Hi.
If you are reading this, then you are about to join the exciting world of
street-preaching. Specifically, you are attempting to reach the thousands of
lost souls that patronize drinking establishments. It is an almost impossible
task as your audience will either be making their way to a bar at a frantic
speed in order to quelch their desire for alcohol, or they will be so
intoxicated that communication with them may be futile. However, if the Lord
calls you, you don't have a choice, do you?
You
may be wondering why should you listen to an alcoholic, gambling, foul-mouth
atheist like me for advice. Well, for years, your kind have tried, in vain, to
witness to bar-hoppers on the street. The results have not been pleasant, have
they? It's almost like they're putting themselves in a bad position just to
feel persecuted. The problem is that street-preachers tend to use the same
tired tactics that they've learned from other street-preachers who were also
unsuccessful. It's not unlike a drunken male honking his car horn at every
female on the street in an effort to bed them. He's seen other guys do it and
fail, why not try it himself?
That's
where I come in. I have 22 years experience with religion first-hand...and not
just any religion, the mother-fucking Souther Baptists (I apologize for my
profanity, but you can pray for me later...right now, it's about YOU). For the
past 11 years, I have been a professional drunk and have seen the inside of a
bar more than you've seen the inside of a church. So who better to tell you how
to appeal to the drinker?
Let's
get started.
1)
Don't judge everyone as you are not actually God. I know. You're
thinking, No shit (although you'd only say "no duh" out loud). It
always happens, though. You get out there on the street corner, and you start
seeing all the sinners and the women dressed as whores and the satanic
behavior, and you just can't help it. "You're all going to hell!"
Then you start to preach AT them. It's annoying, fucker. And if the cops aren't
around, you could get your ass stomped in. It doesn't reach people, and you're
always wrong. You don't know that everyone on the street is going to Hell.
Sure, I am...you nailed me there. But you don't know that about everyone else,
do you? What does the Bible tell us about judging lest ye be judged?
No,
actually I'm asking you. What does the Bible say about that? I've drank alot
since I read the Bible and my memory is for shit.
2)Don't
quote Paul, quote Jesus. If you don't want to be judgmental, you can't quote a judgmental
bigoted self-proclaimed prophet like the Apostle Paul. Yeah, I get it. You
think that because the books he's written made it in the Bible, then they're
the word of God. Fine. Remember this: Paul hunted and killed Christians for
years before getting a heatstroke in the desert and seeing Jesus. He became a
Christian himself but one who attacked anyone he didn't agree with. He thought
women were just on earth as sex objects for men (Romans 1:27), and he REALLY
hated homosexuals. Jesus never mentioned gays...the New Testament mentions gays
7 times. 5 of them were written by Paul. Also, Paul thought Christians could
judge everyone but couldn't be judged themselves (1 Corinthians 2:15), and that
you are not even supposed to talk to drunks (1 Corinthians 5:9-13). Needless to
say, you need to stick with Jesus.
3)Don't
dress like a jackass, jackass. If you're going to venture into street
ministry, chances are you're a boring lame fuck. Boring lame fucks dress like
they're always going to church. You need to blend in so you can sneak up on
people. Go to Old Navy or the Gap or some other shit chain store and update the
wardrobe. And lose the tie, Clarence. CHRIST.
4)Don't
bring a sign or additional people. If you've got a group on the corner and a
couple of them are holding hand-made signs, you look like protesters.
Protesters mean "no fun" or "buzz kill". You also look like
religious freaks or cultists. You'll scare off even the most gullible
weak-minded drinker (and there are a LOT of those). If you need to go with
other people, you could work individually at separate street corners.
Unfortunately, you'll probably double-up and witness to the same person more
than once which will result in a firm "go fuck yourself, nancy-boy".
5)
Fuck Pamphlets. First off, the pamphlets are written by some jagoff who's
interpreted the Bible the way THEY want it to be. Fuck all that. Give the
sinner a small Bible and let him figure it out when you "save" him.
Also, when you give out "tracts" or "literature", it never
gets read in context. It either gets thrown away, or the recipient saves it and
makes fun of it to others in the bar. That's right. Instead of witnessing to
them, you've actually served up Jesus for ridicule. Way to go, honky.
6)
Don't use a chair or step-ladder, you high-and-mighty prick. I saw a young
gentleman using one of these last Friday night. How are you supposed to connect
with someone when you're towering over them in judgment? Are you God? Think so?
See number 1, dick. Speaking of dick, when you're on a step-ladder, your crotch
is at eye-level. This makes it very easy to cockpunch you.
At
this point you're probably expecting some Do's.
1)
Be nice, shithead. It's hard to be told off if you're polite and smiling at
someone. Most people have no fucking backbone anyway, so unless they're drunk
and trying to fuck something, they're not going to tell you off. And if you
smile enough, you may creep them out to the point that when they go home alone
to puke and spank it, that they'll remember you when they're hugging the toilet
wondering where it all went wrong. "That weird fuck sure was happy. What
does that creep shit have that I don't have?"
Um,
that's it. Being nice and not judgmental will shock the shit out of people who
expect a douchebag trying to preach to them.
I'll
leave you with 2 unique approaches to getting someone's attention.
Bribery - One of the most
successful things charities do is feed the hungry. Homeless will listen to a
sermon for a meal. With this concept in mind, offer the individual to buy them
a drink for 5 minutes of their time. No, it's not a sin to buy a drunk a shot
or a beer. The Bible only says negative shit about being drunk. And since
you're not actually drinking it, you're gold.
You
do this on a regular basis, and you will become legendary. Word will get
around. People you've never talked to before will come up to you and BEG for
some Jesus.
Tits - Hot Chicks for
Jesus. I just did a google search for this phrase and pulled up NOTHING. I
think it's time to try it. Get a hot chick with a rack in a white shirt no bra.
Hear me out. God created the female body, and it's beautiful. As long as you
yourself are not overcome with lust, you will not commit a sin. Hell, have a
scripture written on the shirt right over the tits. It'll be burned into guys'
memories no matter how many shots of whiskey they have.
So there you go. Good luck to you. I hope you
save a lot of souls. Try to save the asshats that keep coming into my bar
first, will ya?