I have quit drinking.
You know you made the right decision when you
tell your drinking buddies you quit and they all say the same thing,
"Whew, thank GOD." Yeah, I've drank my share, and your share and your
friend's share, etc. I have enough stories and I've had enough near misses.
I quit at the right time too. If I had let it
go any longer, some of my friends would have tried to plan an
intervention at the bar while doing shots, and that's just weird. "I'm
really worried about him...(GLUG)"
I don't consider myself a recovering
alcoholic. I consider myself a retired drunk. I drank professionally for
several years and even made the All-Star Team for a few of them. But it's time
to step down and let the young drunks fuck things up now. I'll become a
commentator. Basically, I'm the Charles Barkeley of alcoholism.
As for "making amends", well...I
just became a permanent designated driver, which is going to suck because I owe
a lot of people...and payback's a bitch. I'm sure I'll get a call in the middle
of the night:
(RING)
Me: "Ugh, hello?"
Drunk Friend: "Hey, I need a ride."
Me: "Jesus, man, it's 2:30 on a Tuesday.
I'm in bed."
Drunk Friend: "Dude, remember that time
you pissed on my CD collection?"
Me: "I'll be right there."
Next time you see me out, buy me a
non-alcoholic beer (I love them, btw). If you're nice enough, I can save you
some cab fare and take your ass home. Just don't puke in my car...well,
unless I puked in yours, then I guess we'll be even.
Drunky McBlackout is dead. Long live Uncle
Cranky.