I'm
ripping off this idea for a blog from my good friend Roger Wallace. However, rather than
want to punch these ten individuals in the face, I'd want to cockpunch them (or
twatpunch, depending on gender). You hit them hard enough in their reproductive
organs, and maybe they don't get to breed anymore. Then maybe the world will be
a better place in the future...or at least just a little less shitty.
1)
Trace Adkins - No surprise here if you've seen my bit about him.
"Honky-Tonk Badonkadonk" represents everything wrong with country
music today. It's so shitty that I'm willing to get my ass kicked by that
big-ass fuckstick just to crotch-tag him with my fist.
2)
George "Macaca" Allen - He's refusing to concede his Senate seat,
and he's being a whiney bitch about it. The man needs to give a concession
speech in a high-pitched voice while clutching his genitals.
3)
Ann Coulter - There are more reasons to sucker punch Ann in her cold, dead
vagina than there are reasons to not believe anything President Bush says. If
you ever see one of her books in someone's house (and it's not a joke), you end
the friendship. Period. There is something wrong with them.
4)
Kathy Griffin - I can simply annoy this waste of space who's entire act is
being that gossipy bitch you hated in high school. However, I'll take her down
because Steph really really doesn't like her. That one's for you, baby.
5)
The douchebag at Fox who had the idea of putting "The War at Home" on
Sunday and moving "Arrested Development" to Tuesday so it would get
cancelled
- Emmy award-winning show...probably the best written comedy ever on TV. The
same people who like "Family Guy" and "The Simpsons" would
love this show...NAH...Let's put that picklehead Michael Rappaport on instead.
Chris Allen said "The War at Home" is like an unfunny
"Married...with Children". I agree, and I think in addition to that,
every script for this show is written in shit by the monkey that came with it.
(At
this point, let me just say that it was tempting to put Paris Hilton on the
list, but I already have Coulter and Griffin...I'm running out of ways to
rephrase "vagina slugging". Also, I had been planning to put Kevin
Federline on the list, but man...There's no reason to tear him down. He's
wailed on his own junk enough with everything that he does. Also, Britney told
him she was divorcing him with a text message. Ouch. I wonder if she used a
frowny-face emoticon?)
6)
Keenan Ivory Wayans - The writer, producer and director of "Little Man"
and "White Chicks". He's also going to make a remake of "The
Munsters" next year. Does that make you irritable and angry? That's
natural.
7)
Every single spoiled little shit that appeared on "My Super Sweet 16"
on MTV...and their parents - That's a lot of privates to pummel. Wikipedia has the
list of all these completely spoiled wastes of life who piss away the
equivalent of how much you make a year times 5 or 10 for one fucking party.
They represent the pure selfishness and greed of human nature. I hope every
single girl on that show gets a venereal disease in college and their parents
get busted for tax evasion.
8)
Jared Leto - I like him as an actor. The problem I have with him is he's
got a fucking emo band called "30 Seconds To Mars", and man do they
suck. Oh, he's pretty, isn't he? Sporting that "I have deep emotions"
hair that's so emo he has to have gay guys who yell "QUEER!" at him.
What separates him from the other god-awful bands of the same genre? Just this:
He's 35 fucking years old. Seriously, pervert quick acting like you're an
18-year old rock star. You're older than me, dick. "Yeah, but I'd fuck
him," thinks someone who's reading this. You do that. And when you're
sucking his dick, say, "I'll swallow if you don't sing another song."
9)Jamie
Bolton
- He was the first bully I ever encountered. He made me cry when I was 9 at
school in front of other kids. The thing is, he dropped out of school after
being held back some and I last saw him working on a garbage truck when I just
graduated high school. He's been punished, true...but I need closure. Actually,
I just think it would be kind of funny to walk up to him out of nowhere,
cockpunch him and say, "That's for the 3rd grade, asshole! Remember
recess? Payback's a BITCH!"
10) Fred Phelps - These were in no
particular order, but this fuckface deserves it most of all. He's the head of
the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas. They're the "God hates
fags" people who have taken that creative step from being completely
wrong, to being completely evil by protesting funerals of gay people and U.S.
soldiers. Phelps is the one person that I would shoot in face, urinate in the
bullet hole, and feel absolutely no guilt while doing it. Even the thought of
doing it makes me feel warm inside. Does that make me fucked up? Maybe I'll
just stick with the using his ball sack as a punching bag.