f
you don't play poker or watch it, then this blog is going to bore the shit out
of you.
I've
read books, magazines and columns about Hold-em, and it's interesting to see
many different strategies regarding tournaments, home games and cash games.
However, I've never seen anyone really rip into the myriad of jagoffs and
douchebags that you run into both in person and online. So, I thought I'd give
it a whirl.
Almost
every annoying person is someone pretending to be better than they really are.
Now, I'm good at poker, but I'm not really good. I know my weaknesses, and I
know my strengths. One of my strengths is to be able to recognize people who
are completely full of shit. Here are examples:
The
Fratboy
- You'll see this guy at any place there's a game. Polo shirt or dumb-ass
college t-shirt...baseball cap...wrap-around sunglasses...fucking sandals.
These shits play poker the same way they hit on women: They're
overly-aggressive, they talk too much about themselves and there's nothing
under the surface. They're all for show and no substance. When they win a big
pot, they certainly will let you know, won't they? They bluff alot, so be
patient and catch them in their lie. Nothing feels better than to knock one of
these pricks out of a tournament and listen to them complain, "I can't
believe you called me with that! WAAAAAAAH!"
Overweight
Middle-Aged Women - Sterotypes are based on truth. There are always exceptions,
but I have yet to see one in this category. When Texas Hold-Em became popular,
these bored housewives came over from whatever time-killing activity they were
obsessed with (bridge, 42, bingo) to be my personal buzzkill. I don't have
anything against them as women or as fat people. What I hate is that they never
seem to enjoy themselves, and they work really hard at bringing down everyone
at the table. They have a consistent look of discomfort on their faces, like
their hemorrhoids are flaring up or some shit. Look, lady, if you're going to
be a bitch, stay at home and play online and cover up that scowl with some
cutesy screen name, like Texasbelle44 or curvylady91. Just get the fuck out of
my face, Bertha.
Bertha
(talking about me): "I can't believe he called my raise with a Queen 8.
GRUMBLE GRUMBLE!"
William
(sitting next to her): They were suited and you only doubled the big
blind..."
Bertha:
"GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE..."
William
told me about her later, I told him to leave her alone because it's obvious she
hadn't had cock in a while.
People
who use poker catchphrases and slang excessively - A couple of years
ago, I was playing at a bar (it was a free-roll obviously with prizes). I bet
with a stack of about 7 or 8 chips. "800..." I said the amount and
pushed the stack so it toppled over in a straight line, every chip visible.
Jagoff
across the table: "Don't splash the pot."
Me:
"Don't quote 'Rounders' to me. Especially when you don't know what the
fuck you're talking about."
Using
lingo is fine: On the button, pot odds, the nuts, whatever. But you'll notice
the assheads I'm referring to. They tend to label players based on one hand and
they always tend to say a line or do an impression of the movie
"Rounders", which is fresh to hear considering the movie came out 8
goddamn years ago. Using lots of poker sayings makes them sound more
experienced than they really are. It's like when you see a player doing a lot
of chip shuffles. When I see someone do multiple chip shuffles, you know what
that tells me? That maybe they spend more time playing with chips than playing
the fucking game.
Online
these dicks like to call people "donkeys" (means they're calling
someone a bad poker player, of course). Sometimes they say "donk",
which makes them sound retarded. Anytime you hear someone do this, wait until
they make a mistake, and then call them an animal that means absolutely nothing
in the poker world. "You are such a platypus." "What does that
mean?" "That's how you play. Oh MAN, your gameplay is so
platypus!" You'll have this jackass with no self-esteem googling
"poker" and "platypus" trying to figure out why he should
be offended.
People
who brag
- There's this guy who works at my company who's a know-it-all shit-for-brains.
He tries really hard to pretend he's not a big nerd who outdated facial hair
(btw, if you work at the video game company with me and want to know who this
is, just ask me. I'll tell you.). I heard him bragging last night to a coworker
about his successes and poker knowledge.
SFB:
"Yeah, I won a tournament in Vegas."
Coworker:
"Wow! Really?"
SFB:
"It was a hotel tournament..."
Coworker:
"How many people?"
Me:
"Yeah, how much did you win?"
SFB:
"Uh...it was like 50 people. I made 300 bucks."
WOW.
300 big ones...in a hotel. Ooooooooooooh...Where's your bracelet, Helmuth? What
was the buy-in, asshole? $25? Tournament probably took 3-4 hours, which is less
than $100 an hour. There are people who can make that online while jerking off,
so shut the fuck up. Christ, we work with a guy who made it on TV on a Full
Tilt tournament and made it to the final table with Ferguson and Lederer, and
he doesn't say shit about it. He doesn't have to...it's on fucking tape.
Ugh,
I fucking hate hearing that shit. You want to tell me about a bad beat or a
good hand, FINE. Tell me about a good night and the money you made? Okay. You
start going on about how well you're doing and what a big man you are with your
bankroll, you're going to get my fist in your scrotum.
The
hot chick
- The ones that show off cleavage and think that their physical beauty and
their flirting is going to give them an edge. "I'm just a girl and I don't
know what I'm doing, tee hee!" Nice try, Jennifer Tilly. That's not going
to work on me. I don't want your tits right now, I want your money. I know
you're full of shit, and even if you aren't, you think I'm going to sleep with
a girl who will fuck me based on how I play poker? No thanks...I don't need the
chlamydia.
The
referee
- There's always one guy at the table who thinks they know more about how to
run the tournament than anyone else...all because they sucked off a guy who
used to deal, or whatever. These are the guys who know every single little
annoying rule..."No, that card turned over. It's now the burn card."
"Hey, you can't do that..." "String bet!!" Now this guy is
important sometimes when a tournament is run by an idiot...or if noone at the
table knows what the ruling should be in some situations. I've been the ref
before. The problem is when the ref talks too loud, bosses people around, and
takes a game way too seriously...It's a free-roll, numbnuts. Settle down.
The
way you handle a bad referee is to either catch him in a mistake, or side with
him, but in a nicer way that makes him look like the douche he is. "Ma'am,
he's right, even if he is an asshole. If there's a question, just ask me
instead." Take his power.
The
fruitcake with too many accessories - Nice iPod. You realize, of course, when you
see players on TV with iPods it's because they're in a tournament that lasts
all day, right? This is bar free-roll that lasts two hours. You can't go two
hours without listening to Justin Timberlake, asshole? Hey, fuckstick! It's
your turn to act. You didn't notice because you were too busy fucking with your
gear.
Sunglasses...really?
Are you that bad of a poker player that you need to hide your eyes from Gary
over there? Gary delivers pizzas...he's not going to read you unless you're
really shitty. Seriously, this ain't Vegas, motherfucker. We're playing Limit
on a boat in the Gulf of Mexico. Take the hood off, will ya? Just 'cause you
saw it on TV doesn't make it a good idea.
Oh,
those are some silly glasses. Haha! You are a nut! Such a character! Thank you,
Greg Raymer, for opening the door to complete dipshits. Appreciate it, big guy.
And
the big one...WHINERS - The joke goes, "What's the difference between a
dog and a poker player? A dog stops whining after 15 years." There is NO
RULE against playing with any poker hand, is there? Smart players won't call a
raise with 8 3 off suit pre-flop, sure. But there's no rule that says you can't
go in with it, is there? And yeah, it sucks when your pocket pair gets beat by
a straight on the river because some idiot kept calling every raise you made.
Whine about it...go ahead. Just realize you can't improve your table image by
complaining. You can't. Let the rest of the table do it for you and just shrug
it off. Isn't that more professional? How many times have you heard poker fans
say, "My favorite poker player is Phil Helmuth! He complains alot which
reflects his zen-like nature." Let the others at the table who weren't
even in the hand go, "Really? You stayed in with 4 7? Okaaaaaay..."
Sometimes
I have to turn the chat off online because I don't like to see it. So many
crybabies.
Them
(after losing with pocket aces): "How could you call that raise with 5
6????? GODDAMMIT!!"
Me:
"Suited connectors."
Them:
"I RAISED pre-flop!"
Me:
"We're at a 25 cent table. when you raised to 85 cents, I thought to
myself, 'I'm on the button, and I could either call this, or buy a coke.' So
being the big spender, I called. Helluva flop huh? Nut straight. That's gotta
hurt. Thanks for going all-in."
The
problem with so many people playing poker nowadays is there are so many books
out there, and so many people who read them...and they all play the same way,
don't they? Raise three times the blind...follow a formula, and then complain
when it doesn't work every time. Guess what, asshole? There's luck involved.
Chance. You want a game of pure skill, go play chess, wear a turtleneck, smoke
a pipe and be a prick somewhere else. You want to play poker? Take your bad
beats like a man and quit crying like a bitch.
That's it for now.