The
past 9 months have been interesting. When you booze it up for a full decade,
it's difficult to just stop...completely change your patterns...put the bottle
down and step away. It took 3 arrests, 2 emergency room visits, a totalled Ford
Ranger, every single friend I have and a concerned Steph to make me come to
that conclusion. When you finally realize that you'll either end up dead or in
jail if you continue in your lifestyle, you tend to change that shit. I don't
know if you've noticed by my pictures, but I wouldn't do well in prison. They
could put me in the women's wing, and I'd still become someone's bitch.
"Rip
off your dick and give it to me so I can fuck you with it."
"Yes,
ma'am."
Truth
be told, it's been a lot easier than I thought it would. I transitioned
seamlessly into drinking non-alcoholic beers. I have my favorites, but it
really doesn't matter as long as it's in a bottle and it's cold. When you're in
a bar, you cling to it like habit...just like when you smoke a cigarette
knowing damn well you don't really want it.
N.A.'s
are great for me. I drink 6-8 of them a night when I'm out with my friends. It
allows you to piss at the rate of actual drunk people. Hooray! Plus, you get a
bar tab and can tip your bartenders just like always do. Super. Hey, that's my
path now...I'm a sober drunk.
I
don't like to refer to myself as an alcoholic since that moniker is tainted by
Alcoholics Anonymous, an organization that's a great last resort for that
absolutely hopeless drinker. Seriously, if you think you might have a drinking
problem, go to a meeting and realize...you don't. Those people are FUCKED UP.
Seriously. The problem with AA is they substitute an addiction for an
addiction: alcohol for "the program". There's nothing more
uncomfortable than talking to someone gung-ho about AA...especially during the
amends portion.
"Look,
I'm really sorry I got drunk that night 6 years ago and tried to hit you for no
reason."
"You
were drunk, asshole. So was I. Besides, I tried to fuck your wife after you
passed out. So save your apologies. Pussy."
Worse
than that, people in AA actually blame alcohol itself. It's not that they have
addictive personalitites, no no. It's the alcohol's fault. Yeah, that's it. Hey
everyone in AA, keep believing that while you go to your meetings and chug
gallons of coffee and chain smoke. You've conquered addiction, all right.
So
yeah, I wasn't going to go that route. I was going to do it myself. And I
wasn't going to call myself an alcoholic.
I
like to think of it like I retired from the sport of professional drinking. I
went pro, made it to the all-stars for a few years, and made some spectacular
plays and performances. Unfortunately, you can have a career ending injury or
two. Instead of shattered knee, however, my injury was rolling my truck 3 times
and getting arrested for P.I. just a week later. So I retired, and now I'm a
commentator for other drunks when I go to bars. I'm the Charles Barkley of
drinking.
BTW,
some of you might be thinking, "You quit 'cause you couldn't handle your
liquor." I could handle my liquor...I just couldn't handle my liquor, your
liquor, that guy's liquor, her liquor...Pound for pound, I was one of the
heaviest drinkers I've ever seen. You put me in a drinking contest with other
contestants in my weight category and I'd win. Granted, that would never happen
because they don't allow 12 year-old girls to drink. But if they did, I'd kick
their asses.
One
thing about being a sober drunk is that my quick wit is back. I can out-talk
and out-smart any drunken jackass in a bar. My onstage performances have VASTLY
improved, and I'm starting to actually write shit again. Wow, jokes that don't
involve drinking. Weird!
I
don't miss the daily hangovers and alcohol shits either, let me tell you.
(Yeah, it's gross. It's also true)
However,
if you've ever been a designated driver, then you know it's quite annoying to
be the only sober person in a bar at 1 AM. Even the bartenders have had a shot
or 5. So it's just you...being annoyed by goddamn everybody. It's rough, but I
like being in a bar enough to put up with it. Besides, after drinking heavily
for 11 years, nearly all of my friends are fucking drunks too. Where else am I
going to go?
"You
could surround yourself with non-drinking friends." Yeah, okay. Drunk
people can bug the shit out of me, sure. But sober people who don't go out are
far more irritating.
"Hey,
what are you guys doing tonight?"
"We're
going to play Cranium and Scattergories!"
"FUCK!"
At
that point, I'd rather watch a friend have another shot and then encourage him
to do something stupid.
"You
should absolutely smack that girl's ass. That's how she'll know you want to
fuck her. No, that can't be her husband. They probably just happen to be
wearing matching jewelry on their left hands because he's gay and she's a fag
hag. No, I'll be over here watching. You go ahead."
You'll
be happy to know that I am giving back to the drinking community. I do have
some amends to make, certainly. So I make sure that when I leave a bar at
closing, I take full advantage of the fact that I'm one of the few sober people
on the road...and I drive shitty. I accelerate, change lanes without signaling
and over all don't give a fuck. After my history with cops, I'd LOVE for them
to pull me over now and give me the "have you been drinking tonight
sir" shit.
"Hey,
let's skip to the breathalizer, Ponch. I'm feeling lucky."
That's
right, bitches. I'm running blocker for your drunk asses. East bound and down.
You see a white Honda Prelude pulled over by the cops, just
speedometer-line-line home and thank me later.
I
haven't quit drinking for good, mind you. I have an occasional glass of wine
with my girl, and if I get a hankering, I'll have some Guiness. But that's at
home in a controlled environment, so don't expect to see it. I think cutting
yourself off completely is torture and unhealthy. You have to open that release
valve occasionally.
"Occasionally"
being the key. Keep in control, Uncle Cranky. Noone really wants Drunky
McBlackout to come back out. When even your bar friends say, "Dude, we
were worried", that's not good. Don't ever make your friends discuss an
intervention while they're doing shots.
I'll
leave you with this. The worst part about not getting drunk anymore? You don't
have an out! I used to think that I would say horrible things to people because
I was trashed. Turns out, I'm just an asshole. Can't blame it on imaginary
booze, can I? So keep that in mind, kiddies. Keep drinking as long as you
can...you'll always an out that way when you do or say something stupid or
unnecessary.