frisbee. So take it off, shave the sides, and buy a Porsche to compensate.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: I am an avid reader -- a true book lover. Sometimes I like to share my favorite books with friends. Right now, I have loaned out about 20 books to various people. I am sure I placed a name and address in each one to be sure I would get it back.

It has been almost two years, Abby, and the books have not been returned.

When you loan someone a book, it's because you really enjoyed it. You may want to read it again or pass it on to others. I don't know how people can be so neglectful about returning things that don't belong to them.

If you print this, it may jog the memories of the guilty people who have borrowed items and don't think they have to return them. I'm sure others feel as I do -- that if you lend something out, it does not give the person the right to keep it indefinitely. -- BOOK LOVER IN PENNSYLVANIA

Hey, BITCH! Pick up a goddamn telephone!

And get laid soon, you address-printing, anal-retentive freakshow. Less stimulation of the brain...more stimulation of the vagina.

Oh, and if this was actually a guy who sent in this letter...my response is the same.

Uncle Cranky

02/07/06 Sympathy and Makeup

It's time to rip the teen advice columns from Focus on the Family again. These come from "Dear Susie" from Brio Magazine for girls.

Dear Susie:

Im from Virginia, and Im having trouble feeling compassion for the people who were devastated by Hurricane Katrina. I cant imagine what theyre going through, and I know God wants us to feel badly for them, but I just cant.

Ive seen devastation in Homestead, Fla., destroyed by Hurricane Andrew about 10 years ago and I loved and cared for people who were hurt. Ive also seen the devastation when our own state capitol, Richmond, was flooded for months by Hurricane Gaston.

Ive prayed about it, but compassion hasnt come to me. I apologize if I offend anyone with this note, because I know that people are hurting. I pray for them consistently, but I still cant find compassion for those who were hurt by this tragedy.

Wondering

Midlothian, Va.

Well, Wondering, I completely understand how you're feeling. Oh wait. No I don't. You're fucked up.

Let's pretend that you're not so stupid that you saw the footage of the devastation and body count and couldn't tell the difference between this disaster and your own local hurricanes. There must be another reason that you don't feel bad for the victims of Katrina. I think it brings up an important question: Do you dislike just black people or all poor people in general?

I think it's probably the latter. You're a well-to-do white girl in a Christian household in Virginia...I'm guessing your parents (who vote Republican) raised you to believe that poor people are in the situation they are in due to having children out of wedlock and not being good Christians. Take it from me, church-going folk like you tend to believe this even though there's a story in the Bible about Job being tried by God in a cruel little bet with Satan. Naaah, that doesn't pertain to anyone else, right? We poor fucks deserve it! If we followed Jesus and supported our President, everything would be okay, right?

Fuck you. I hope your boyfriend forgets to pull out in the next couple years, and then after you have to get married and have your kid and you get all fat and unattractive, he leaves you for a stripper...with big tits.

Uncle Cranky

Dear Susie:

A woman in my church says its wrong to wear makeup. What do you think?

If you're not going to wear ANY makeup, why even shave your legs? Why look attractive at all? Sex is not just for conceiving. She wears makeup to church, doesn't she?

Ask the woman in your church how she was when she was in her teens and early twenties. I bet she got fucked so hard in the back of a Buick that her makeup smeared all over the seat...and she liked it. She's since been married and had kids (maybe even grandkids) and has forgotten what it's like to have a sex drive and enjoy herself. Tell that hairy troll that Uncle Cranky says to eat a big dick and return to your roots.

Uncle Cranky

12/16/05 No Doesn't Always Mean No...Sometimes It Means You're Fucked Up

This appears from Ask Dr. Tracy .

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I do not understand the double standard that a guy cannot say, "No" to sex with out the being deemed as having problems.

In my last three relationships the women have left me because I have wanted to take the relationship slowly. Each time it has centered around the fact that I have said, "No" to intercourse.