KEEP AUSTIN UGLY

I realized this New Year's Eve that I've o-fficially been here in Austin for 10 years. I came in 1994, but when the calendar rolled around to 2005, it really became solidified in my noggin -- 10 years! Not that long by some standards, but with the resident rollover rate here in the ATX, 10 years is a fairly proud tenure. Especially for artists (roots acts in particular) that come to take the town by storm with their "brand new" music, and genius marketing schemes, and burning desire -- this town can chew 'em up and spit 'em out with the best. There's no real formula for being able to last more than 6 months in Austin -- just stick around, keep working, don't piss off the wrong people, and don't suck. That's pretty much it. There, it's a formula.

Naturally, over the last ten years, Austin has evolved, as all mid-size cities do. It's grown in population, per capita income, and urban sprawl has sprawled itself into absurdity. Pretty soon, we're just going to have one big city -- Houdallaustintonio. And, if you've traveled by wheeled-vehicle at all in the U.S.-of-A., you've also realized that there's been a mass Stepford-izing of the whole country; virtually every town in America with a population over 50 has the same stuff -- a McDonald's, a Burger King/Wendy's/Taco Bell, a Wal-Mart, an Auto Zone, a Chevron/Exxon/Shell/Texaco, Barnes & Noble, Starbucks, The Gap. The living monuments to our All-American deity, The Great And Powerful Dollar. There are all kinds of arguments, pro and con, for this massive infestation of corporate dollars -- that awful old Capitalism has made America the strongest, richest, free-est nation on the planet, maybe in recorded history, and it allows me to be able to write whatever nonsense I want to yammer on about without legal repercussion. And, of course, it is also sucking the soul out of our country. Not that this is news to most of you, of course. Many folks realize what corporate takeover has done to our culture. While it has made life so much easier and more convenient for us in every way, and has made our economy grow to keep us the world's only real "superpower", it has blanketed us (and much of the rest of the world) with a mind-numbing "sameness".

*Author's note: Don't worry, it only looks like another immense anti-corporate-America rant. There actually was a catalyst for it, and an overall point, so keep reading.

But, this Soapbox isn't about the whole country -- just our little corner here in Austin. True, in the last 10-15 years, cool, gritty, little Austin, the artist's Mecca, the hippie's haven and the kicker's paradise, has fallen victim to all the aforementioned corporate hordes. Which sucks, of course, but is as inevitable as nature itself, so it's not worth extensive lamenting. Austin has put up a valiant effort in an attempt to ward off the corporate demons, stay cool, stay hip, and keep it's reputation (and tourist draw). "Keep Austin Weird", right? That's what the bumper sticker says. And some have tried. Some have been successful, most have not. Well, guess what, Austin -- we can have all the coffee shops and vintage stores we want, and we can wallpaper I-35 with those damn bumper stickers, but Austin is not weird. Not any more. Not until we realize what today's "weird" really is.

What's the underlying theme? What's the one constant, the one common denominator, the Elmer's glue that's holding us all hostage with this epidemic of "sameness"? Clean.

That's it -- the squeaky, Disney, shiny, happy smile. Maybe combined with the wistful melancholy gaze of a faithful yet disillusioned ex-hippie. That's the face of 21st century America. It's what has turned Times Square into a big sparkly mega-mall, and Vegas into Disneyland. It's what put Flavor Flav on reality TV, and turned our beloved country music into frat-boy rock and soccer-Mom pop. It's all gotta be fun, easy, and safe. And clean.

"OK, but what's so horrible about that?', you ask. 'Don't most people prefer things to be clean as opposed to dirty, fresh-smelling as opposed to foul, safe as opposed to dangerous?' True, on the surface. To most folks "clean vs. dirty" is synonymous with "good vs. bad". But what gets me is what it signifies -- a change in our culture from the character, flexibility, and grit that made our country the greatest on the planet, to one that takes no risks, is afraid to get dirt under its fingernails, and, quite frankly, lacks the plain old balls to keep America the innovative and fearless place that made us who we are. Now that I think about it, that's really the underlying factor about all this that leaves such a foul taste in my mouth -- fear. "Clean", is the what -- "fear" is the why. We've become a nation that has unparalleled arrogance, fueled by pure fear. Why do we start wars, irritate our allies, and wander heedlessly through life, unaware of the world outside our beloved walls, except for what we see on TV? Fear. We are afraid to take the most remote chance that our lives or values may be disrupted or challenged in any way. Afraid that if we are forced into self-appraisal, forced to look at what we've become compared to the rest of the world, we would be shown a picture that we cannot, or are unwilling to, deal with. Afraid that if we take a chance on character, grit, or soul, that we risk losing or disrupting our creature comforts and conveniences -- they might take our consumer "woobies". So, what's our solution? We crawl further into our shells, taking solace in our capitalist security blankets, the stuff we know and can depend on always being wherever we go, looking exactly the same, offering the same wares -- Wal-Mart, McDonalds, Starbucks, Kenny Chesney, etc. They are at every corner, offering us that cultural poisonous fruit, safety. The knowledge that when you open those doors, when you plunk down your buck, when you turn on that radio station, you will not be challenged. You know exactly what you will be consuming, every single time, on every streetcorner, in every city, in every state in the country. This is a national mindset that shamelessly smacks of fear, and it's driving our country into the most soul-less time in it's history. And driving lunkheads like me to force perfectly innocent fans and readers to read a 4 page diatribe on "What's wrong with it all today", and how it "Jest ain't like it used to be." But I gotta say, I'm pretty sure that "balls" is not a just an era, some old way of life. It seems to have worked pretty well for every other successful population in the history of the planet. America has always had balls (which has made us so controversial to the rest of the world) -- but only in today's world, and in Austin in particular, have we ever reeked of fear.

What brought this on was a one-two wallop of wussy that hit me today -- first, I found out that Pato's Taco's, an Austin institution that has had its troubles the last few years, is now being replaced by Quack's Coffee Shop -- another Austin institution. Then I saw a website for a new place called the "Dandelion Cafe".

First, Quack's. Quackenbush's was a favorite college drag hangout in the late-80's/90's coffee-shop boom, and has one other location in Hyde Park, a typical cool-yet-froofy Austin neighborhood -- about a mile from my apartment. And now, Quack's has taken over Pato's, about 4 blocks from my apartment. Now, here's a quick history of Pato's: Pato's Taco's was a cool Austin joint since the '70's, with cheap food & beer, pool tables, and a hip-ass back patio, partially covered and made of natural stone. They used to have live music, and had recently started trying to have it again. A few years ago, Pato's business started falling a bit, and there was a convenient giant fire, putting it out of commission for a couple of years. Then, last year, it reopened, rebuilt, a bigger menu, new folks, live music, and a big front patio that extended into the yard next door, which had picnic tables. As it is right next door to my favorite corner store, the Monarch Mart (Adeel rules!), I was there almost every day, and the place was always packed. This is a great neighborhood for that sort of thing -- lots of college kids and hardcore Austin ex-hippie old-timers, ready and willing to support a local Austin institution. But, alas, as is FAR too often the case, the new Pato's was run by a total knucklehead. At first I was trying to get a solo gig there, but then I had a gig with Teri Joyce that the guy cancelled at the last minute -- because of the weather and a football game. Then came the trifecta of doom for all new restaurants -- changing menu, new hours, and a partner buyout. Finally. the pronouncement of death: "CLOSED FOR RENOVATION". Needless to say, cool new gigs at a cool new/old Austin icon (not to mention 4 blocks from my house) were now out of the question. And then came the news, by way of the same sign out front: "COMING SOON! QUACKS!" My God.

Not that I have anything against Quack's, or coffee shops in general, not at all -- I used to hang out in them in college, I play gigs in them (Flipnotics), and in fact some of my very first gigs in Austin were at the Manor Road Coffeehouse. But even the once-cool coffeeshops (yes, including Starbucks) have been sanitized -- non-smoking havens for yuppies and lunch-breakers, the tables once filled with philosophizing college kids, seething drag rats, bandana-ed mutts, freeloading hippies, and tweaky AA-ers now adorned with laptop hookups and table lamps, customers sitting alone or in hushed cliques. Flipnotics is one of the few cool ones still around, but with the (finally finished) construction on Barton Springs, even it has seen a lull in patronage. So, when I saw that Quack's was going in where Pato's used to be, it really struck me as a sign of the times -- goodbye, cool, little gritty beer/burger/music joint, hello.... well.... coffee shop.

Then, the topper: a few hours ago, my lovely Miss K (great cook, lover of real cuisine and such, Food Network and food-mag addict -- and ex-barista, for God's sake!) was looking at a website for a new restaurant called the "Dandelion Cafe". And of course, it was in quaint little building, actually painted bright yellow. Once I calmed down my gag reflex, I asked, "Um, hun, what's that?" She showed me the menu -- of course; rice, beans, soups, salads, sandwiches, not a hunk-a-meat or a drop of grease in sight.

"Looks cool, huh?" says she. I peer at the menu.

"Where's the rest of it?"

"That's it, babe."

"Then... no."

Miss K and I get along great, and I love her incredibly of course, but our food tastes couldn't be more polar opposite. This has become a source of conversations ranging from fun jabs to Lincoln-Douglas debate, all of them generally ending in, "Man, you're nuts." "Yeah, well, back atcha." All in good fun, of course. But tonight, after The Sighting of The Dandelion, it sparked quite a nice exchange. It basically boiled down to this: I think that while hip coffee-shop patrons are plentiful, especially in central Austin, they are not the majority. I find it quite unsavory that in cool, gritty little Austin, I have about 3 or 4 burger/meat & tater greasy-spoons left in the entire city that I can go to (not counting fast food and local drive-thrus) -- Hut's, Dirty's, Top Notch, and maybe Hoover's, but that's mostly BBQ. However, I can't drive 4 blocks without hitting a coffee shop or froofy cafe named after a flower. Even places that were once low-down all night Austin hangouts like Kerbey Lane and Magnolia Cafe (another damn flower!) look at you like a three-eyed leper when you order bacon. And, of course, God forbid somebody that's been down on 6th street pummeling their body with liquor and pollution for 5 hours actually getting a whiff of cigarette smoke in an all-night diner. That is flat out of the question in this town. Boy, howdy, if a feller wants a Giant-Double-Latte-Mochachino, or is having a hankerin' for a muffaletta sandwich with a side of cream of humus soup with mango chutney and a garden salad with bean sprouts, all he's gotta do is reach out his arm real far. But a big greasy burger and fries? You gotta look in the freaking yellow pages.

Again, it's not the coffee shop/flower cafe that I'm against specifically -- many people want those things, and they should be readily available. But inevitably, when you read reviews or ads for those places, they say something about them being "distinctly Austin". Is that really Austin? Is that what we've become? In many ways, yes. And here's why: the main foundation of what made Austin great, what gave it the reputation of being a cool, hip, funky place, was the hippie culture, combined with old-school kicker culture. From the Armadillo World Headquarters/Cosmic Cowboy era of the 60's and '70's to today, Austin has been known as a destination for any person, fan, or musician to experience the grit and heart that creates real artistry. However, time actually passes, people grow up, people get money, have families. That hippie/kicker culture that made Austin so cool for 30 years is now in their 40's and 50's, and is interested in health, safety, and money, not grit, heart, and soul. Now they want coffee shops, not honky-tonks. And they don't want grease and sizzle -- they want The Dandelion Cafe.

So I have to ask again. Is that Austin? I mentioned earlier the "Keep Austin Weird" bumper stickers. And that Austin will lose that war, unless it realizes what "weird" really is in today's world, when every town in the country has the same "cool" stuff like coffee shops and froofy, "high-cuisine" flower cafes, and we are being forced, by human nature and the almighty dollar, to live in a world that is safe, happy, fun, and most of all, clean. Then what is weird? Weird isn't coffee shops and quirky cafes any more. Weird is dirty. Weird is gritty. Weird is grease, smoke, and real music. "Ugly" is the "weird" of the 21st century. "Keep Austin Weird?" Forget about that. If we want to stay weird, we have to "Keep Austin Ugly".

Roger