Alright,
I've made fun of a lot of shit since I started blogging on the internet. I've
offended several people, made people laugh, and wasted everyone's time at some
point. Well, it's payback. I believe it is a healthy thing to make fun of
yourself on occasion, so here we go. I'm going to list my guilty
pleasuresÉthings that I know suck and yet I love them anyway. Sure, I'll try to
justify why, but it doesn't change the fact that I like crap. This will give
you some ammunition for the future when I make fun of something you like, you
can defend it with, "Yeah? But you like ______. WHATEVER, CRANKY."
Let's
get started.
1)
Kid Rock
Ð I'm going to blame Hunter for this one. Ever
since I heard the phrase "pussy and blow, you know how I live" from
one of his songs, I've been a big fan. "Oh, so you only like his old
stuff." No, I like everything he does. No, I don't know why that is. He's
very faux white trash with a lot of great influences...country, rap and rock.
When he tries to do country music, it's sometimes embarrassing, but it's still
better than most Nashville artists. Before you make fun and bring up how he and
Hank Jr. hanging out is pathetic, keep this in mind: He writes better than Hank
III, so stick it. "Nuh uh, Shelton sounds like his grandfather." No,
he sounds like Wayne Hancock. If I want to hear that, I'll listen to fucking
Wayne HancockÉnot some copycat who writes shitty "punk" music and
does cover tunes. (Dammit, this is about me sucking, not you. Sorry.) Anyway,
Kid RockÉI'm a fan. I can't defend itÉI own every album.
2)
Depeche Mode Ð Roger once blogged that if you like D.M. you're out of the
dude club. I guess I'm fine with that. Not enough pussy in the dude club,
anyway. I've liked Depeche Mode ever since I saw the video for "Personal
Jesus" during the height of David Gahan's heroin addiction when he wore a
cowboy hat, sunglasses and a beard. I thought he was fucking cool. It's stuck
ever since, and I love Depeche Mode. I can't stand Morrisey or the Cure, so I
don't know why I'm down with just this band. Is it just a man crush? I have no
idea.
3)
The movie "Armageddon" Ð Have you ever wondered what it would be
like if someone tried to force every single movie trick and clichŽ into one big
outrageous blockbuster? Well, that's "Armageddon". Holy shit, they
don't pull any stops. Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer must have made this
movie on a dare. "Hey, how over the top can we go before the American
people don't buy it? I think we can get away with anything."
They've
got huge stars in this oneÉbig-ass special effects including "Independence
Day"-like destruction and space sequencesÉthey have the patriotic montage
like you're watching a Mellencamp video, so over the top you feel the need to
salute the fucking movie. They have the slow-motion walk of the heroes going to
save the day. Oh yeahÉ"heroes"Éyes, a rag-tag band of misfits are our
only hope. Don't forget the part where you have to kill off some characters to
make it emotional. Let's have a Russian stereotype, too, who fixes things by
hitting them. Yeah! Love interest? We got it. Get me a funny guy. Get me a
funny fat guy too. DONE.
And
I LOVE IT. I watch it every time it comes on TV. I can't help it. I sit through
all 2 and a half hours and I cry like a bitch at the end. It IS the ultimate
blockbuster. It was so over the top that I think when they tried to do the same
thing with "Pearl Harbor" after it, nobody bought it. You couldn't
impress or wow anyone after "Armageddon".
4)
Bologna Ð
I eat a lot of bad stuff: Totino's pizza, hotpockets, microwave dinners, Taco Bell
and Jack in the BoxÉbut nothing grosses friends and family out like my love for
Oscar Meyer Bologna. Fuck ham and turkey, I want bologna and cheese on white
bread smothered in Miracle Whip. I understand that even hot dogs look at
bologna and say, "Jesus, at least the lips and assholes we're made from
come from animals you can identify." Doesn't matter. I love that shit.
5)
MMORPGs
Ð "Massively Multiplaying Online Role-Playing Games" for those in the
dark. These are games you play with a bunch of other people online, like World
of Warcraft, Everquest, Lineage II, Guild Wars, etc. Some of you might be
saying, "Hey, those don't suckÉ" Yeah they do. It's a huge waste of
time spending hours and hours online when you could be actually outside or talking
to real people. But ever since I started working for a company that makes them,
turns out I like being an imaginary character for a little bit. At least I have
self-control. Actually, no, I have a girlfriend. If she wasn't around saying
"Neeeeeerrrrddds" you guys wouldn't see me out as much.
6)
Techno
Ð Specifically, Trance and Goa. The fact that I know what type of techno I like
is worth mocking.
7)
Johnny Knoxville Ð I like him in every movie he's been in. Natural Selection is
trying to kill him off with all the dumb shit he does, but I can't help it. I
dig him. Granted, I'm not from Knoxville, TN. I suppose if there was an asshat
named Johnny Austin who went around being a dildo in a cowboy hat and
six-shooters, I'd probably hate him too, Roger.
If I come up with any more, I'll let you know.