Ask Uncle Cranky

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Note: Uncle Cranky is not a professional therapist, nor does he have a doctorate in ANYTHING. He is a divorced drunk border lining on bankruptcy, which means he has the life experience to tell you the truth without bullshitting you. All questions that appear on Ask Uncle Cranky were swiped from actual advice columns.

01/01/08 Happy Goddamn New Year

Questions come from Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: It seems I will never meet my "Mr. Right." Every person I'm attracted to is either in a relationship or doesn't like me.

My questions are: (A) When is it OK to just "settle"? and (B) Do you have to be attracted to your Mr. Right, and/or can you take the risk that the "supposed" sparkle/love will come in time? -- TIRED OF DATING, LANDOVER, MD.

Maybe if you just looked for Mr. Right Now for some casual dating fun instead of trying to land a husband you might have a bit more success, fatty.

Do you have to be attracted to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? You know, as a woman you don't necessarily have to...as long as you can fake orgasms and are willing to stock lots of lube. Go for rich at least. You might as well get something out of it. Hey, better to be a gold digger than the cat lady.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: Our sister, "Dolly," is a control freak. She has been like this her whole life. Her husband died years ago, and the last thing he said to us was that he was better off dead than living the life he was living with her.

Dolly is now involved with a new man. They are living together, and she's doing the same thing to him that she did with her husband. We're not sure if we should warn him about her or leave it alone. They are planning to be married next summer.

I think he is having second thoughts, but is waiting to see if she changes. We can tell he's unhappy. Should we warn him or not? -- CRYSTAL IN CLEVELAND

No. Fuck him if he can't figure out your sister is batshit nuts. He's got 6 months to get out of there. If he has any brains at all, he'll bail.

I don't really care about all that...what fascinates me most is your sister's first husband. You didn't really clarify how he died. I'm guessing he kicked after an illness or cancer, maybe? If so, that means when he knew he was about to die, he said to his wife's family, "I'd rather be dead than with your sister." HAHA, WOW! That's fucked up!

Come ON, people! Get a goddamn divorce or dump them. Don't get to the point where a death sentence is an improvement in your life.

"Mr. Johnson, I'm afraid you have lung cancer."

"Oh, thank God. I was afraid I was going to have to listen to that bitch forever. She's the reason I started smoking, you know."

Uncle Cranky

11/11/07 People Need To Get Over Themselves

Questions come from Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: Here's my question: There are two sisters. One is a grandmother. Is her sister a "grand" aunt" or is she a "great" aunt"?

I say she's a grand-aunt. However, my wife -- the grandmother's sister -- says she's a great-aunt. How can that be? If that's true, then I would be a "great" grandfather instead of a true grandfather. Only you can straighten out this argument. Thanks! -- CHARLES P. IN BATAVIA, ILL.

Hey, Charles...You're not a great grandfather or a grandfather. You're a bored old fuck who needs to find something to do or die already. Look, if you really care about being a grandfather, then maybe you should have had kids of your own instead of mooching off of your wife's sister. Hell, I applaud you not having kids...I hate 'em. But I'm not looking to be a grandfather or a father or any of that shit. Get the fuck over it and go watch "Matlock", you miserable broken down jackass.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers, "Alexa," has a habit of biting her nails and chewing on her cuticles when she's talking to people. I'm sure it's just a nervous habit, but I am concerned because her fingers bleed from chewing on them so often.

Alexa and I work in an office that deals with a lot of paperwork, and I often work directly with her on projects. The habit itself is one thing, but because her fingers are constantly bleeding, I'm worried about the health risks this may be presenting.

I cringe when I have to handle documents after Alexa does, and I become sick to my stomach when she chews her cuticles when we're conversing. How should I handle this? -- GROSSED OUT IN BALTIMORE

Jesus, you need to grow a pair. Is there actual blood on the paper? Then tell her to put on some band-aids and go about your day. As for you getting "grossed out", they're just cuticles, dammit. It's not like she's morbidly obese or has a body odor that could curdle yogurt and make the plants die.

If you can't handle something this small in an office setting, then time to be a narc and tell your boss instead of being non-confrontational and writing "Abby". For God's sake, woman. You live in Baltimore, the most crime-ridden filthy fuck city I've ever been to. How are ugly fingernails the thing that "gets" you? You can't throw a rock anywhere in that town without hitting a crackwhore. Suck it up.

Uncle Cranky

07/16/07 Doggie Trouble and Mother-in-Awful

Questions come from Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I have started seeing a guy I love very much. I'll call him "Mitch." We spend a lot of time together. I have stayed with him while my 2-year-old son, "Caleb," visits his daddy.

I recently introduced Caleb to Mitch, and last weekend we both stayed at Mitch's place. The problem is, Mitch has a large dog that is very territorial and protective and isn't used to company. The dog, "Crusher," has shown aggression toward me, but it was nothing we couldn't handle. However, the dog is now being aggressive toward Caleb. On a couple of occasions, Crusher charged my son and left scratches.

Mitch and I have resorted to separating the two when Caleb is over. By "separating," I mean we have brought a few of Caleb's toys and his TV to set up in a room just for him. The problem is, Caleb is in the room with the door closed most of the time, while Crusher runs free in the house.

Abby, my son's life was turned upside down when my husband and I divorced. Now he has had to adjust to the fact that when he's with Mitch and me, he must be carried around for fear of the dog. I haven't come out and asked Mitch to get rid of Crusher, or even to limit him when we are in the house. Is this something I have a right to ask?

Mitch has been a bachelor all his life, and I'm afraid if I confront him about this he will feel I am making him choose between me and his dog. Please give me some advice.

Your boyfriend's dog is an asshole...which is fine. I'm an asshole, and I don't like children either. However, I can behave myself, or I leave the room if I'm about to be aggressive. I only wish I too could lick my balls.

I'm getting off the subject. Sorry. The point is, if the dog is an asshole, the owner probably is one too. I mean, he named the dog "Crusher" for fuck's sake. I bet he owns a big shitty truck and never hauls anything in it...or a Hummer. Mitch owns a Hummer, doesn't he?

You're going to need to make choice here, lady...if you're looking for a long-term relationship, bachelor Mitch with the jagoff dog isn't the right choice. He doesn't even have sense enough to put up his goddamn dog when there's a 2 year-old around? There's a word for that...it's "asshole." However, if you're looking just to keep fucking Mr. Bad-Ass, then get a babysitter and ride the motherfucker.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: How would you handle someone who shuns sick people? My mother-in-law does not like sick people and goes out of her way to shun them.

When my husband and I were planning our wedding, my mother was terminally ill, and his mother said some negative things about my mother attending our wedding. Recently, our son had minor surgery, and when my husband called to tell his mother about it, she said, "Thanks for calling," and hung up!

Do I just accept this is how she is and move on, or should I ask my husband to talk to her? If you print this, please do not use my name. -- OFFENDED IN VIRGINIA

I don't condone violence...okay, yes I do. Your mother-in-law deserves a firm punch in the twat. Then turn around and kick your husband in the dick for being such a lily-ass momma's boy that he didn't tell her off and defend you and your family.

You say fuck it, that's what you do. You don't do anything, because you're not going to change a bitter cunt. What you do is wait until she gets sick herself, then avoid her ass. When she calls on the phone and asks why you don't come to visit, you say, "Ew, germs! Bye Nana!" Then hang up on her and giggle your ass off.

Uncle Cranky

12/05/06 These People Need Real Problems

Questions come from Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: We are a small family of four living on my husband's income. We have a small farm that I run, and I home-school my children. My husband works full time in another job. We aren't poor, but we do have to count our nickels and dimes and budget for things we want.

This is the first year we have splurged on gifts for the children, and we spent more on my sister-in-law because, for once, we had a little extra to spend. It has brought us joy that we can be a bit more generous.

Now that our Christmas budget is spent, my sister-in-law has asked twice that we purchase gifts for her dog -- wrapped, no less -- because her dog likes opening packages! I ignored her request the first time. After the second one, I told her we don't ask people to purchase gifts for our kids, and we don't purchase gifts for other people's pets. Now she's offended.

Abby, it may not seem like a lot, but for us, it's a big deal when we get to purchase a movie and a pizza every few months. We never ask anything of anyone. We're a happy, tight-knit family regardless of our financial status.

My husband has had enough. He's tired of his sister's self-absorption and wants to tell her to grow up and that the world does not revolve around her and her dog. Instead, I asked her to simply return any gifts she has bought for us and spend the money on her dog. Are we being unreasonable? -- IN THE DOGHOUSE IN ALASKA

Are you being unreasonable? You write a letter to a columnist...you can ask anything you want about any problems in life, and you want to know if refusing to buy gifts for a goddamn dog that you don't even own is unreasonable? What the fuck is wrong with you, lady? The dog would be as happy licking its own genitalia as it would receiving a gift from you. Your husband's sister is lonely, stupid, and, I'm guessing, fat. Give her a vibrator for Christmas and tell her to go fuck herself.

As for you, why don't next time you write in to Abby about how you can make things better for yourself financially? Or about how by home-schooling your children and keeping them on your farm all the time might make them socially retarded in the long run? You know, actual important shit, you moron. My advice? Either send your kids to school now or put them to fucking work on the farm. Get those little free-loaders working for you! It's not child labor if they're related to you.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: Please settle a disagreement between my husband and me. When we get in line at the checkout stand at the grocery store, he says if the bar is not behind the groceries of the person in front of you, that we need to wait until they're done before putting our groceries on the counter. (Sometimes I can't reach the bar.)

I say it's rude for the shopper in front not to put up the bar if it's out of my reach, and I put the groceries on the counter, leaving an obvious space. Who's right? -- KATHY IN ORLANDO, FLA.

Kathy,

Before I answer your question, let me say this. We have a President who would rather let Americans serving in the military continue to die in Iraq (not to mention the thousands upon thousands of Iraqi locals) than to change his game plan or even admit his administration is wrong. Homeland Security is a fucking joke. People lose their jobs to outsourcing every day so corporations can make their share-holders money. There are millions starving all over the world. We're losing our polar ice caps and the environment's going to shit. Racism is alive and well in this country. Religious fanatics oppress and sometimes kill people who don't believe what they do. The rich get richer and the poor get screwed. Keanu Reeves still gets work.

Now, back to your question. I think the correct answer is: Your husband is unhappy with your relationship and doesn't have the balls to end it right now. So what does instead is relieve his dissatisfaction with the marriage by arguing with you about STUPID FUCKING SHIT like this. Tell me the truth, Kath-Kath. You had this argument once a few weeks ago, and it's been bothering you ever since, hasn't it? You just have to be right, don't you? I mean, you ARE right, but nobody gives a shit. I think you better pay more attention to things that are actually important. If you don't, you'll find yourself divorced in a few years due to the affair your husband will have, and then you'll have PLENTY of time to dwell over grocery store counter etiquette. Stupid twat.

Uncle Cranky

09/22/06 All I Have is My Giant Wang!

This question comes from the "Advice Goddess" Amy Alkon.

This is gonna sound like a joke, but I swear it's not. I'm an unattractive guy (not hideous, but pretty ugly) who's overweight and really socially awkward. When it comes to talking with women, I just clam up. About the only thing I have going for me is a huge penis. While attractive guys with tiny penises and ugly dudes with suave personalities can land women, I never even get a girl to go home with me, let alone get into a relationship, which is what I want. I know a lot of women don't care about size, but I also know some do. Am I crazy to think some women would look past my faults if only they knew what I was packing? --Big Loser

Hey...Don Juan...you're a liar. Fat white guys don't have big dicks.

"Awww, that's mean." Is it? Hey, ladies...The biggest dick you've ever seen...was it on a fat guy? (Ron Jeremy doesn't count) If I get one chick (or gay guy) that tells me honestly that they've seen a giant schlong on a tubby fucker I'll retract my statement.

But let's say that's true. How the fuck are you socially awkward if you're packing? You'd have the self-confidence of...well...a porn star. So I'm calling bullshit...again.

Also, if you don't get into relationships or get a girl home with you...how do you know it's big? Are you pressing it up against the TV screen and comparing it to porn videos? I don't think that's an accurate measurement, porky.

Go to the gym, buy some new clothes, groom yourself and signup for a dating service. And try not to bring up your package, will ya? Jackass.

Oh, and why write in to Amy Alkon? Ugh. Anyone who calls themselves a goddess or diva probably needs a swift kick in their empowered vagina.

Uncle Cranky

09/19/06 Letters From People Who Should Already Know the Answers to Their Questions

These come from Dear Abby. Again.

DEAR ABBY: My older sister, "Alia," is being married in November at a fancy resort. Her fiance manages the place, so they are getting a reception for next to nothing. Because it is a nighttime, black-tie affair, Alia prefers to have no children at the reception. Children will be welcome at the church, and baby sitters will be provided during the reception afterward. Furthermore, the children will be treated to a pizza party, games and movies.

Alia has never related well to children, but she doesn't want to offend anyone. However, my "Aunt Julia" (who has three small children) has gotten wind of this, called Alia and chewed her out, and said her children go "everywhere" with her and that excluding them is an "insult." (These are the same kids who ran wild at our cousin's wedding last month, and one of them spilled red wine on Alia's bridesmaid dress.)

Is my sister being rude by excluding children from the reception? Our little sister, "Emily," is 9, and she will be in the children's room and not at the main reception. (And frankly, she's more excited about that than anything.) Please advise, because Alia is sensitive and doesn't want to offend people. -- CARING SISTER, KENTWOOD, MICH.

Your Aunt Julia is either divorced, or she's a widow. Any man who has to be around a twat like that and 3 uncontrollable little shits will either leave or shoot himself in the head. Does she really think her kids would rather be around mommy than eating pizza and watching movies? I bet she still breast feeds them.

You need to tell your Aunt Julia to suck your non-existent cock. Actually, get drunk at the reception and THEN tell her to suck your non-existent cock. That way you can blame it on the booze. Oh, and kick one of her kids. The ugliest one.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, my husband and I had to go back to our home state for a family funeral. We have been married more than 25 years. While we were there, his ex-wife came to his father's home (we were staying there), and later to the visitation and funeral. She and I seemed to hit it off well.

On the way home, my hubby told me she waited until I left the room, then kissed him on the cheek in front of the whole family and told him she still loves him. That's not all. I asked him if, for one minute, he was sorry he had married me. He said, and I quote, "No, but if I had known she still loved me, I would have never remarried." I was crushed.

After we got home he told me he would not leave me for her, but if I should die before him, he would be knocking on her door. That also hurt.

Abby, she hadn't seen him or anyone else in the family for 25 years! Why would she even show up at the funeral if not for wanting to see if she could get back with him? I can't seem to get over the feeling that my husband never was really in love with me -- that maybe he just married me so he would not be alone. What should I do? Should I even bring this subject up to him again? It has been five months and I am ... BROKENHEARTED IN FLORIDA

Don't take offense to this, but I'm impressed with your husband. Most men after 25 years of a marriage they settled for are so dead on the inside that they say whatever their wives want to hear.

But what do you do now that you know you're married to an honest, insensitive shitbag? Pretend it didn't happen knowing he's waiting for you to DIE so he can fuck his ex-wife again? I say take his money and get a cabana boy...or two. You're already "brokenhearted". If you're going to fuck someone who doesn't truly love you, he might as well be hot.

Uncle Cranky

06/18/06 Waaah…I Love Him…Waaaaahhh

This question is from Dear Abby. Big surprise.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl who fell in love with a 19-year-old guy. I care about him very much -- in fact, I love him. He said he cares about me, too, but doesn't want a relationship. I can understand that, but sometimes I feel as if he used me for his own needs. He's not the type of guy who does that, but it crosses my mind.

Now he has moved three states away, leaving me here to rot alone. Should I tell him how I feel, so maybe he will come back? Or do I move on and not find out what I mean to him? -- LOST IN MISSOURI

Dear Lost,

Let's address your letter line by line as you are both 16 and extremely stupid.

I'm a 16-year-old girl who fell in love with a 19-year-old guy. - High school chicks do this all the time. That's fine. Just wait until you're senior and all of the guys in your class take younger girls to the prom instead of you. Payback's a bitch.

I care about him very much -- in fact, I love him. - Of course you do. You fucked him. Probably your first time, wasn't it?

He said he cares about me, too, - He doesn't.

but doesn't want a relationship. - Correct.

I can understand that, but sometimes I feel as if he used me for his own needs. - He did.

He's not the type of guy who does that, - Yes he is.

but it crosses my mind. - It crosses your mind because that's logic and reason trying to break through and bitch-slap some sense into you.

Now he has moved three states away, leaving me here to rot alone. - Of course he did. And you'll do the same thing in a few years...because you live in Missouri. Oh, and knock off the emo-kid-nothing-matters-I'm-dying-on-the-inside bullshit. You're sixteen.You're heartbroken. Oh no. That has NEVER happened to someone your age. Tell you what... wait 14 years. If you're still in your hometown at age 30 unhappy with 4 kids and no husband, then you can say that you're rotting alone in Missouri.

Should I tell him how I feel, so maybe he will come back? Or do I move on and not find out what I mean to him? - Read this back to yourself. He already knows how you feel (and how your pussy feels), and he's not coming back. What, do you think he moved 3 states away to play hard to get? Move on, you dumb twat.

Oh, and here's something to remember: a guy will say anything to get you in bed. You'll see what a guy's really like AFTER you fuck him. Notice how he waited to tell you that he didn't want a relationship until after the sex? There you go. My advice is have sex early on when there's very little emotional attachment. Of course, this is my advice to all ladies because I think sluts rule.

Uncle Cranky

05/24/06 People Who Write to Abby are Clueless

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a serious relationship for 13 months. The woman I am with has a daughter who is 15 months old. I am the only father figure that has ever been in her life. Her biological father, "Ethan," saw her only twice. I have been supporting my lady and her child for a while.

Last January, Ethan died, and my lady took it hard. Last Saturday, she got his name tattooed on her back without consulting me. She didn't tell me until after it was done, and it upset me. We are supposed to be married soon.

Every time we make love, that tattoo reminds me of Ethan. I feel she should have asked me what I thought about the idea first. She expects me to consult her about things that I do before I do them. Am I wrong for expecting the same respect from her as I give her? Should I tell her how I feel, or should I avoid having a confrontation with her and try to forget about it? -- ANGRY AND CONFUSED IN PHOENIX

Dear Angry: Hey, this doesn't sound like a big deal. Just because you have to read the dead prick's name written on your woman's back every time you pork her from behind...no problem right? Hell, maybe you can make a game of it and aim for the name every time you cum.

What's the matter with you, asshole? Can't you see it's obvious that Ethan dumped her and she's not over him? It's been 13 months and you're still just someone she's settling for...you're a meal ticket and a sucker. Time to go find a chick who'll appreciate you...and who doesn't have a list of people she's banged listed on her body.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: I am 15. My younger brother, "Mikey," is 7. I enjoy watching a television show that is rated PG-13. My parents didn't mind my watching it until a few weeks ago.

Over the last couple of weeks, Mikey has been coming into my room while I'm watching the show. When I ask him to leave, he throws a fit. He then goes into his room and watches it, thinking no one will find out.

Mikey has been imitating some of the violence on the show, and my parents are blaming me for showing it to him. Now they are threatening to take away my privilege of watching the show. What can I do to convince them that I am not exposing him to the violence? -- DAVID IN LIVERPOOL, N.Y.

David: What the fuck is wrong with you? What's a 15 year old doing writing Dear Abby? Do you read Guideposts too? What's the show that you're afraid of losing, "Matlock"?

No normal 15 year old considers watching a network TV show a privilege. This is a bullshit letter written by someone on the Dear Abby staff trying to make Abigail Van Buren seem like she has young people who read her column. Well, they don't, jackass. Bored housewives and old people waiting to die are the only ones who like you. Know your demographic and cut this shit out.

If you are real, David, don't worry about it. In a year you'll be driving legally and trying to fuck chicks in the back of your parents' car you borrowed without asking. The last thing you'll want to do is watch "House".

Also, your 7 year old brother has a TV in his room?? Fuck you, David, you rich, spoiled douchebag. I hope you get genital warts.

Uncle Cranky

04/12/06 How Do I Avoid Giving Out My Number?

Dear Abby,

I am a single woman in my 20s and would like to know a good way to decline a man's request for my telephone number at a party or social situation. I'm not crazy about saying that I don't give out my number, because the truth is, if I was interested in the guy, I would give it to him. Too often I end up giving my number and then feeling guilty when screening my calls and not returning his.

Please don't tell me I should "give the guy a chance" -- some of these men are 20-plus years older than I am. -- SCREENING MY CALLS IN SAN DIEGO

Dear Clueless,

It's really not difficult to shatter an older man's ego and reject him. There are plenty of ways to do this in a creative and entertaining way. The more fun you have shooting down horny men, the less guilty you'll feel. Here's some suggestions:

1) Tell him you're name is Jenny and give out 867-5309. (Yes, I realize this suggestion is trite. Sorry. Tommy Tutone references make me laugh)

2) Give them this number: (619)226-2333. It's for a Pizza Hut in San Diego. When the guy realizes he's been duped, he'll only be depressed until he realizes he can feed his pain with a large 2-topping.

3) Give the guy the number of the most abusive, short-tempered asshole you've ever dated. That way, you'll fuck with both of them.

4) 858-492-8002...Rejection Hotline in San Diego (Austin people, use 512-647-4813). Call it. It rules.

5) Ask for his number instead. When he gives it to you, tear it in half and cackle, "Ha! I did the Vince Vaughn from 'Swingers'! Did you see me? I am SO money!"

6) From Steph: "How about just, 'no'. Man up, nancy lady. just tell the guy you don't give your number out to strangers. or tell him you're not interested. or remind him of the fact that he's old enough to be your father, and that's just disgusting. don't give him false hope. Besides, guys like that usually troll a party asking every pretty young girl they can for their number, hoping for a pity date followed by pity b.j."

7) "It depends. Do you like it when girls shit in your mouth?" (Note: This one might backfire on you)

As you can see, there are plenty of ways to avoid giving out your number to douchebags. Just be creative, goddammit! And realize this: in 15 years or so, they may stop asking you. Enjoy being annoyed by them now.

Uncle Cranky

03/20/06 Wigs and Books

DEAR ABBY: I am a professional man in my early 40s. When I was in my late teens, I started losing my hair. By the time I was 22, I was almost completely bald.

Someone suggested that I get a wig, so I did. I have been wearing it for years. Now, however, I'm uncomfortable with the wig. I think it's obvious that it's not my own hair, and I'm self-conscious about it.

I'd like to stop wearing the wig, but I wonder what my co-workers will think. Also, my mother tells me that my head is shaped a little "funny." But I feel like a fraud when I'm wearing the darn thing. What do you suggest? -- BALD IN BALTIMORE

If YOU think it's obvious that it's not your own hair, don't you think your co-workers have figured it out? This is assuming they can tell the difference between 40 year-old graying hair on the sides of your melon and that tacky fuckin' merkin. The only ruckus you'll cause by taking that rug off is you'll end all the jokes they tell about you when you're not in the room.

Hey, is your real name Oedipus? No? Then why do you give a shit what your mother thinks about the shape of your head if you're not trying to fuck her? Hell, it's probably her snatch's fault you've got an odd-shaped head anyway. (BTW, if you do want to do your mom, I suggest you write another letter)

You know where you never see wigs? In a fucking bar...because drunk people are loud and honest, unlike your pussy co-workers. You try wearing that mop in my bar, we'll use it like a frisbee. So take it off, shave the sides, and buy a Porsche to compensate.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: I am an avid reader -- a true book lover. Sometimes I like to share my favorite books with friends. Right now, I have loaned out about 20 books to various people. I am sure I placed a name and address in each one to be sure I would get it back.

It has been almost two years, Abby, and the books have not been returned.

When you loan someone a book, it's because you really enjoyed it. You may want to read it again or pass it on to others. I don't know how people can be so neglectful about returning things that don't belong to them.

If you print this, it may jog the memories of the guilty people who have borrowed items and don't think they have to return them. I'm sure others feel as I do -- that if you lend something out, it does not give the person the right to keep it indefinitely. -- BOOK LOVER IN PENNSYLVANIA

Hey, BITCH! Pick up a goddamn telephone!

And get laid soon, you address-printing, anal-retentive freakshow. Less stimulation of the brain...more stimulation of the vagina.

Oh, and if this was actually a guy who sent in this letter...my response is the same.

Uncle Cranky

02/07/06 Sympathy and Makeup

It's time to rip the teen advice columns from Focus on the Family again. These come from "Dear Susie" from Brio Magazine for girls.

Dear Susie:

Im from Virginia, and Im having trouble feeling compassion for the people who were devastated by Hurricane Katrina. I cant imagine what theyre going through, and I know God wants us to feel badly for them, but I just cant.

Ive seen devastation in Homestead, Fla., destroyed by Hurricane Andrew about 10 years ago and I loved and cared for people who were hurt. Ive also seen the devastation when our own state capitol, Richmond, was flooded for months by Hurricane Gaston.

Ive prayed about it, but compassion hasnt come to me. I apologize if I offend anyone with this note, because I know that people are hurting. I pray for them consistently, but I still cant find compassion for those who were hurt by this tragedy.

Wondering

Midlothian, Va.

Well, Wondering, I completely understand how you're feeling. Oh wait. No I don't. You're fucked up.

Let's pretend that you're not so stupid that you saw the footage of the devastation and body count and couldn't tell the difference between this disaster and your own local hurricanes. There must be another reason that you don't feel bad for the victims of Katrina. I think it brings up an important question: Do you dislike just black people or all poor people in general?

I think it's probably the latter. You're a well-to-do white girl in a Christian household in Virginia...I'm guessing your parents (who vote Republican) raised you to believe that poor people are in the situation they are in due to having children out of wedlock and not being good Christians. Take it from me, church-going folk like you tend to believe this even though there's a story in the Bible about Job being tried by God in a cruel little bet with Satan. Naaah, that doesn't pertain to anyone else, right? We poor fucks deserve it! If we followed Jesus and supported our President, everything would be okay, right?

Fuck you. I hope your boyfriend forgets to pull out in the next couple years, and then after you have to get married and have your kid and you get all fat and unattractive, he leaves you for a stripper...with big tits.

Uncle Cranky

Dear Susie:

A woman in my church says its wrong to wear makeup. What do you think?

If you're not going to wear ANY makeup, why even shave your legs? Why look attractive at all? Sex is not just for conceiving. She wears makeup to church, doesn't she?

Ask the woman in your church how she was when she was in her teens and early twenties. I bet she got fucked so hard in the back of a Buick that her makeup smeared all over the seat...and she liked it. She's since been married and had kids (maybe even grandkids) and has forgotten what it's like to have a sex drive and enjoy herself. Tell that hairy troll that Uncle Cranky says to eat a big dick and return to your roots.

Uncle Cranky

12/16/05 No Doesn't Always Mean No...Sometimes It Means You're Fucked Up

This appears from Ask Dr. Tracy .

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I do not understand the double standard that a guy cannot say, "No" to sex with out the being deemed as having problems.

In my last three relationships the women have left me because I have wanted to take the relationship slowly. Each time it has centered around the fact that I have said, "No" to intercourse.

In the last two relationships I explained before it went anywhere that I would not engage in intercourse until I felt our relationship was solid and committed. Each of the women said they thought this was wonderful and understood. I made it clear up front because the first woman I said no to was hurt and rejected. We talked about it and she said she was ready and that she had never had anyone say no to her. This is why I explained to the next two, up front, front how I felt. I do not want to hurt anyone.

When the foreplay began and it went no further than oral sex they become upset and angry with me. In the second and third relationship this has happened after only two months. I do not want to have intercourse until I am sure that we know each other well enough and that the possibility of a future exists. One that might lead to marriage. I am at that point in my life where I would like to settle down and have a wife and family. It seems as though they do not believe I am serious because they attempt to take it further each time we are together. I have to keep saying, "NO". They have asked me if I was gay, impotent, or just didn't like sex. Each time I am made to feel as though I have a problem or something is wrong with me. None of these things are true. After this happens a wall builds between us until no communication takes place and then the relationship ends.

Please help me understand why it is wrong for me wanting to wait just because I am a guy.

signed,

No means No.

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh man...that's funny. Can I use that? Oh, you were serious. JESUS. Really? Okay, first off, I know you're not gay. Gay men like to fuck more than straight men. There is something seriously fucked up with you...it is wrong for you wanting to wait because you have a dick. If your dick is not telling you to close the deal when the girl wants it, it means you have some deep-seeded abuse issues. Either that or you're asexual...you know, like Morrissey.

This isn't high school, genius. You don't have parents guilt tripping you to "save it" until you're married. And what's the big idea with going down on her and then not fucking her? That shows no respect. If she just wanted to get licked she'd be a lesbian. No, they use strap-ons also...well, the ones in the videos I watch do. And these women blow you and you don't have the decency to penetrate? Why do you think girls suck cock? Just to make you happy? Fuck no, man...they're priming it, shitbag. They're ready to ride!

You know what? Fuck it. Just cut it off. You'll get more respect as a psychotic eunuch than huge, weepy, ineffectual queef.

Uncle Cranky

12/06/05 The Shortest Response in 'Ask Uncle Cranky' History

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Peggy's" daughter was married recently. She is 54, and it was her third marriage. Her invitation stated, "No gifts, please." My son and nephew gave the couple a card.

Peggy promptly called them both and informed them that when a wedding invitation states, "No gifts, please," it means that the couple doesn't need household items, that they should be given money instead.

I am aghast that Peggy would take it upon herself to reprimand my son and nephew and solicit money from them. What do you think of this? Incidentally, my nephew was married two years ago. My niece was invited and never sent a gift to them. -- BLOWN AWAY IN BEND, ORE.

Dear BLOWN AWAY,

Your sister is a cunt. Cheers!

Uncle Cranky

11/28/05 My Daughter is a Hairy Bitch

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old daughter has been shaving her arms for the past six months because she says they are "hairy." I have tried my best to talk her out of it.

I asked advice from a neighbor, and she said I should forbid her from doing it because she can get skin cancer. Is that true? -- CONFUSED MOM, CALEXICO, CALIF.

I've read your letter 5 times now. I'm still in shock over your level of stupidity. Do you know how many women out there shave their pussy or at least trim up? How many cases of skin cancer of the cooch have you heard of? It'd be a fucking epidemic. Your neighbor is a clueless sasquatch.

Look, I know you live on the border of California and Mexico...you've seen some hairy women. But there's several products out there that your daughter could use so that she doesn't end up at 21 years old with 5 o'clock shadow on her goddamn forearms.

So pull your head out of your ass before your daughter becomes a stubbly pariah.

DEAR ABBY: Although I am only 18, I am married, hold a full-time job and am in my second year of college. I currently hold an accounting position, which makes me look and feel older than I actually am.

When people at work ask me how old I am, I feel like they start to look down on me because I am younger than they are. I actually supervise a woman who is 30, and I'm worried that once she finds out my age she will not listen to me.

I want respect in the workplace, so what should I say when people ask how old I am? -- STRICTLY BUSINESS IN TEXAS

Wow. You've certainly grown up fast. You'll soon be a successful executive with a nice house and a wonderful family...and when you hit thirty shit will fall apart because you will be FUCKING BORED with your life. Did you party at all? Throw up from drinking too much? Have a one night stand? You ever do drugs? I'm thinking the answer to these questions is NO. The fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter what you do, because noone respects "the man". We hate you. So fuck off, over-achiever.

Uncle Cranky

11/21/05 Teens Ask the Dumbest Questions

All of today's questions come from "Hey Mike!" and "Dear Susie" on Breakaway and Brio magazines, which are teen publications from  Focus on the Family.

Q: Hey Mike! I’m small and kind of “underdeveloped” for a teenager—unlike most of the guys at school. They have muscles and look older, and even get noticed by girls. Instead, I’m skinny and always get treated like a little kid. I don’t feel like I measure up as a man. How can I handle this?

A: I actually agree with the advice initially given to you by "Mike", which is that you shouldn't worry because your balls will drop in the next couple of years (I know that's not exactly what he said, but why sugarcoat it? That's what you're waiting for). However, You're not given any advice on what to do RIGHT NOW...what, do they expect you to get shit on for two years while you play catch-up? Fuck that!

You have a couple of options. The first is to treat high school like it's prison. To avoid becoming someone's bitch, you need to pick the biggest motherfucker there and wail on him. Unlike prison, the biggest kid in your school, if he's white, is going to be a pussy (NOTE: Do not hit a brotha or latino...they will fuck you up). To quote my girl Steph, you need to walk and say, "Hi..." COCKPUNCH. Then kick him when he's down. You'll get suspended, but noone will fuck with you again.

If you're not a fighter, do what I do...talk shit. Don't take any lip from those tools...do some research, learn some new phrases. I just learned a new one last night..."douche rocket" (thanks, 8ball). Can't wait to use it. If they try pushing you physically to try to intimidate you, pepper spray them in the fucking eye. They may call you a pussy, but who's the one holding their face and crying like a bitch?

Q: Hey Mike! I know the Lord wants me to obey Him and do His will, but I feel as if lust—which I sometimes find uncontrollable—is keeping me from being the person God wants me to be. What’s more, my Christian friends aren’t the best role models. They cuss and crack dirty jokes—and I seem to follow right in their footsteps. How can I live right when everything keeps pulling me down?

A: You know how you combat "uncontrollable lust"? You can't pray it away...you need to masturbate. And if your religion believes that's a sin, it's time to shop around and find one that isn't so tight-assed. As for "cussing"...it's just words...the meaning is what matters. Are you telling me that you think saying "that Satan is a fucktard" is a sin? Time to rethink your values. Remember, "vulgar" language is only so because of society...language is man-made. God doesn't care if you say "cunt"...your mom does. So relax, hang with your friends, and don't bust out the c-word in front of your mother.

Q: Dear Susie: I was with two friends, and we met some guys who asked if we wanted to drink beer and smoke with them. We said no but decided to hang out with them. They kept pressuring us to drink, and we finally gave in.

We only drank half the can, but I like how it made me feel — happy and laughing. I don’t think I want to get hooked on it, but I never feel as good as I did that day. To be honest, I like myself more that way. What’s your advice for me?

A: Three girls...shared half a can of beer. You want some advice? Try a full can before worrying about 2 fucking ounces, will ya? It's not heroin or crack, you nimrod. You're not going to start sucking dick for beer money. "Come on baby, I need a Schlitz!"

Now to be nice, let me say that I'm impressed that you liked it. A lot of girls your age and in college drink wine coolers, jello shots, margaritas and daiquiri's because they don't like beer. They also get fucked up quicker and act like giggling retards. You stick with beer and eventually whiskey, you'll get some attention...because when it's all said and done, normal guys would rather go home and masturbate that have to listen to an annoying drunken bitch.

Unless, of course, you don't want to hang out in bars and you want to remain pure. If that's the case, then quit giving in to peer pressure, you slut.

Uncle Cranky

10/17/05 21 shots too much for 21 year olds?

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of four children, ages 18 to 25. A "practice" they discuss among their friends is the "rite of turning 21," which is to drink 21 shots of hard alcohol.

I'd like to think my children are intelligent and informed enough to know how dangerous this could be, but when I mention it, I get the standby, "Everyone does it" or "It's fine."

I worry myself sick over this, not only for my own kids, but for all young adults. Please shed some light on this practice. Perhaps they will listen to you.

I'm not naive enough to think they won't drink, but 21 shots is not the best birthday gift to themselves. -- WORRIED MOM, MISSOULA, MONT.

Dear WORRIED MOM,

Let me answer this one, Abby. You look like you couldn't handle a fucking mimosa. Well, MOM, my first reaction is to say "let dad kick their ass." But considering you had 4 kids in an 8 year period, I'm guessing he doesn't live there anymore. Either that or he's an alcoholic who probably told your kids to drink 21 shots 'cause he's a bitter unhappy sadist. Gee, I wonder where your kids picked up their drinking habits...

Don't worry, you baby factory, your kids will be puking sand before they even hit 21 shots. That is, unless they're huge fatties...which could be a possibility considering all the love and mac'n'cheese you've most likely given them over the years. Let me tell you something, breeding machine, the only people that drink like that are idiot fucking kids who are either A) bored shitless because they live in Missoula, Montana or B) they're trying to kill themselves...because they live in Missoula.

Just remember: binge drinking is a form of Natural Selection. Think of the date rapes and drunk driving deaths that have been avoided due to alcohol poisoning deaths in frat houses. It's a part of life, Ruts-Without-Birth-Control. Maybe they'll all live to be alcoholics and beat kids of their own. We can only hope so.

Until then, leave the drinking to the professionals. And use birth control, you fucking crackers!

Uncle Cranky

08/10/05 My Friend Copies My Style

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I love dearly, but she does something that's driving a wedge between us. She copies everything about me -- from my perfume to my hairstyle to my jewelry.

I have always tried to have my own style, something that sets me apart from others, and to have my best friend copy me makes me furious. When we go to trade shows we look like Tweedledee and Tweedledum, and it's embarrassing.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't like it. People are starting to make fun of her behind her back. How can I communicate to her that she needs to find her own sense of self? -- CARBON-COPIED IN SANTA MARIA

Well, Ms. Original...I can understand how that would make you upset to have someone imitate your style. What I can't understand is how you think you're unique. I mean, you go to trade shows and are a Dear Abby reader. Do you really think that you're the only person who has a "mom afro", plastic fruit earrings and a t-shirt with cats on them? BTW, which cat shirt do you have, the one where they're dressed in cowboy outfits or the one where they're dressed like Moulin Rouge? Hey, doesn't matter, right? The back of the shirt shows the cats' buttholes! Oh man, it's brilliant!!

I think the bottom line here is talk to her, you idiot. She's your best friend and obviously idolizes you. Maybe you can get someone with actual taste to help her find her own style...That way, you can look stupid by yourself without a fashion disaster doppelganger right next to you.

Uncle Cranky

06/10/05 My abusive husband upsets my pets

This one sent in from Jaffe.

Dear Abby,

My husband is always yelling and throwing things when he is mad. He never takes his anger out on me, but he really scares the animals and now they won't even come to me when I call. I am worried that they are hurt emotionally and I don't know what I should do. I am thinking of going to a pet psychiatrist. Do you think this will help?

Sincerely

name unknown

A: You may want to consider that. Whenever a dog or cat is emotionally affected by the actions of their owners, it's always a good thing to pay a lot of money to a complete stranger to talk to them and find out how they're feeling...you know, because your pets understand English.

You may also want to stop making your husband angry. According to the Bible, you're supposed to submit to your husband as he is the head of the household. If you think of it that way, this is all your fault.

Or maybe you can disregard my first two suggestions and pull your head out of your ass, you fuckwit. It's YOUR life and YOUR marriage that has a problem, you retard. Your pets are just animals. At what point are you going to finally leave this douchebag? When he finally hits you? When he hits you consistantly?

Nah, fuck that, right? Your life is fine. Go take your animals to a pet psychiatrist. Make sure you also take your house plants to an herbal therapist because possibly the yelling done in your home is stunting their growth. You should also pay some fruitcake to make sure all the rooms in your house have the proper feng shui to ensure that when your fuckface husband throws your bookcase down the stairs because he missed an episode of "Law and Order", your chakras and all that hippie crap are still in tune with the big Whatever.

Uncle Cranky

04/26/05 My kid hates me for good reason

Q: My child yells, "I hate you!" when she's upset with me -- or sometimes just when she's upset around me. How should I respond?

Here's some responses. Pick one and go with it:

1) Yell, "I'll teach you to hate!!" and then beat the shit out of the kid. This teaches your child the meaning of hypocrisy.

2) "Yeah? Well let me tell you something. Before you were around, I used to go out on weekends and really have a good time, I got laid alot and I wasn't in debt. After I had you, my body's gone to shit, we're almost bankrupt and noone will have sex with me, which is okay because I wouldn't have the energy to do anything but lie there anyway. You hate me? HA! That's rich. Eat your fucking Rice Krispies.

3) Talk with your child about why she feels that way and then teach her how to express her anger in a less hurtful way. Haha, RIGHT. You had to write a letter to get advice for a trivial bullshit problem like this. The chances of you pulling this off are right up there with me growing a penis on my elbow.

4) Tell her Jesus and Santa are watching her all the time and if she continues to say "I hate you", she'll get no presents this year and will burn in hell while demons pick her skin off all the way to the bone. Then kiss her on the head and say, "Who wants ice cream?"

Hope this helps.

Uncle Cranky

3/24/05 Am I Unpopular (yes) and Are Ghosts Real (no)

This one comes from my personal favorite, Ask Mike! on Breakaway, a Focus on the Family magazine for Teen Guys. Focus on the Family is the brainchild of religious fruitcake, James Dobson.

HEY MIKE! I'm not the most popular guy in school. Is there anything wrong with this?

-- Name Withheld

That's a good question. Your popularity in high school is definitely a pressing issue that should be addressed as soon as possible. Excuse me while I clear my entire schedule to focus on this serious problem. Pardon me for a second, I need to make a call... "Hello, Gladys? Yeah, clear my schedule...I've got a big one here. Cancel my 5:30...I don't care if he's terminally ill...I'm dealing with a high school popularity issue here. That's right. I forgive you. Now bring me my coffee, Weepy. Jesus." (click)

Alright, I'm back. Here's what you need to ask yourself...Do you plan on living your life to the fullest after you graduate high school? After college? Will your life REALLY begin in your mid to late 20's? Or will you take the same route that most people do...getting married way too early...having kids early on...staying in a job that sucks the life out of you because it's comfortable. Will you be one of those people who refer to their 4 years in high school as glory days like that depressing Springsteen song? Will you spend your weekends going to high school sporting events attempting to live vicariously through your/your friends' kids while getting too drunk and yelling at the referees?

If you believe there is life after high school, then fuck popularity. The majority of popular kids become fat, pregnant and/or college dropouts. Fuck those douchebags.

However, considering you're so concerned about this that you'd send a dumbass letter to fucktard Mike at Breakaway Magazine, time to kiss a lot of clique ass...or get a tattoo.

Shallow fuck.

Uncle Cranky

HEY MIKE! My girlfriend and most of her friends believe in ghosts. They claim they’ve seen several and that there’s historical evidence proving they exist. How can they be real? Are they demons trying to trick us, or are they angels trying to get a message across to us? Or could they be the souls of lost people? Help me!

—R.L., Oakley, Calif.

1) Anyone who's actually seen a ghost at your age was stoned, sleepy, drunk, or retarded.

2) There is no historical evidence proving they exist. Not everything on the internet is true. Moron.

3) "How can they be real? Are they demons trying to trick us, or are they angels trying to get a message across to us?" I want you to read that outloud and realize how stupid you are. You don't believe in ghosts, but you believe in demons/angels. Interesting. This is the equivalent of me saying, "Tommy said he chased a leprechaun last night, but that's bullshit because during my time as unicorn hunter, I've never seen one. They don't exist."

If you can believe there's an old man in the sky looking down on you that tells you to support his chosen leaders in passing legislature that infringes upon other people's rights to their own bodies, then for fuck's sake, you witless gimp...believe in ghosts.

Uncle Cranky

02/08/05 People with incredibly easy/dumb questions

Cranky says: I love questions from Dear Abby. She has, quite possibly, the dumbest fan base of all advice columnists.

DEAR ABBY: Heartsick is the only way I can describe how I feel right now. Something very precious to me, an antique doll, has disappeared from its storage place in my bedroom and has been replaced by a similar doll that I have never seen before. The only person besides my husband who knew of its existence was my cousin "Lana." Lana and her husband have been weekend houseguests in our home for several years. A few weeks ago, we let them use our bedroom and we took the guest room.

The other day I went to the chest where I kept the doll, intending to have it appraised, and found something else in its place. I have no solid proof that Lana took it, but the circumstances and family history all point in that direction. You see, the doll was a family heirloom given to me by my aunt 15 years ago.

As far as I'm concerned, the relationship between my cousin and me has been seriously affected. What should be my next step? -- HEARTSICK IN N.C.

Well, before you run off and hire a private detective and waste anyone else's time with this bullshit, let me ask you something. Why the fuck did you let your cousin sleep in your room while you and your husband took the guest room? Do you get off on having other people screw in your bed? That to me is actually a bit more disturbing than your fruity doll fetish. You need to get out of the house. Join a bridge club, go play bingo...do something else with your life, because you, lady, are a freak. I bet your hubby took the doll and sold it to buy booze because he realized the only way to stay with you is to be drunk. You're psychotic. CHRIST.

DEAR ABBY: What's the proper etiquette when escorting a woman through a revolving door? I never know whether to send her in first, or if I should enter first and do the initial pushing. Revolving doors can be heavy, and I can only imagine that it's difficult for a petite woman -- or one wearing high heels -- to maneuver. But I don't want to be rude and charge through a door in front of my date. Have you any advice? -- GOING IN CIRCLES IN HOUSTON

Hey, Houston retard...eat me, will you? WHO GIVES A SHIT how you approach a fucking revolving door. If you can afford to eat some place that has a revolving door, money bags, then she won't care how you tackle this highly important issue. "How'd your date with Steve go, Melissa?"

"It was AWFUL! He picked me up in a limo...We ate steak and lobster and had wine, but I had to use push on a door! What an ASSHOLE!"

Whoa, a little too much venom from me there. I'm sorry dude. Let me try that again. I understand your concern. God forbid that you should allow a woman to do anything for herself, like use physical force to move a door designed to REVOLVE on kinetic energy alone once it gets started. SHIT! We can't let THAT happen! Who knows what else she might do for herself! You give her that much self-esteem, she may become self-reliant and not want to suck your rich chauvenistic cock anymore. So be careful, Don Juan...make the right decision and keep throwing that money around...God knows you won't get laid based on your personality.

Uncle Cranky

DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman, and while I have kissed a lot of men, only a few were great kissers. You don't want to give up on a great guy because his kiss is only average. I gently tried to provide a bit of coaching with an ex, but it made him defensive.

How do you teach a middle-aged man to kiss? Before I get into another relationship, a little advice in this area would be helpful. Also, would you approach it early on -- or after there is an established relationship? -- WANTS A GREAT KISSER

Does he go down on you? If yes, don't fucking worry about how he kisses. If no, find a guy who does. Seriously, a kissing question? What are you, 12? You're an adult. You can do dirty shit. It's allowed.

DEAR ABBY: I have been going out with "Elijah" for a year and a half. I love him, but sometimes he tries to get me to do things I really don't want to do sexually. I don't know how to tell him no, because I don't want him to hate me. I feel pressured every time I'm with him, and sometimes I'm scared to be alone with him. What should I do? I need help. -- WORRIED GIRLFRIEND IN N.C.

Dump the guy before you find yourself tied up, ball-gagged and holding a candle in your ass. Personally, from the tone of your question, I don't think he's really that much of a pervert...he's probably just tired the same ol' "missionary while you moan occasionally" thing and wants to make things interesting. You should be with someone boring in bed that doesn't threaten your freakingly dull values. Then again, what do I know? Maybe he wants you to pee on him.

Uncle Cranky

02/06/05 My awesome breasts aren't good enough

This one was sent in by Jaffe.

Dear Abby,

My boyfriend is obsessed with large breasts and constantly "hints" that I should enlarge my 34Cs. Lately he has been coming home late and telling me that he's been working overtime, when I know for a fact that he's been hanging out with his ex-girlfriend, a stripper with 38DDs.

I love my boyfriend and don't want to lose him, but I'm not sure about enlargement. If it's the only way I can get him away from her, I guess I'll do it. What do you think, Abby? -- NOT BUSTY ENOUGH IN PHILLY

(The part of Abby will be played by Cranky)

Dear Philly,

On behalf of women everywhere with a size A or B cup, I'd like to say that you are a stupid, stupid bitch. You're a C CUP! Do you actually think that getting bigger breasts will make him like you more? It won't...because you'll have the same body, name, personality as you did before. He's seeing his old flame because he's bored with you (or he's an asshole, or both). It's time to move on, because he's cheating on you and I think you know this. And believe me, with 34 C, you can get another guy.

Let's say you actually get the DD's...what are you gonna do when he continues to hang out with his ex? Change your ass size to be like hers? Dye your hair blond? Start using a stage name in your day to day life like 'Sapphire'? Start a coke habit? At what point are you going to wake the fuck up?

You know what you should do? Tell him that you want a boob job and get him to pay for it. After you've recovered from surgery, dump him and go find a sugar daddy. You'll never have to work again.

Uncle Cranky

01/27/05 A teenager tries weed. And God wept.

Dr. James Dobson is the head of a religious group called Focus on the Family. I grew up Baptist, so I’ve had to listen to this jackass all my life. Recently, Dobson has accused SpongeBob SquarePants (who isn’t a real person, by the way) of having a gay agenda. In honor of Dobson’s stupidity, I thought the latest Uncle Cranky segment would contain a couple of questions submitted to Breakaway Magazine, a Focus on the Family propaganda rag for teen males. Enjoy.

Q: I just found out one of my friends from church tried weed with some friends from a supposedly Christian camp. She says she really liked it and doesn’t care what anyone thinks and that she won’t stop because she has it “under control.” I tried talking to her and telling her what the long-term effects are (because I’ve tried it myself). But she won’t listen and just goes on about how great it is and that it’s not like she’ll do it all the time. I’ve been praying for her, but I just want to know if there’s anything else I can do. Please help. —K.K., Lunenburg, Mass.

A: I’m glad you asked that question. This is a very serious situation as you know since your yourself has “tried the pot”. As an experienced pothead that you most certainly appear to be, you know as well as I do that you HAVE to do something, because the long-term effects of smoking weed is this: you could become a hippie. We can’t let that happen, K.K. Relying on prayer alone won’t cut it mister. This is a teenage chick that I’m guessing is pretty hot, right (Otherwise, why would you care…you’re obviously trying to hit it)? We can’t have our sexy teens sporting dreadlocks and soaking themselves in patchouli.

You have to realize, K.K., that it was almost inevitable that your friend started smoking weed. I mean, Christian camp is BORING. On top of that, you guys live in Lunenburg, MA…what the fuck else are you going to do but get drunk, high or both? You have to make sure that the pot she’s into now doesn’t affect her lifestyle because we don’t need another stinkin’ hippie. There’s enough hemp jewelry in the world, dammit.

Oh, and if I read your question wrong and you’re actually concerned for your friend because you think weed is a dangerous drug that will ruin her life, then my answer is: Shut the fuck up you sheltered naïve dumbshit.

Uncle Cranky

01/26/05 Woman and her husband have threesome and now the marriage is in jeopardy. No shit.

Q: My husband and I recently had a threesome twice with a woman who lives in our neighborhood. The first time, there was no penetration between our friend and my husband. We all had a good time and laughed it off. But we did it again this past weekend, and this time, they did have penetration. At the time, it didn't bother me, but in the morning, I was so confused and upset. I kept worrying that he and this other woman would get closer and I'd be left in the cold .- or that maybe they'd actually had sex together before and I was just blind. I ended up telling my husband lots of stupid things, like I feel that he doesn't care about me enough, that maybe I should go away for a while? Now he and I aren't talking. My friend and I both agree that it should never happen again. But right now, my mind is going bonkers, and I need to get my head on straight. Please give me your advice.

A: Jesus Christ, lady. A threesome? Let me guess, it was his idea, wasn't it? Of course it was, you jackass. You've been married awhile and the sex was getting pretty dull, huh? "Hey, let's try something different and spice up the marriage...that way, I can fuck Pam because I don't have the balls to actually divorce you."

Let me ease your mind and say that before the magical threesome, he and your "friend" hadn't had sex before. There's no way. I'm sure he's been cheating on you with someone else. So, rest easy. Hahahahaha.

Guess what, though? The minute you guys split, guess who he going to sleep with? Because why the hell not...they've done it before. Aren't you glad you introduced them now?

When are people going to learn that when you're in a relationship and your sex life reaches a whole new level of kinky, it's practically over. If you've never really been spanked during sex before and you find yourself one day wearing a leather mask with a zipper on it, the relationship has gone south.

Here's what you can do. Have another threesome, but this time invite a guy. When he says no (and he will), then tell him he can just watch. That way, it'll be like you both cheated on each other in an honest and open way. Let me be serious for a second. That's the key to saving your marriage. Honesty. If you guys can just express your feelings and be totally honest with each other, you will get through this.

Oh man, I'm totally pulling your leg! You guys are fucked! Start splitting up your assets, sweetie, and stick a fork in this relationship because IT IS DONE!

Uncle Cranky

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