"Behold,
I come quickly." -- Revelations 3:11, 22:7, 22:12
"Quickly"
is defined as speedy, give or take 2000 years. Armageddon is coming, kids, so
you need to get right with God, or else...or else you'll hear this shit every
5-10 goddamn years.
Ever
since the Apostle John was exiled to the island of Patmos and ate something
that made him see visions, we've had Revelations, the final apocalyptic book of
the New Testament. With it, we've been preached at about the second coming of
Jesus and the "End Times"...Thanks, John. Appreciate it, big guy.
This
is coming up more and more due to the natural disasters that have occured
recently (as opposed to all the others that have occured over time), war,
famine, blah blah blah...but more recently because of our good friends in
Israel and their brilliant military tactics. And it makes sense, of course. God
knows Israel has NEVER been at war with another Islamic country in that region.
Right?
The
State of Israel was declared as soon as the Brits got the fuck out of the
Palestine Mandate, in 1948. They were welcomed by their neighbors with the
Arab-Israeli War of 1948, which pit Israel against Palestine, Egypt, Syria,
Jordan, Lebanon, and Iraq. That must have been fun. In the mid-fifties Israel
declared war on Egypt. In 1967 Israel won the Six-Day War against Syria,
Jordan, and Egypt (I say "won"...they kicked the shit out of them and
took over more territory including the West Bank and Gaza Strip). 1968 to 1972
is known as the War of Attrition with shit happening on the borders between
Israel and Syria and Egypt. Also at this time, palestinian terrorist groups
attacked Israel and various Jewish targets (see "Munich"). They
launched an attack against Lebanon in 1982 and captured Beirut. Since then,
there's been skirmishes and constant terrorism for our Middle Eastern allies.
My
point? I'm shocked it's been this long since Israel's unleashed the guns. If
you think World War III is about to start because of this, you seriously need
to read some fucking history.
So
why are some religious people concerned/delighted that Armageddon is coming?
Well, let me sum up what their interpretation of Revelations' prophecies are.
Different factions believe different things, so I'll just go with the Southern
Baptist view as it's what I'm most familiar with:
First,
Jesus takes all the Christians off the planet...Boom. They're gone. A bit of
chaos ensues, as would be expected.
Out
of the craziness, the Antichrist will come into power, and he will form a one
world government. That's right. Someone is going to unite democracies,
communist states and Islamic states into one big happy family. He'll make a
seven-year treaty with Israel, who I'm guessing is allied but not actually
involved in the one-world government. BTW, this is why a lot of people don't
like the U.N...because the Bible told them they're assholes.
While
Senor Anti is doing this, he makes friends with an entity known as the Whore of
Babylon (probably not the actual name of this group), who will form this huge
global "false" religion..."False" meaning not Christianity,
of course. The Roman Catholic Church, the USSR and the United States have
been/are being referred to as Whore. Of Babylon.
Halfway
through the aforementioned seven years, shit goes haywire. We're talking
disease, suffering, famine, violence, chafing...and the whole world turns to
Mr. Not-Christ and asked him/her to lead everyone. He says, and I'm quoting,
"Like my good friend George W. Bush would say, 'bring it on, bitch!' Okay,
he wouldn't say 'bitch', but I like it. It makes me sound like I'm hip."
He establishes a "one world money system" in which everyone must have
the Number of the Beast branded, tattooed, marked or stapled onto them (666, oh
yeah...go Iron Maiden, go). This is why some Americans hate the Euro. One step
closer to the end of the world, right? Sure.
Now
here's where it gets weird. The Antichrist becomes possessed by a demon from
the deep pit of hell, and he becomes "The Beast". It's not said if
this conversion is visible or not, but I'd like to think the Antichrist becomes
tan or something...maybe he gets highlights in his hair or dons a faux hawk.
All
this time, more people have converted to Christianity, including a large number
of Jews...yeah, no shit. People disappear off the planet? I think I might sign
back up, too. The Beast reveals himself to the world by committing acts of
atrocities towards both Christians and Jews, and ruthlessly persecutes them. He
does for the remaining 3 1/2 years, as prophesized by John in Revelation 13.
At
the end of the seven years, The Antichrist/Beast/Big Kahuna brings together all
the armies of the world to attack Israel in the Battle of Armageddon. (Note
that the fucking Antichrist actually honors his own 7 year treaty...I had no
idea he would have ethics) Just as Israel is to be destroyed, Jesus returns in
the Second Coming with an army from heaven, and they kick ass. After the
slaughter is over, everyone gets ice cream, because Christ is cool like that.
The
End.
All
this comes from one book of the Bible. Pretty heavy shit. So basically, any
time that Israel is involved or looks to be involved in a war, people freak out
and start looking for the Antichrist. Christians want it to happen, because, as
you probably noticed, they believe they get to miss the bad shit, go to heaven
and sit back and say, "I told John F-word Rabon to straighten up."
This is why I'm not a fan of Fundamentalist Christians being in charge of our
country. You don't want leaders who secretly desire that Israel get into more
trouble to be in charge, do you? Ronald Reagan said "we may be the
generation that sees Armageddon" while he was in office. James G. Watt,
Reagan's Secretary of Interior once said, "my responsibility is to follow
the Scriptures which call upon us to occupy the land until Jesus returns".
Does that not scare the fuck out of you? Say what you want to about George W.
Bush...at least he's just a pretend Christian. I'll take shamelessly greedy
prick over batshit-crazy fanatic any day.
I'm
typing this long-winded post because I'm irritated at ill-informed assholes who
talk like Revelations is fact. I said earlier that the above prophecy is an
interpretation, because there are tons of different versions depending on the
religion. Some believe the Rapture won't happen until after the seven years of
Tribulation. I call these the "glass is half empty" Christians.
Here's
a sign that Revelations probably shouldn't be taken as seriously as people do:
The first part of the book is a letter that supposedly came from God that went
to Jesus, who had an angel deliver it to the Apostle John on his island where
he was tripping balls, so that he could deliver the message to the Seven Angels
of the Seven Churches...because apparently normal communication between God and
angels was down and the repairman wouldn't get it fixed until at least AD 125.
I
mean, who starts off writing a letter to seven angels and then drops the first
ever mention of "the Seven Spirits of God" in the Bible (Revelation
3:1)? You can't introduce characters at the end of the story! That's bullshit!
Then you start seeing beasts with multiple eyes and wings (4:6-8) and a dead
lamb with seven eyes and horns (5:6)? Oh, and don't get me started on the
fucking seals. Really, Apostle? The stars fall on the earth, do they(6:12-14)?
Actual stars or will Mars hit us as well?
I'm
not saying don't believe your faith. Just realize that just because the guy
you're listening to is wearing a suit doesn't mean he's right, because he's
probably not. Israel will be fighting wars as long as they exist because they
picked a shitty location (or God did...whatever). I think you should focus more
on making the world a better place and being a better person, because isn't
that what faith is supposed to do? Don't worry about the end of the world.
You'll probably die before it happens, so you might as well enjoy your fucking
life now.
You know, I probably could have saved a bunch
of time and blog space and just said, "You guys are full of shit! Go have
fun!"