JohnRabon.com:Updates, Gripes and Random Shit

Updates, Gripes and Random Shit Archives

Random Shit

http://vancouver.24hrs.ca/Entertainment/2006/04/05/1520358-sun.html

"It sounds like an old April Fool's joke, but reports indicate that socialite Paris Hilton will be offered the role of Mother Teresa in an upcoming film.

"Indian filmmaker T. Rajeevnath wants the House of Wax star to play the late humanitarian in a movie biography he is planning."

Yes, I'm as shocked as you are...until I figured out that this is just an elaborate scheme Rajeevnath came up with to fuck Paris Hilton. I can't think of any other reason why he thinks this is a good match. "Alright, here's the deal. We're doing a movie about Rosa Parks." "Who do you want to play Rosa?" "David Allan Coe."

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You can find me drinking most times at Jackalope/Cucaracha. The "Cucaracha" portion of the bar is in the back...outside where you can smoke. The downside of this is that the frat bar Mooseknuckle has a door connected to Cucaracha so those douchebags can smoke too. That's a wise decision...let's have a back door exit for drunken meatheads so they can mingle with hardcore punks.

A drinking acquaintance of mine, Butch, described the situation like this: "Hey, you ever play that game Gauntlet? You know how there are those boxes that generate a neverending amount of ghosts/goblins until you destroy it? That's what that doorway to Mooseknuckle is. A dickhead generator.

"Punk Rocker needs booze, badly."

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The upside of TABC busting people in bars for drinking is that 9 times out of 10, the people they're going to bust are assholes I don't like. I figured this out because I honestly don't see some TABC narc infiltrating the places that I drink successfully. Really...a square in a crew cut is going to blend in a punk bar? That would be interesting to see...a water-drinking douche in a Blink 182 t-shirt saying, "Hey, I sure do like the punk rock!"

The downside is, as pointed out by my friend Russell , is that if they start fucking with other bars, those patrons are going to scatter and go to others...which means more of the previously-mentioned Mooseknuckle shit-buckets infiltrating my space. Goddamn, we need to kick TABC in the taint.

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My girl and I have recently done something I haven't done in a long time: exercise. Specifically, we played tennis.

Okay, stop laughing, assholes.

Steph hasn't played since she was 10. I played in high school. That was, of course, before I smoked and drank for 10+ years. Imagine two hungover rockstars in jeans sweating alcohol and wheezing while playing goddamn tennis. Yeah, it's pretty funny.

Good exercise, though. You hit the ball, cuss, then go chase it because you really really suck. I wore a pair of Nike's I've owned for 12 years that have been in my truck for the past 3. You know what happens to shitty shoes that bake in the Texas sun for multiple years? They fall apart. You then find yourself in Nike socks, essentially.

04/02/06 A Bit of Advice

If you're a little white emo prick in glasses, you're watching a show in a goth/punk bar like Elysium and a drunk and irritable comedian in a black cowboy hat and shirt is onstage performing, you might not want to heckle him with fake laughter just because you didn't like a joke. He might jump off the stage, get right in your face and threaten to beat your ass if you don't shut up or leave. It's not a good situation to be in...especially when your friends are embarrassed to be sitting with you because they were actually enjoying the show and the entire audience is applauding/encouraging the comedian to continue to harass you.

"You think I'm afraid I won't get to perform at Elysium again because I kicked a four-eyed cocksucker's ass? COME ON!"

To be fair, my set went really well after that point. I guess I should thank the guy. Thanks, dick. Sorry I made you pee yourself.

Actually, something tells me he was more scared of Hunter, who was standing right behind me glaring at him.

03/28/06 Should Have Known...

When you go see Doug Stanhope perform, you'll notice one of his points is that while you get older the bar stays 22. Your friends will drop off and quit coming out...and he told everyone at the show to go ahead and call in sick the next day and enjoy themselves. Essentially, don't let your friend be the only 39 year old in the bar. Now, when you hear that, and then after the show Doug says, "Hey, if we ever get paid we're going to drink at Casino", no response sounds dumber than, "Sorry, I have to work tomorrow." Actually, my exact response was, "I can't, I have to wo--goddammit. Fine."

I'm tired...I've drank for 4 straight days now...I've smoked way too many cigarettes...I have no more money to fuck around with...

Fucking A'...

03/22/06 Just to clarify...

Something came up in a conversation with a friend when I was bitching about South-By Southwest and how much I was glad it was over. I think my complaining about SXSW gives people the impression that I think they should have it somewhere else or not have it here at all.

So let me be clear: I'm not saying, "Don't have a bullshit music festival that exploits bands who don't get paid, makes a shitload of money for the founders of the festival and pays a very little amount to people who work their ass off in a slave labor-type of way just to give rich people something to do and to hobnob with celebrities." I'm saying that it IS a bullshit music festival that exploits bands who don't get paid, makes a shitload of money for the founders of the festival and pays a very little amount to people who work their ass off in a slave labor-type of way just to give rich people something to do and to hobnob with celebrities.

Just so we're clear.

03/19/06 Dear Girl In Grey Shirt With Nice Rack at Beck's Yesterday

Thanks for enjoying Roger Wallace's music so much that you bounced up and down. That was fucking awesome.

Signed,

Every Straight Guy at the Show

03/09/06 Shit...It's That Time

If anyone knows where I can get a laminated badge made, please let me know. I completely forgot to get this done in time, but I wanted to get a bunch of badges made with the South-By-Southwest font that say, "Fuck You, I Live Here."

Yes, SXSW is back again. It's time to prepare yourself to say "Who the fuck are all these people" repeatedly. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do what I did last year...find a place that serves booze that the tourists haven't gotten wind of and barricade myself inside. Either that or I'll hang out at Casino El Camino or Cucaracha and watch the clueless ass monkeys flash their badges and get shitty service just for doing so.

03/04/06 For Those Who Tried Out For Last Comic Standing...

My boss at my day job convinced me that sitting in line at Cap City was better than answering the phones talking to douchebags. However, what she didn't realize is there would be plenty of douchebags sitting in line that I would have to talk to face to face. I finally decided that any time your boss encourages you to take time off, you should take it.

I arrived at the club at around 1:30, knowing I'd be the last one to sign up, and they'd never get to me. So I got my paperwork...looked around at all the people sitting in the sun drinking water and going over their 3 minutes (Actually the first 20-30 probably did 2-3 minutes...once the scheduled auditions were done, the rest of the cattle call contestants were fucked...especially after the lunch break. They were lucky to get a minute of time on stage). I looked at all of the people trying to one up each other and be "hilarious", and quickly left to go drink at Ginny's for the next 3 hours.

Just before 5, I called one of my comedy buddies to verify that, yes, I would have never made it for the audition had I stayed. So I did the only thing that made sense to me at the time. I went to Sugar's and ate a free steak and looked at titties. It wasn't all fun and games, though...one of the strippers leg-locked my head and spanked me for a dollar.

I went home to take an hour break from drinking before I had to go downtown. I took the bus to 6th Street and hit all the usual hotspots where jagoffs tend to stay away from: Casino El Camino, Jackalope/Cucaracha...and I ended the night at Mugshots. Guess who was drinking there? The Last Comic Standing people.

My friend Matt was there and apparently knew them, because he immediately introduced me to them as "the funniest comic in Austin" (he must have been drunk). This would have been a great opportunity to network with these talent scouts/producers...Unfortunately, I had been drinking for almost 12 hours. The big guy who had been giving people shit all day during their auditions asked me, "So...why didn't you try out today?"

I looked at him and said, "Because your show sucks."

Realizing what just came out of my mouth, I followed it up with, "Oh, um...and also because most of my material you couldn't put on Network TV."

"What, are you too vulgar?"

"No, I'm funny...and I say 'fuck' a lot."

And that was the end of our conversation. I don't remember much after that. He either walked away from me, I got bored with him, or both.

So there you go, kids. If that assface was mean to you when you went up, keep in mind that I got to unintentionally burn him later. I think what I learned from this experience is that if I ever want to get on the TV, I better work on my networking skills...Either that or just continue being me and not worry about trying to get on a reality show that should really be called "Last Comic Who's Mildly Entertaining but Bland Enough to Put in a Sitcom Standing."

02/27/06 Rollergirls and Last Comic Standing

I wanted to post this before tonight's "Rollergirls" episode airs. In the show, Punky Bruiser goes up onstage at the Velveeta Room during open mic.

Now, I don't know Punky. I've never met her. But I wanted to relay some things you may not know about:

1) From what I understand, the producers asked Punky to either try stand-up or sell used cars. She wanted to sell cars.

2) The very first time you try comedy is fucking hard and nerve-racking. I can't imagine trying it when you really don't want to do it.

3) The crew taping in the club were dicks. I didn't stick around long enough to see Punky's set because the crew was in the way, acting like they owned the place.

4) When you do open mic, you're given 3 minutes. You get a light from the back at 2. When you're on stage, time has no meaning, really. 7 minutes could pass and it feels like 1. The lights they set up made it 10 times as hard to see the flashlight in the back. Needless to say, Punky went long on her time.

The drama of reality shows is due to the editing, if you haven't figured that out yet. While I support my friends in TXRD, the producers of the A&E show suck ass. I mean really...an hour long show about Lux and her boyfriend moving in together? What's the show about next week? Jonna Rose gets her driver's license renewed? That's some exciting shit. (Although Cha-Cha's outfit at the art show was outstanding. WOW.)

Bottom line: The show will most likely be edited to make Punky look like she did worse than she actually did...and that's not particularly fair.

While on the subjects of reality shows and stand-up comedy, "Last Comic Standing" is holding open auditions again this year at the Capitol City Comedy Club later this week. The first two auditions I boycotted. I was contemplating going to this one and treating it like a block party...showing up with a flask and a cooler full of beer.

I decided I'm not, though. None of my material will be what they're looking for, and even if I caused a big enough entertaining scene, they'd just edit me into being a jackass. They'd put me on the reject montage "American Idol" style sandwiched between a douche in a banana costume (thanks, Chris Allen) and an idiot with a puppet.

The open call is a smoke screen so they can choose from pre-selected comics who have scheduled auditions. It's a sham. Besides, me trying out for "Last Comic Standing" would be like your favorite local band's lead singer auditioning for "American Idol". It doesn't fit.

There's also the point that my best material can't be aired on network TV. You won't be hearing the phrase, "skull(beep) the babysitter" on primetime.

So, fuck you, no. I won't be going.

02/23/06 Mardi Gras Again?

Someone remind me to not go downtown next Tuesday. Christ. Celebrating Mardi Gras in any place other than New Orleans is like masturbating to the movie "Tomb Raider" and telling people you fucked Angelina Jolie. In New Orleans, it's a party. Here? It's day workers and teenage boys standing around with cameras and hard-ons.

Seriously, girls, what appeal is this for you? You know how scary drunk frat fucks are downtown anyway...imagine the same group of guys twice as drunk and horny. And you're going to flash your tits at them for jewelry that costs a nickel? Classy.

Remember to collect as many beads as possible and hang them on your car's rear view mirror to remind you of your skank level.

"Let's see...I need to get over in the right lane so I can exit. Is there anyone behind me? Oh yeah, that's right! I'm a whore!"

02/20/06 Seriously?

http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/basicinstinct2/

From the director of "Doc Hollywood" and the writer of "Desperately Seeking Susan"... Basic Instinct 2 .

Sharon Stone is...48.

Ew.

"I'm ready for my close-up, Michael."

"Yeah, Sharon...I don't think we're going to do that shot in this one."

"Why not?"

"Because it's been 14 years, and the thought of seeing your twat is making the crew gag on their catered sandwiches."

02/14/06 What The Fuck Is Wrong With You?

A conversation that just took place at work:

Me: "They were hunting from a car. They were on a private ranch that has quail in cages. They let the quail out of the cages for them to be 'hunted', and rich assholes shoot at them from their SUV's. The birds can't even fly."

Co-worker: "How'd Cheney shoot the guy in the face if they were in the same car?"

Me: "The old guy got out to go pick up a bird he killed and was walking back, when a couple attempted to fly off...Cheney shot at them...and ended up hitting a 78 year-old Republican in the face. Hahaha. Anyway, that's bullshit, man. That isn't hunting. Why don't you just shoot them in a cage?"

Douchebag (who wasn't even in the conversation): "Hey, don't knock it. Someone came up with that idea...hunting for rich people. It's a money-making idea."

Me (staring at him): "You know what else is a money-making idea? 12 year-old hookers in Bangkok. That doesn't make it fucking right."

(Douchebag mumbles and goes back to typing like a jagoff.)

02/07/06 Are you ready to rock? No? Good. Here's Bryan Adams.

Bryan Adams not happy with work

BOMBAY, India (AP) -- Bryan Adams is writing a new album, but of the 30 songs he's already come up with, he loves just three.

"There's a saying, 'It's easy to write songs, but very difficult to write great songs.' I'm going through that right now," Adams told reporters Friday while on his fourth tour to India.

Adams spoke of the discipline and objectivity that songwriters must have.

"It's a really difficult process," he said. "You have to be methodical and focused."

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Yes. It also helps to have some fucking talent. Wow...how bad are those 27 songs if even he doesn't like them? The lyrics of songs he's published are on par with poems written by 13 year-old girls.

"It cuts like a knife...but it feels so right..."

"Bryan, we're going to need a longer chorus."

"Okay...let's throw in a bunch of na-na-na-na's in there."

"Genius!"

01/31/06 Brokeback Moun--YAWN...

I'm tired of hearing about this movie. Every day I hear those two goddamn words, and every day I roll my fucking eyes.

I hear about the movie from people who talk about how great it is. Thanks for sharing. I gathered that from all the "critical acclaim". I'll remember that you liked it when I don't ever rent it. Yes, I'm sure it's a touching love story. Thanks, but I'd rather not watch a drama about "forbidden" love for an uncomfortable two hours. This isn't a gay thing. It's a "CHRIST this is painful and awkward" thing. I feel the same way about chick flicks.

I hear the movie referenced by people making jokes. Ha ha. Gay cowboys. Hilarious. Listen...if Jay Leno and Carson Daly are using it as a nightly reference, it's not funny anymore. Drop it from the repertoire, and for God's sakes, do not tell me a "Brokeback" joke and then say I can use it in my act.

The worst, however, is when I hear from homophobic conservatives either on TV or in person. I firmly believe that the majority of people offended by the movie would rather have had the two characters fuck their sheep than each other...you know, like every other lonely, bored and horny sheepherder in Wyoming. They won't admit it out loud, but inside that's what they're thinking. "At least they'd be screwin' female animals..."

Then you have fuck-faces like Bill O'Reilly and ilk who say that there's an agenda from Hollywood behind the movie and how it is undermining the "American cowboy ideal". What would that agenda be, Bill? That it's okay to be gay? Funny, I thought it was a story about two guys who have to hide their homosexuality because they were living in Wyoming in 1963, where everyone there was as intolerant, judgmental and hate mongering as you. And you do realize, of course, that this wasn't made specifically by a big shriner-like organization of gay jews trying to recruit men to suck cock and hate Jesus, right? It was a short story written by E. Annie Proulx, which first appeared in The New Yorker on October 13, 1997. The screenplay was written by Larry McMurtry and his writing partner Diana Ossana. You Republicans know who Larry McMurtry is, right? "Lonesome Dove" Did way more to build up "American cowboy ideal" than this movie will to tear it down. He's also a producer of the film. AND...it's directed by Ang Lee, who is not a Hollywood type. And last time I checked, neither Larry nor Ang are Jewish or prefer penis to vagina.

It's funny...those of us who don't care about the film don't really bring it up. If we do, we bring it up as just another movie we have or haven't seen or a movie we do or do not want to see. It's the guys who aren't secure enough in their masculinity who become offended with shit like this. Let it go, you homophobic jagoff.

01/17/06 Pflugerville says No to Sin (i.e. Fun)

Here's the article. My comments are below.

http://news8austin.com/content/top_stories/default.asp?ArID=153861

Pflugerville residents protest proposed strip club

A topless club wants to take up residence in a proposed strip shopping center near Pflugerville, which has neighbors shouting in protest.

"Take your strip club somewhere else. We don't want it in our backyard. We want something nice in our backyard," Julia Ruiz of Pflugerville Families First said.

Universal Media applied for a liquor license and plans to develop the parcel on Grand Avenue near Interstate 35 just down the road from Pflugerville homes.

On Monday, petitioners worked at a frenzied pace to get signatures of protest. They plan on presenting their petitions to Travis County Commissioners.

"There are too many kids who live around here and we don't want that in our neighborhood," petition signer Streisand Harper said.

Universal Media did not return several calls for comment.

Protestors were very aggressive about getting names on the petitions. As of Monday afternoon they had about a thousand signatures and they plan on getting more.

"I love children, and that's what it's about, protecting our children," protester Ricky Nelson said. "Clubs like this, all they do is bring violence, they bring sin, they bring rapists and drugs to your neighborhood."

One snag for protestors is that the property for the proposed strip club doesn't sit in Pflugerville but just outside of it, which may limit what they can do.

Petitioners say they plan to meet with county commissioners to find out how many signatures they'll need and what other steps to take.

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Okay, first off, it's not even in Pflugerville, so the protests are moot. But let's go with it. "There are too many kids who live around here and we don't want that in our neighborhood." Hey lady...you have to be 21 to get in. Your kids will be carded. You should worry more about the husbands in the neighborhood who will go because their wives are uptight overweight bitches.

"I love children, and that's what it's about, protecting our children." Yeah? Well, I hate children and I love strippers. You want to protect your children? Then do your job as a parent and leave the titties alone for the rest of us.

Clubs like this, all they do is bring violence, they bring sin, they bring rapists and drugs to your neighborhood." They bring "sin"? RIGHT...because Pflugerville is a drug-free paradise where noone drinks too much and beats their wife and kids. How stupid are you? "The rapists" that go to strip clubs won't leave until the club closes at 2am. And when they leave, who's going to be in the most danger? The fucking strippers they were staring at for hours. Your precious children should be in bed, and they're not going to come after your aforementioned fat-ass wives who will also be in bed after reading their romance novels and laughing at unfunny jokes on the Tonight Show. And drugs? Do you know how expensive cocaine is? Strippers are not going to share it with your children, you ass-hat.

Here's the best part. The strip club would be on the frontage road of I-35 (not in a neighborhood). And 2 miles away...right next to Pflugerville and these neighborhoods...is an established strip club named Joy of Austin...which has been there for YEARS. Are you saying that sin, drugs and "the rapists" can't migrate from 2 miles away? What planet do you live on? You obviously have never seen some of the other buildings on the side of the highway between Williamson County and central Austin: seedy motels, porn shops, massage/lingerie shops, crackhouses...a clean regulated strip club is actually a relief from what is already there. I haven't even mentioned the number of meth labs that more than likely reside in Pflugerville. You guys are too clueless and uptight. You need to see some titty and have a beer.

01/16/06 I Watch Too Much TV

I've been watching a lot of Comedy Central this weekend. I must have seen that goddamn Girls Gone Wild ad 50 times in 3 days. This last time I saw it got me thinking: Do you think when parents see their spoiled little sorority daughter in these ads with a black bar covering their tits or crotch they die a little on the inside? I hope so. The thought of them shaming their family makes me laugh so hard I pee a little.

By the way...these DVD's should be called "Girls Gone LAME". If there's no strap-on, shocker, DP, midget, facial or gagging, it's not wild. It's BORING. Don't buy these...get a real porn, you pussies.

was at a loss as to why the baby kept crying. I wanted to go up to him and say, "Gee, dude...I don't know why she's unhappy. Maybe the cigarette smoke in here is burning her eyes. Or maybe that loud-ass AC/DC tune playing right now has her on tilt...she's probably a Brian Johnson girl, not a Bon Scott buff. Hey, here's a thought. GET HER THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Thanks. And buddy? Get out while you still can."

Added note: I just realized that if I had been more of an entrepreneur, I would have utilized my hippie friends during their big shindig. I should have had them make arts and crafts during their peak on Saturday and then sold whatever they made to dumbass tourists at the Pecan Street festival on Sunday. Sure, it would have just been a collection of oddly shaped objects crafted from broken glass and feces, but hey...a soccer mom might think it was art.

12/21/05 CHRISTMAS 2005

Season's Greetings from Us!!

12/12/05 Classes or Workshops by Uncle Cranky?

I received this email today...I don't think it's a joke:

"do you offer any workshops or classes?"

Someone actually read through my drunken rants and various uses of vulgar language and thought, "Hey, I wonder if he's an instructor." Well, Hoss...I am now. The following course will soon be available through Texas Union Informal Classes (if you think any of these are absurd, realize that there is currently an informal class called Theme Park Engineering ) :

Introduction to Drinking - This course will cover all the fundamentals of drinking like a pro, and how to avoid turning into a drunken cooze before 11pm.

Advanced Drinking - will cover all the points of Introduction to Drinking in more detail. Essentially, this course exists because the instructor is a booze hound and needs the money.

Your Favorite Band Sucks - Have you ever been at a loss as to how to debate what band is better when it comes down to taste and preference? This class will show you how to act as an elitist when it comes to your preferred selection of bands, and how to verbally trash any opposition. NOTE: Fans of Toby Keith need not apply and should copulate with themselves.

Your Body and You - Hey parents...ready to give your kid the sex talk but too chicken to do it? This class will cover everything your child needs to know in regards to sex, the opposite sex, and freaky sex fetishes. And it's not just for kids! If you ever wanted to know the details regarding a Rusty Trombone or Dirty Sanchez, stick around, Mom and Dad!

DWI, AA and MADD - Did you know that Mothers Against Drunk Drivers is run almost completely by men who make more money than you and who pressure state governments to increase penalties against alcohol consumption just to pad their wallets? Why does Alcoholics Anonymous deny being a religious cult? Come and join the fun as we discuss how the state of Texas partners with these organizations just to make more money off you.

Introduction to Poker Etiquette - Do you like watching Texas Hold 'em on TV? Of course you do! There are plenty of books on the market to help improve your game. But there's not a lot of instruction on how to act when you're at the table. This course will help you present yourself as a worthy opponent without acting like a complete douche by doing things such as quoting the movie "Rounders" or wearing sunglasses to a local tournament. Can one of your friends read your eyes? Of course not! So quit acting like a dumb shit and take this class!

How to Surf for Porn on the Internet - Are you tired of paying too much for porn? Why pay anything at all when there are countless sites that offer sample pictures and videos! If you watch enough short clips, you can pleasure yourself without spending a dime. This course will teach you about newsgroups, and introduce you to all the colorful characters from Bang Bus, Mike's Apartment, Cum Fiesta, Exploited Teens, MILF Hunter, Big and Natural, and many others. Remember...you're not a pervert if you don't pay for it!

Comedy Offensive Driving - The best defense is a good offense. Don't get bullied by pussy minivans, douchebag hummers and cocksuckers in over-sized SUVs. This class will give you the balls to actually use your horn and actually do the speed limit.

Intro to Stand-up Comedy - Would you like to learn how to be a stand-up comedian? Well then...watch it on TV and then go do some open mics! Yeah, you have to work at it! Get all the stage time you can and don't go to a fucking class! You can't learn this from an instructor...you have to find your own voice and develop it on your own. Don't let someone else tell you what's funny!

11/14/05 Did the cops show up at your party on Saturday?

Were you at a keg party in the middle of a small apartment complex in Hyde Park? Were you drinking with college douchebags listening to music blaring from a stereo set up in the laundry room blaring shit music? Hi. I'm the guy that called the cops. Some call me Uncle Cranky. You can call me Captain Buzzkill.

But, why, you're asking...I know, it's crazy. Why would anyone who is a resident of a normally quiet apartment community call the police because he couldn't hear his TV over the retards outside? I mean, just because the party-goers/throwers had no regard for anyone who lived there and had no taste in real music, that's no reason to break up the fun, is it? You're right. That's the not the main reason. You didn't invite everyone there, you fucking morons. If you have a huge party, you have to invite all the residents. Sure, I would have just told you to go fuck yourself, but at least I would have known to sleep at my girl's place. Hell, if I didn't have any alcohol at my place, I might've made an appearance and faked conversations with phrases like "wow, you should totally finish that screenplay", "no, I think an English Lit. major is the way to go" and "Oh I LOVE the Longhorns...go burnt orange or whatever".

But you really know why? Because FUCK YOU, that's why. It meant more to me to possibly get some of you arrested for underage drinking that get free alcohol. Besides...do you really think I get drunk with just anyone? Even someone as motivated by booze as I has standards. I drink with friends who own/rent houses and have neighbors that are cool and/or deaf...people that don't run like little bitches when the cops show up. They say, "Sorry, officer...we'll keep it down", knowing well that they'll be back...but by that time it's 4am and time to find drugs, so they leave.

Anyway...just wanted to give you a half-assed "sorry" and a full-on "Eat a Dick". Oh and tell the birthday girl that lives in my complex that John Fucking Rabon said, "Happy Birthday, you dumb bitch. Your friends suck."

Note: It occured to me after I read this that I failed to mention the laundry room where the music was coming from was right next door to my apartment. AND...I was trying to watch "Police Academy". The original, you fuckers! Don't mess with a classic. The irony here is that all those assholes at the party were born AFTER "Police Academy" came out in 1984. HA!

11/08/05 Sex....it's not just for grown-ups anymore

The people who don't know shit give the worst advice. This sounds like common sense, doesn't it? And yet, who are the loudest voices to teenagers about sex? Religious leaders and parents. Good call.

NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE...what a concept. This was the principle handed down to me growing up Baptist. It doesn't actually say that sex outside of marriage is a sin in the Bible...that's an interpretation. It all stems from the Commandment "Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife". This was put in because, at the time, women were valuable property. To copulate with the wife of a man who paid 3 goats and a donkey for her...well, that's just fucked up. This "law" was then translated to "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery". Preachers then ran with this, and "interpreted" that this means any sex outside of the marriage bed...which is bullshit. Adultery is sex between a married person and another individual. So how did this become a scare tactic for teens?

I know one thing. It works on some girls. I knew of a couple of girls at college who wouldn't have sex at all...but they'd blow you. Hard to imagine how pure you feel pulling a pubic hair out of your mouth. This also means there are some girls out there who only have anal sex...but they keep that vagina intact, don't they? "I'm pure!" "Yeah, but you don't make a noise when you fart now."

Back to my first point...the reason parents and ministers shouldn't give sex advice if they're preaching abstinence is that either A) They have very little experience with it other then with their spouse, or B) They were big whores at one time and have become hypocrites because of church-induced guilt. Let's start with with the first group:

A) No Experience.

If you don't have sex with multiple people, you won't learn new things and grow in skill. If you sleep with just one person for multiple years...it gets BORING. That's when you get into freaky stuff, like extreme bondage. Or worse! You start shitting on each other. If you don't believe, check out amateur fetish porn some time. Old fat ugly married people every goddamn time. Couples either do this or they wait long periods of time to have sex...like twice a year.

SIDE NOTE: I said "extreme bondage" because I understand that some people who are sexually healthy like to get tied up, spanked, choked, etc. Yeah, I'm not talking about you. When bodily functions start appearing in your sex acts, either your sex life is fucking dead or you've got some serious issues. A girl I went out with several years ago asked me to pee on her. I said no...or I said, "Jesus, NO" or something. Besides how gross the concept is, what if it worked? What if after I urinated on her, it got her really hot? "I wanna fuck you now!" "Yeah, I don't think so, lady...you're covered in my pee and that's just icky."

B) Hypocritical Whores

Maybe it's a yin-yang thing, but I'm a former Christian who's become a divorced, bitter foul-mouthed drunk, and there's nothing I hate more than people who were like me now but then became saved...AND judge people. I'm fine with the "finding Jesus and changing your life" shit...but when you start looking down at people who do the things that you used to, it makes me want to smack you like a bitch.

So they say to save yourself for your wedding night...so that it's special. Hey, does anyone remember their first time? How special was it, really? She's in pain...he's done too quickly...Good times! Good thing the honeymoon suite's red, right honey? Guys, maybe it's just me...but would you rather have your new wife lie there awkwardly or have her turn to you and casually say, "Hey, you ever heard of 'the shocker'?"

Here are their arguments against promiscuity:

1) "Your sexual past will hurt your long-term relationship" -- Yeah...if you talk about it in detail, you jackasses. Ladies, you do realize you can have an honest relationship without having to tell your man about the biggest dick that's ever been inside you, right? Guys, don't tell your girl about the best blowjob you've had...and then point her out in the bar.

2) "The risks of pregnancy and STD's" -- Yes, those are some serious risks to young people...thanks to the fine work of the Catholic Church and their birth control stance. Bravo, douchebags! And let's not forget the fine Protestants who make sure kids don't get sex education in school and learn what a goddamn condom is. "Sex education should be up to the child's parents! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to completely ignore my kid going through puberty and then awkwardly give him a book about it so I don't have to say shit. I'd tell him about sex myself but 'Two and a Half Men' is on."

Fine. Do it your own way. Don't come crying to me when you're babysitting your grandkid so that Kaitlyn can go to her fucking prom.

BOTTOMLINE: Do what and who you feel like. Don't curb your behavior because of reputation or judgment...it's your life. Just don't bring bowel movements into it.

11/04/05 My Ears are Bleeding...

I was walking to the Hole in the Wall on Wednesday to see Roger Wallace , and I passed an anti-war rally being held at Mojo's. They had "live music" there, and it got me thinking...If you want to have a successful rally and keep people there, you may want to consider playing something other than bad folk and shitty reggae. Awful.

I don't think anyone actually likes reggae. "John, I like Bob Marley." No you don't. You only think you do because you're fucking high. That's when you get into reggae...you're experimenting with drugs in college and someone puts on Bob Marley, and you think, "Hey, this guy's good." Try listening to it when you're sober. Repetitive and goddamn boring. Hell, when you're stoned, anything sounds good. You could be listening to a slow kid in FFA jerking off a goat and think, "That's got a nice beat to it."

Oh, a side note...The bartender at the Hole told me there was a $5.50 minimum on credit cards...Um, yeah...you don't know me, do you?

10/25/05 I was pretty sure I was playing at the Crazy Lady tomorrow night...

...but according to radio and newspaper ads, it's a guy named Joe Rabon. That guy sucks. Don't be fooled. I'm funny as fuck. Joe Rabon is opening for a hypnotist.

Seriously, you fuck up my first name? A few years ago, it was the second most common name in the world (behind Mohammed). I don't get a whole lot of press in this town...and certainly no name recognition. Sure, I'm recognized on the street occasionally:

"Hey, aren't you that guy with 2 DWI's? You're funny. Earned your 3rd yet?"

"Dude, I saw you on access TV last night. And then I saw some titty!"

"It's time to go...we stopped serving 20 minutes ago, Mr. Blackout."

I can't complain too much. The people in this town that know me and think I'm funny are MY people...They're the ones that get me...they're the ones that showed up last Friday at my birthday get together at Jackalope. You guys rock. Some of you are friends, some are bar friends...but I love you guys.

BTW, that's the only time you'll see me show a sentimental side. So fuck off.

09/26/05 Intelligent Design vs. Evolution

If you don't know what Intelligent Design is, then I suggest you discover Google.

This won't be a long blog entry, because I do not have children. Therefore, this debate over what the little shits are being taught in school doesn't matter to me. I mean, I tried explaining both Evolution and Intelligent Design to my cat, but the only reaction I got was a dirty look as she stopped cleaning her asshole for 5 seconds.

To be honest, I'm a little disappointed in the religious right. These fuckers used to have balls. "The controversial assertion that certain features of the universe and of living things exhibit the characteristics of a product resulting from an intelligent cause or agent?" Used to you guys would yell and scream, "I didn't come from no monkey! I was made by God and Jesus!" At least you believed in something instead of pussifying it to make it more acceptable. LAME.

What bugs me most about this debate is that there are some people on both ends who are treating this like it's the most important aspect of their children's education. IT ISN'T. You know why? Because your kids won't remember a goddamn thing from Science class. They'll probably not even pay attention that day during the lecture. What you should be more concerned about, parents, is the social aspect of public school...who your kid is hanging out with...what pop icon they're going to imitate...what guy is trying to finger-fuck your daughter. Intelligent Design or Evolution is not going to affect your kid's childhood as much as their friend Chad who has access to Mad Dog 20/20 and Speed.

You guys have obviously forgotten what it was like to be a teenager. Quick question: Which came first, the Mesozoic Era or the Paleozoic Era? You don't know, do you? Well, your offspring won't either when they're doing a keg stand during a Freshman party at the 6th college of their choice.

Now...can we debate something important?

09/22/05 Last Night Near UT Campus

Imagine if you will, a frat house...or at least, a regular house with wooden Greek letters on the porch. Also on the porch, there are several 19 or 20 year old college guys in white button up shirts, black slacks and freshly combed hair. They appear to be about to attend some ritual to signify their acceptance into their fraternity. They stand silently and at attention. They appear to be happy...they'll finally have all the friends they paid good money for. They each may even get laid now without the aid of rohypnol.

As they stand and listen to the pledgemaster give his speech, a red compact car driven by a hot redhead slowly passes by. A drunk guy in a cowboy hat leans out the window and yells, "FAGS!" This is immediately followed with loud laughter from inside the car as it accelerates away.

09/20/05 Alright, Conspiracy Theorists...Listen Up

All conspiracies are based on a little bit of truth. There may be even a few out there that are almost completely true. Governments cover scary shit up because contrary to what you believe, the public sometimes shouldn't know certain things. Why? Because the public is pretty fucking stupid and reactionary. I don't condone cover-ups and lying, but I understand why some of it is done.

That being said, you need to know one thing when you're weaving your bullshit. This government that you're talking about...you know, the one that wants to turn us into a police state and have us gunless with no freedoms and bullied by storm troopers? This government (and their "storm troopers") are made up of PEOPLE WITH FAMILIES. These are not evil robots who want to eliminate the human race. These are selfish greedy white people who want A)lots of money, B)to live in an all-white neighborhood, C) family values from 1952 and D) their little rugrat shit kids to become president. They don't want to take your freedom away...they want your money and for upstarts to shut up and not rock the boat. THAT'S FUCKING IT.

I appreciate you, you crazy Libertarians...I really do. Just like I appreciate the ignorant activist college kids who know jack shit about the real world but have a conviction and even conservative older people who care so much about their money than poor people. We need the extremists so that there's a balance. But sometimes, you loony bastards need a kick in the crotch.

Alex Jones, you're first up. You've said some crazy shit before. No, a black helicopter did not follow you home in traffic one day. Noone cares what you do in your compact, and they know where you live already. And I can estimate that about 20-30 percent of what you say is truth, and the rest is bullshit mixed with sensationalism to keep your viewers/listeners. You know what bugs me the most about you, Alex? It's not the fact that you're batshit crazy. It's the fact that you won't let anyone who doesn't agree with you speak. You're rude and you interrupt people. You're just like Bill O'Reilly. You're a douchebag...a crazy, rude douchebag who needs pussy. Badly. If you were as right as you think you are about our government, they would have killed you already. Instead, they hear you and say, "He thinks we worship a big statue of a owl with the Bush family. What's wrong with him?" (google the "Bohemian Club" for more info)

Just keep this stuff in mind, will ya? Bush isn't pure Hitler evil. He's a greedy fuck, just like all politicians. They want your money. They lie, cheat and cover-up so that they can keep taking your money. So weave your little stories, visit your websites full of "facts", and work yourself into a level of paranoia about something you can do very little about.

Me? I'll be over here, drunk as shit. You've got your way of escaping reality, I've got mine.

09/12/05 Dear Woman in SUV w/ Bush 'O4 sticker, doing her hair and makeup while driving in front of me:

Eat a big bowl of dick, will ya?

If karma exists, or if there's a just and loving God, your husband is cheating on you right now and will no doubt leave your ass for a younger, hotter and less annoying woman in the next few years. The entire road does not belong to you and your gas-guzzling box of suck.

In short, as my friend Shannon says, fuck a bunch of you.

P.S. Yes, I do have a case of the Mondays.

09/07/05 They Just Don't Remember/Know What It's Like To Be Poor

Recently, former First Lady Barbara Bush said this about some of the evacuees from New Orleans staying in Texas:

"What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas .Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."

Yeah, pretty fucking stupid. I don't think she meant anything by it. She's not evil...she's just been rich and sheltered her whole life. This is the biggest problem with people that call themselves Republicans. They've either never been poor, or they don't remember what it was like. And they assume that poor people are that way because of their own choices in life, and it's their own fault. This may be the case for some people (like myself...it's my own fault that I'm a broke fuck), but not for all...which is why Republicans will never be able to sell themselves as "compassionate".

I thought about this today at my day job when I went to get my coffee. My job supplies Starbucks coffee with an assortment of creamers. Today, however, they were all out of french vanilla. Holy shit, I was livid. I had completely forgotten about every other job I've had where we had Folger's to drink and powdered creamer (if we were lucky). Instead, I actually said out loud, "No french vanilla? This is bullshit. What am I supposed to do? Drink my Starbucks coffee with fucking hazelnut creamer? I don't think so. This place sucks!"

I am apparently now a right-wing coffee drinker.

08/03/05 No...I don't like Carlos Mencia

That's the answer I give whenever someone asks me what I think of him. If I'm asked this by someone who doesn't know me or a friend of a friend (and they usually ask right after they find out I'm a comedian), I answer, "He's a hell of a perfomer."

This is true. An average show for him is over an hour. Talk to anyone on the staff of the Cap City Comedy Club about how the show was when Mencia was in town, and you'll probably be punched in the face. He performs all the time...he tours constantly. So why do I not like him? Because he steals other comedians' jokes...allegedly.

I've heard from a few of my friends (who are Latino) that they've had a joke or two lifted by Mencia. Can I confirm this? Can it be proven? I don't have the time or energy to do anything more than put an entry in my blog, so fuck off. Let's not focus on that. Let's focus on something that's true.

Carlos Mencia isn't his real name. His real name is Ned Holness. NED. Not very Mexican, is it? That's because he's not Mexican. He's half German, half Honduran. If you check out his bio, it says his dad's name is Roberto Holness. Who the fuck are you trying to kid? How many fucking German white guys have you met named Roberto? Okay, Carlos. Well my name is Juan Rabon. Can I tell "beaner" jokes and use the N-word now?

So naturally, I was a little irritated when I heard he had a show coming on Comedy Central. The show is called "The Mind of Mencia"...it follows the format of the Chappelle Show, which isn't surprising considering Ned's reputation of stealing from other comedians.

The main theme of the show is that Ned/Carlos says whatever is "on his mind". Apparently, what was on his mind on the first part of the show I saw tonight was stupid people. He said that he saw a sign on a store that said, "Open 7 days a week, even Sundays", and then made fun. I've heard this before, but I don't know where. That's fine. What else is stupid, Ned?

He said he had a problem with the Hooked on Phonics people, because their number is 1-800-ABCDEFG. "If you're illiterate, how are you going to call that number?"

That's a funny premise...that everyone who's ever done standup and seen the commercial has written a joke about. And actually, Ned, people who are illiterate can probably match the funny looking symbols to the one on their phone...Just because they can't read doesn't mean they can't discern shapes of letters. And ABCDEFG isn't a fucking word, so you don't actually read it. Bad, tired, old joke.

And then...he actually said out loud one of the most unoriginal, overdone bits ever written by 200 comedians in the 1980's. "I saw another stupid sign in the convenience store. It said, No dogs allowed, except seeing eye dogs. Who is this sign fucking for?!"

I actually mouthed the words "who is this sign for" at the same time as Ned did. Unbelievable. (The sign exists because of douchebags who thought "no pets allowed" meant "keep the blind guy and his mangy mutt out of the store". That's not the point, but I thought I'd comment on it anyway.)

So now you know. What's in the Mind of Mencia? Lots of hacky thoughts he didn't write himself. What's really shitty is that this fuckstick could still have a career being who he really is and making the points he wants to make. He can write jokes. He really is a good performer. Hey, Ned...how about instead of doing a 2 hour show, do a 1 hour show of your own material? You know...like talented professional comedians do.

Oh...and before you accuse me of "player hating", I love Dave Attell's comedy and his Comedy Central show...same with Dave Chappelle. Actually, I respect just about every talented comedian who's been given a shot and their own show. Just because you hate something/someone, doesn't make you jealous. So, eat me.

08/03/05 I'm Moved In...and I'm Armed

Being excited about moving from a house that you owned into an apartment at age 31 is a bit strange. While it appears that I'm doing the exact opposite of everyone else, it's a fresh start. I'm ready to start over.

Oh, and I'm ready to live within a bike ride's distance of a bar. Sweet.

Moving was a bitch, and I have a tiny apartment. Needless to say, there will be a garage sale in the near future. I'll let you fuckers know when.

Speaking of garages, I went through mine to pick through all the crap that had built up there from a marriage and 3 different roommates. I had no idea what I would find going through all the crap stored there.

I found a fucking sword.

"What kind of sword, John? Like a dress sword or a sabre?" No...we're talking By-the-power-of-grey-skull-watch-out-Mr. Frodo-fucking sword. It was sticking out behind the tool cabinet. I saw a black sheath with a gold tip.

The question is...where did it come from? I knew it wasn't Hunter's...he's a knife and gun guy. Shane? I don't think so. Hmmm...Robert used to be in theater...I'm calling Robert.

"Hey Robert, how's it going?"

"Pretty good."

"Cool. Hey, I need you to be honest with me for a second. Did you leave a fucking sword in my garage?"

Silence. After a healthy pause, he asked, "Is it a black sheath?"

My friend Robert asked for clarification on a broad sword. I guess he wanted to make sure that, out of the many, many medieval weapons lying around in my garage, I was referring to his sword. "Yes, it is. Do you want it back?"

He said, "No, that part of my life is over."

It's now under my bed, ready to be wielded in case someone breaks in to my place and I have to let them know that "there can be only one."

07/08/05 Fuck Tom Cruise/Scientology

Penny requested: "Please write a blog/rant about how stupid Tom Cruise is!"

Thank you for the suggestion, Penny. The thing is, I don't think Cruise is really stupid. He's fucking crazy. I support the theory that he used to be on medication and has stopped taking it the past few years when he actually started believing in Scientology.

Meh...I really don't care about Tom Cruise. Anyone who follows celebrities' personal lives closely do so to fill the void in their own sad existence. But I do agree that he's an annoying prick that is destroying his career. Hopefully more people will become as annoyed of Tom and then become so bored with his retarded behavior that he's ignored completely...you know, like Adrian Zmed (see imdb.com ). For more on Tom, check out TomCruiseIsNuts.com.

What bothers me more is all the publicity Scientology is getting right now. Jesus, what an annoying religion. The conservative in me wants to call it a deceitful cult that robs money from gullible people. The liberal in me thinks that all religions are just as dumb and that whatever people believe is okay as long as it doesn't infringe on anyone else's rights. Yeah? Well, the Uncle Cranky in me doesn't give a shit what religion you want to believe in...as long as it isn't Scientology or the Church of Mormon.

Mormons : Joseph Smith claims he finds the more important book of God who hid it...in the state of New York. Really? Really? And then, after being run out of several places, Smith and his people find the promised land...next to a dead lake full of brine shrimp. That's right. Moses gave the chosen people manna from Heaven. Joseph Smith gave his followers fucking sea monkeys.

Hey, did you know Mormons believe that God, or Elohim as they call him, physically had sex with Mary to conceive Jesus? The Church of Latter-Day Saints backs away from this theology so that they can convert more followers. If you think about it...God coming down from heaven and taking a human form to inpregnate Mary is more believable than a baby coming from nowhere. Yeah, but if you're going to go there, you might as well just say that Elohim was actually the next-door neighbor of Mary and Joseph. "It's God's baby." Yeah. Okay. Before you judge Joseph, keep in mind how stupid guys really are.

Scientology : There is a lot about this religion that I and you don't know about. Why? Because it's boring to read about. Shit, at least the rise of Christianity and Islam has some blood baths attached to them...All the Church of Scientology has done is ripped off millions of dollars from saps and put "Dharma and Greg" on the air for a few years (fuck you, Jenna Elfman, you talentless cooch).

I tell you what I do know about Scientology. It was created by a science fiction writer named Lafayette Ronald Hubbard. Shit. No wonder he goes by L. Ron.

You may have heard that Scientology was started because of a bet between him and another science fiction writer...doing research, I can't find a consistent story. However, I have seen quotes by the following writers who have heard Hubbard mention that he needed to start a religion to make some real money:

Neison Himmel, Sam Merwin, Sam Moskowitz, Theodore Sturgeon, Lloyd Arthur Eshbach, and Harlan Ellison. I bet there's more. And I bet at least one was telling the truth.

But you know what? You can look into all the concepts of Scientology, and you can argue about how Lafayette (that's what I'll call him because it's faggy) actually created his religion and how credible it is...and none of it matters. You want to know why? Hubbard's book "A History of Man" claims we evolved from clams. CLAMS.

Game over. The end. Go to your local Dianetics center and yell, "CLAMS? BAHAHAHAHA, RETARDS!"

Alright. I'm drunk, and I'm tired of reading about this asshole. Shit, why didn't Hunter S. Thompson start a religion?

06/28/05 I am Jack's Ball of Festering Irritation

I've been approved for an apartment which I'll be moving into in a month. Those of you who know me pretty well have been surprised about this since I've owned a house for 5 years. Well, this money-pit can eat a dick...I'm letting the bank take it back. After having to explain my reasons to every single person I talk to about this (it's a shitty house, my credit's already fucked, there's more to life than money), I've decided to just answer everyone with quotes from Tyler Durden:

Them: "You can't just give up the house! That's equity!"

Me: "The things you own end up owning you."

Them: "But it'll ruin your credit for years!"

Me: "Its not until you lose everything that you are free to do anything."

Them: "Come on, John...at least try to sell it. Are you going to rent the rest of your life?"

Me: "Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing."

Them: "Are you even listening to what I'm saying anymore?"

Me: "Did you know that if you mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm?"

06/25/05 Week in Review

Here's a few thought/gripes/points for this week that I was unable to convert into a full-blown blog entry:

-- You can't wait 3 months to tell a douchebag not to touch your girl again (he did one of those walk-by gropes at a live show like it was an accident...there was no one around her, so the whole "it was crowded" argument is retarded). Also, you shouldn't do it when you're so drunk they have no idea what you're saying. Keep this in mind...if you piss me off, you'll find yourself confused as to why I'm angry three months later. That's how I roll, bitches.

-- Hey, poker players: There's no one in Austin that plays poker so well they can read your eyes and take your money...especially when you're playing for free in a bar. Take the goddamn sunglasses off, Hellmuth...you look like a fucking idiot.

Also, reading a book or two on poker does not make you an expert. Everyone else has read them, too. So shut your pie-hole. If you knew as much as you pretended you did, you wouldn't have a day job. You'd be a professional.

-- Did you know that Oliver Stone likes to pay prostitutes to shit on his chest? Think about that the next time you see one of his movies that make you think, "Why does Stone make crappy films like these?" He's shitting on you. It's called "transference".

-- To the dude without a lawnmower who offered to mow my lawn: If I had a mower for you to use, do you think my grass would look the way it does? If I had money to pay someone to mow my lawn, do you think I'd go a year without having the grass cut? Did you waste your time knocking on my door? The answer to these questions is "no".

-- I am addicted to "CSI" and "Law and Order". All of them. The plus side of this is that I now have something to talk about with my mom and her husband during inevitable conversation lulls.

-- Speaking of my mother, here was probably her prayer request list this week:

John needs to find an apartment

John needs to find a better job

John needs to find Jesus

The Spurs need to win

06/14/05 Question for the Chick Releasing the Doves During the M.J. Acquittal

So you released a dove for every "not guilty" verdict.

What was the plan if Michael was found guilty on one or more of the charges? Break the neck of the dove and hold it mournfully as if to say, "The jury killed this creature"? Maybe bite the head off Ozzy-style and throw the body in the crowd like a grenade?

Oh, and now that it's over, what are you going to do with your life now that you're evicted and jobless? Go camp in front of his mansion? You M.J. nuts are like Deadheads...only without the drugs or sex. That's pretty fucking lame.

06/09/05 Ring Ring

"Hello, this is Pam with National City Mortgage. Could I speak to John Rabbin please?"

"Rabon."

"Hello Mr. Rabon. We're calling in regards to your May mortgage payment that is past due."

"Yeah well...it's been a rough day, you know? I'm trying to get my brother out of jail, and the only way I can do it is to jump through hoops for this mother fucker who works for the government. He's really an asshole. I've spent hours trying to learn how to fly a Stuka so that I can do some impossible mission that I know will probably send me to the hospital...AGAIN. I mean, a Stuka, for chrissakes...What's a badass brotha from Grove Street doing in a WW II plane anyway? And why is this necessary to continue my progress in the game?"

"Uhhh...sir?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I really get into it when I'm on the PS2. What were you saying?"

"We're calling in regards to your mortgage payment."

"Well, there must be some mistake. I haven't sent you one." =click=

06/08/05 I've never fantasized about Karen Carpenter

I haven't. No, really.

I saw another goddamn picture of Lindsey Lohan with Nicole Ritchie...Wow. I bet you I weigh more than both of them combined. I don't know if it's an eating disorder, cocaine diet, or both, but it ain't healthy. Not that I care if either of them die tomorrow, mind you. The thought of there not being another season of "the Simple Life" or a Herbie sequel actually gets me wet.

Where are these actors and/or their agents getting the idea that this is what people think is sexy? Thora Birch was hot in "American Beauty"...Christina Ricci was too in "Buffalo 66" and "The Opposite of Sex". Then they both lost weight. Nooooooo!!!!

Jesus, ladies...watching you arrive on the red carpet at award shows reminds me of stock footage of World War II concentration camps. Who's going to start being your stunt doubles in movies? 9 year old sweatshop workers? I see stunt doubles doing most of you're acting for you too...It would be too much of a financial risk to allow you to walk across the room without assistance. You might break a fucking hip.

Give me ass. Give me titty. Hips. Give me some curves that not created by the shape of bones. Betty Page. Marilyn Monroe. The 50's pinup. These are real women.

Guys make fun of their friends when they get drunk and take a fat girl home. I would rather take a big girl home than Twiggy any day…because big girls know how to fuck. And when you are having sex, you do not have to stop every 30 seconds and ask if you broke their hip. Also, big women will probably suck your cock. You think an anorexic bitch is going to blow you? They don't even put FOOD in their mouths!

06/04/05 A motorcycle does not make you cool.

ROT Rally this weekend has reminded me that motorcycles are like tattoos and piercings...just because you have them does not make you cool. Just a bunch of weekend warrior white collar pussies who hauled their bikes on a trailer to their hotel and then road downtown like they've been on the road for hours who will probably complain after a few hours that their leather chaps are chafing. Then these douchebags congregate together and circle-jerk while talking about the bikes.

Ah, don't listen to me. I must be jealous. That's it. I'm completely out of order, Dad. You really are cool.

05/26/05 Dear Mister Jesus...Kill Steve Jobs

Please Lord, can I go one day without hearing someone mention the word "iPod"? I know I used to work for Apple and I even own one myself (which I didn't pay full price for), but goddamn it (no offense, Lord), for a personal music station, people sure are vocal about their toys. I mean, it's supposed to be just you listening to your music in a convenient format, but people use it as a status symbol...just like a designer purse or a fucking Hummer. It's to the point that when I see a white pair of earphones I have to fight the urge to punch that person in the throat.

It's not enough these trendy bastards and celebrities have to show off their iPods, but they certainly do prattle on about them, don't they?

"Look what I have...isn't it cool? I've got every single song I own on this little thing! It's so small! I can plug it in to my car stereo AND my home stereo? Don't I rock? Do you have an input jack in your stereo? We could listen to my music collection."

Thank you, Apple. Thank you for not just laying me off from a high-paying job, but also for creating a device that makes it convenient for douchebags to share their horrible taste with everyone around them. Used to they would have to hand you a CD or tape and you could see that it was Avril Lavigne or Pink and say, "Hey, fuck you, I'm not playing that."

Now? They're bringing their entire collections over and playing a "random" setting. Ooooh, sweet! Will it be the Doobie Brothers or Staind? What decade will the suck-ass band that plays next be from? I can't wait!

So, I'm begging you, Lord. Stop the torture. I don't need to keep seeing and hearing about the fucking iPod. Can you help a guy out? Can you take Steve Jobs in his sleep or have him choke to death on his own spit while he's yelling at some poor Apple/Pixar employee for not being perfect? Maybe they'd stop their iPod campaigning for like a day and I can have a little peace...well, as much peace as you can have with a Bush in the White House.

Your fan,

Little Johnny Rabon

P.S. Sorry I don't believe that you exist. You understand, right?

05/22/05 Hey, John...are you going to see the new Star Wars movie?

No. Here's why:

1) The only reason I liked the original trilogy was because of Han Solo. I'm into the whole space outlaw thing, I guess. Han rules. The Sith can be as revenge-y as he wants. I could give a fuck.

2) George Lucas is a horrible writer and director. His writing is about a step above the "Sweet Valley High" series. And he sucks some major marketing cock. He is a whore. A stinky, diseased-ridden skank.

3)Joss Whedon's series "Firefly" and upcoming feature, "Serenity". Wow. Watching Whedon's vision of sci fi with quality writing and then going back to Star Wars is alot like seeing the Lord of the Rings trilogy and then trying to sit through the battle scenes in "Gladiator". You can't help but gut laugh.

4) Because you people won't shut up about it. Jesus, leave me alone.

And some of you fans...Good Lord. I've heard some of you talk about how long you waited in line to see the first showing of the movie. I can understand 1-2 hours if you're a fan. But camping out overnight? Christ, I wouldn't wait overnight in a line if they were giving out pussy and beer. I'd buy a six pack and jerk off at home. You guys are insane.

05/17/05 Two Questions for Lindsey Lohan

Question .. 1: Why won't you eat a goddamn sandwich? You realize of course that it appears you've recently lost 20-30 pounds I'm guessing based on the last picture I've seen of you? That's a lot of fucking baby fat, Karen Carpenter. Maybe you're not as healthy as you think you are. You look like someone put a surgical glove over a mic stand. I know I can't be the only fan of curvy women.

Question .. 2: Who the fuck are you again? You're famous for a reason, right? I know you're in an upcoming Herbie movie which I'm sure will be worthy of mentioning on an episode of "Inside the Actor's Studio" one day. I went to IMDB and stared blankly at your filmography. Still don't know where you came from and why you're big shit.

On second thought, never mind about question 1. Starve yourself to death, I don't care. Maybe the world will be better off without "Mean Girls II".

05/02/05 Did you just bring a baby into my bar?

I did not go to Eeyore's Birthday Party. I don't need to make up a dumbass holiday to abuse drugs. I do that daily...I don't wait for an imaginary donkey to grow a year older in the mind of a hippie.

Instead, my girl and I went to the Pecan Street Festival...not because we like eating crap on a stick or shopping for trinkets made in a trailer, but because we enjoy people watching. Plus, we knew we could go into one of our favorite bars when we were bored making fun of the squares since we were downtown.

The boredom his after we were downtown for 10 minutes. Surprise, surprise.

So we sat on the side of the bar so we could still see out the doorway (for entertainment value) and drank our Lone Stars. No shocker here...the bar was filled with tourists and douchebags, all taking a break from the sun and/or the shitty goods on sale outside. Hey, whatever...more money for my barstaff friends. I want my bars to make money and stay open.

All of the sudden, I heard this noise behind me. It was a steady high piercing noise that I usually only hear in grocery stores and fucking Wal-Mart. Could that be a...no, there's no way. I turned around. Yep. It was a goddamn baby. IN MY BAR!!!

The 4 main reasons to hang out in a bar are to get drunk, to hang out with friends, to get laid and to go someplace where there's no fucking kids!

So, I did what I tend to do when I hear a crying baby...I gave the little fucker the stink eye. I shot a glance at the mom, who looked drunk. Idiot. I shifted my irritation towards daddy, and I saw something in his eyes that looked uncomfortably familiar. He looked dead on the inside...very unhappy. It reminded me of the end of my marriage. Wow...poor bastard.

The man was at a loss as to why the baby kept crying. I wanted to go up to him and say, "Gee, dude...I don't know why she's unhappy. Maybe the cigarette smoke in here is burning her eyes. Or maybe that loud-ass AC/DC tune playing right now has her on tilt...she's probably a Brian Johnson girl, not a Bon Scott buff. Hey, here's a thought. GET HER THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Thanks. And buddy? Get out while you still can."

03/14/05 Screw You...We're From Texas...and Nobody Gives a Shit

I love this state. I have a Texas tattoo, for fuck's sake. I am, however a balanced-thinking Texan. Texas was once its own country (for about a day) and our state's history, culture and resources give us some bragging rights. And we use them. ALOT. It annoys everyone.

Most people who vacation overseas say they're from America. We say we're from Texas (although now thanks to Bush, you should probably say you're from Canada to avoid excrement content in your food). I'm not saying you shouldn't have pride for your state...just realize no one outside of Texas cares.

I'm proud to be a Texan. The problem is when people here become delusional in their love and pride for the Lone Star State. A good example of this is a song called "Screw You, We're From Texas" by Ray Wylie Hubbard. Rather that bitch and moan about how his music is not my cup of tea and how much I hate this song, I thought I'd list the lyrics of the song and provide a little commentary.

I got on my cowboy boots, jeans

And Hawaiian shirt, mirrored sunglasses

And a mobile phone

I guess I look like some Port Aransas

Dope dealer that's out on bail

Just trying to get home

Actually, it sounds like you dress like Jimmy Buffet and Jerry Jeff Walker...OLD. (Okay, that was just me being mean...the song hasn't taken a bad turn yet)

Well I ain't in jail and I got a guitar,

Got a little band that's hotter than a rocket

Sometimes we're sloppy,

We're always loud, tonight we're just ornery

And locked in the pocket

On paper, he's doing well so far. However, if you've heard the song or Hubbard's music at all, then you're probably aware that "hotter than a rocket" is not a very accurate description. I'd use "kind of sits there and is sometimes poetic", but hey, different strokes, hoss.

So screw you, we're from Texas

We're from Texas baby, so screw you!

What ever happened to "Fuck you"? How can you be a badass by saying "screw"? If you're truly wanting to be a rebel, have faith your song will sell itself...don't pussy it up for radio and soccer moms.

Now I love the USA

(That's good to know. Thanks)

And the other states they're OK

(I'm sure they're happy you don't think they suck)

Texas is the place I wanna be and

I don't care if I ever go to Delaware anyway

(Just out of curiosity, Ray, can you find Delaware on a fucking map?)

Cause we got Stubbs, Gruene Hall and Antone's, and John T's Country Store

(Antone's...home of white blues for white people)

We've got Willie and Jacky Jack, Robert Earl, Pat, Cory, Charlie and me

And so many more.

Willie Nelson name drop...that's essential, sure. Question, Mr. Hubbard: What's the big fucking idea of mentioning Pat Green and Cory Morrow but not Waylon Jennings? What kind of cowboy poet are you that you can list these frat guy favorites and not mention any country legends like Johnny Bush, Don Walser, Alvin Crow...I mean, Ray Price or George Jones, anyone?

(insert the same "catchy" chorus here)

Now Texas has gotten a bad reputation,

(Noooooo....really?)

Cause of what happened in Dallas and Waco

The irony here is I bet you this bullshit song has turned off more people from Texans and this state than the memory of Kennedy's assassination.

Our corporations well they are corrupt

And our politicians are swindlers and loco

You see, what he's doing here is trying to sound even balanced by mentioning some negative aspects of Texas. So what does he choose? Our attitudes? Shitty presidents who come from here? Kinda...CORPORATIONS and POLITICIANS. Right. Because only we have lying greedy ones...noone else. Way to relate, Ray.

But when it comes to music my friend,

These words are as true as St. John the Revelator

So this next sentence is as true as the book of Revelations, which is a collection of prophecies that haven't occured yet, and were written by a senile exiled disciple in his old age. Way to give your words creditibilty.

Our Mr. Vaughan was the best there ever was And no band was cooler than The 13th Floor Elevators.

Okay, now I'm just pissed off. Stevie Ray Vaughn...the best there ever was? Are you fucking kidding me? Ever heard of a guy named Jimi Hendrix, you jackass? He was only STEVIE'S IDOL. Stevie was an awesome guitar player. But let's not build him up higher than Jimi just because he was born here.

And the 13th Floor Elevators? Wow. Do you really think that highly of this exceptional 60's garage psychedelic band, or were they the only band you could find to rhyme with a derivitive word of Revelations? Because if you've got an hour or two, I could list you hundreds of bands as cool or cooler. Of course, this is a man who wears a hawaiian shirt on a regular basis. So I'm not surprised.

You know what does surprise me? The fact that you found room for the 13th Floor Elevators in your song (I like them, btw), but you failed to make room for:

Doug Sahm

Waylon Fucking Jennings (worth mentioning twice, you dick)

BUDDY HOLLY (you really suck, Ray Wylie)

JANIS JOPLIN (are you serious, Ray? You forgot Janis?)

Steve Earle

George Jones

Ray Price

Johnny Bush

Kris Kristofferson (who's a much better writer than you)

Lyle Lovett

Buck Owens (he had a song covered by the Beatles, Hubbard. Bow and worship the streets of Bakersfield!)

Charlie Pride

Billy Jo Shaver

Hank Thompson

George Strait

Don Walser

And many more, as you said in your "song". Fuck you, Ray, We're from Texas...and other people are from other places. And guess what...everyone who is the best at what they do are not all from here. I hope you can sleep at night. Schmuck.

01/25/05 God, Your Phone Sucks

Seriously, are you going to leave that default ring tone on your cell phone? Really? And at full volume, too? Awesome.

Oh, no...I don't mind that you have your phone on during my show. It's one of my favorite things. I can respect that you have to be available 24 hours a day to your dumb shit friends. No, go ahead answer it. Yeah, fuck whispering, my friend. Talk out loud so everyone else can share in the joy that is your communication skills.

Quick question? Is that a pretty fancy phone? It looks expensive. Daddy was good to you. It takes pictures? Rock! Now you can take a photo of something you can see and then look at it in your phone. Ooh look! There's that thing that's just right there! Kick ass!

Hey, here's an idea. Get a Nextel phone. It has a walkie-talkie feature. That way, we can all hear the other person talking as well. I'd get a phone with this feature, but I'm not playing with a friend in a fucking treehouse. And I'm not 8.

(Beep)"Hey, man, what are you doing?"

"Nothing much, just being an inconsiderate douchebag. What's up?"

(Beep)"Same here. Hey, let's annoy everyone and have a meaningless discussion at length."

"Yeah!"

BTW, does your phone allow you to text message and do instant messager? Wow, I love that. I love taking a 30 second conversation and turning it into a finger-cramping 2 minutes. Woohoo!

Alright, I'll let you go. I see you're about to get in your car and start driving in a reckless manner since you won't use the headset that came with the phone. I'm so glad that even though you're as dangerous as a drunk driver, there's no punishment for people like you who talk on the phone in heavy traffic. That would just suck. Don't crash! Bye!

01/05/05 I have never been booed by 70,000 people

"Who is buying this shit? Is there that much babysitting money being passed around right now?" -- Bill Hicks

Last night, Ass-lee Simpson shot herself in the other foot with her most entertaining performance ever during the Orange Bowl halftime "show". At least we now know why she lip-synced previously on live programs. The entire stadium booed her. WOW. I have no idea what that feels like. I bet it's pretty shitty.

Guess what? It doesn't change that her album is still in the Billboard 100 top albums and has been for 23 weeks. So I'm not feeling sorry for her at all. I hope she feels like a talentless sibling of a mediocre celebrity...mainly because I and a bunch of my friends are broke, and these teen pop fucksticks are making bank.

I realize it's always been this way. But what I love about this whole Ashlee Simpson thing is that last night she proved what those of us have been saying for years...money does not equal talent. You've heard the "argument".

"Goddamn, I hate Avril Lavigne. She's a corporate-created retard in tight pants."

"Yeah, but she makes more money than you."

"Eat a dick."

All the albums Ashlee (nice spelling...her parents must be douchebags) has sold couldn't save her from quite possibly the most humiliating live performance of our time. I will put out a request. If anyone can burn that halftime show to a DVD, I will pay money for it...because the next time I have a bad show where noone is laughing and I leave the stage to half-ass applause, I want to be able to pop that in and say, "Wow, I have never been booed by 70,000 people."

12/31/04 - 10 Years of Legalized Drinking

I'm 31 years old, and I started thinking about how I've changed since I started drinking like the law abiding citizen I used to be:

(1)

Friend: "Hey, wanna a shot of jager?"

Me (21): "Fuck yeah!"

Me (31): "Fuck you."

(2)

Friend: "Are you going out tonight?"

Me (21): "Of course! It's Friday!"

Me (31): "Of course! It's Tuesday!"

(3)

Me (21): "I drive better when I'm drunk!"

Me (31): "If I get a 3rd DWI I'm going to prison. I'm taking the bus."

(4)

Me (21): "Let's go to 6th Street!"

Me (31): "Let's go to Cucaracha/Jackalope, which is unfortunately on 6th Street."

(5)

Friend: "Hey, I think that girl likes you."

Me (21): "Sweet. She is hot!"

Me (31): "Isn't she 18? Ugh...I don't think I can talk about Ashlee Simpson that long. Think I'll go home and jerk off instead."

(6)

Me (21): "Buy you a drink?"

Me (31): "Buy me a drink?"

(7)

To the door guy of a strip club:

Me (21): "How much is cover? Badass!"

Me (31): "How much to look at titty for 10 minutes before I get bored and want to shoot myself?"

12/21/04 Fast Food/Restaurant Slogan Translation

Taco Bell - "Think Outside the Bun." Translation: "Bad food can come in other forms than burgers...have a taco."

Burger King - "Have it your way." Translation: "We're pretending that you have more options when you eat here, but the fact is that every other place will hold the onions if you ask them."

Jack in the Box - "We won't make it until you order it." Translation: "Hot shit-on-a-stick is better than luke-warm shit-on-a-stick."

KFC - "There's Fast Food...Then There's KFC!" Translation: "Please keep up your perception that low quality fried chicken is somehow better than any other low quality food."

McDonald's - "I'm lovin' it." Translation: "We need more black people to eat here."

Chili's - "Like no place else." Translation: "Like every other place."

Hooters - "Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined." Translation: "We settle all our lawsuits to keep bringing you titty."

Olive Garden - "When you're here, you're family." Translation: "When you're here, you're an American consumer."

12/14/04 – Merry Christmas 2004

Here's our annual Christmas letter and photos! Enjoy!

12/02/04 - Argument with the Woman at the Customer Service Desk in Randall's

Me: Hi, I need to get a $60 money order.

Randall's Employee: Okay, will that be all?

Me: Yes. I'm going to use my card.

Randall's Employee: Oh, I'm sorry, we can't take credit cards for money order purchases.

Me: Oh, I understand. I'm using a debit card.

Randall's Employee: I'm sorry, sir. We can't accept them.

Me: I believe you're mistaken. While you can't purchase money orders on credit, you CAN use a debit card because that's the same as having cash.

Randall's Employee: No, I'm sorry, we can't.

Me: But I've done it here before.

Randall's Employee: I'm sorry, sir. We have an ATM over there.

Me: But it's a Bank of America ATM...It'll cost me like $4...Eh, never mind. Can I get a pack of Marlboro Reds?

Randall's Employee: Certainly, sir. (rings up smokes)

Me: I'm going to pay with my debit card. I can do that, right?

Randall's Employee: Yes. Would you like cash back?

Me: Yeah....$60.

Randall's Employee: Here you go.

Me: Thank you.

(pause)

I'd like a money order, please.

11/23/04 - Open Letter to the Owners of Lovejoy's

Dear Sir, Ma'am or both:

I've been drinking at your establishment for over 7 years. I am not your typical 6th street patron, as I do not wear polo shirts, cargo shorts or sandals, and I do not try to feed cheap shots to underage girls in an attempt to avoid another night of masturbation. No, I am a professional drinker who can appreciate a watering hole that has:

1)good beer

2)good bartenders

3)pleasant atmosphere (decor, jukebox, other bar patrons)

4)decent bathrooms that allow an individual like myself the option to take a deuce should my beverage of choice clash with the chili cheese fries I ate earlier

I've had many great nights in your bar, some of which were transcribed to me later as I didn't remember them. Your place has always been an excellent brewpub...your porters are unmatched.

That being said, let me also add that everything great about your bar has nothing to do with anything that you've done. The only positive thing you contribute to your bar is keeping it open. I am fully convinced that any decisions that you make regarding your bar are not only bad ones, but also ones done by someone not in touch with their regular clientele.

Let's start with your decision a while back to have only sports play on the TV. No more Simpsons, King of the Hill or Adult Swim. Nah, people want to see sport-related programming even when there's not a game on. [sarcasm] I know when I'm sipping on a pint, nothing pleases me more than staring at Tom Arnold's fat fucking melon on the TV.[/sarcasm]

ESPN? Are you insane? Who the fuck goes to a bar to watch TV anyway? Have you ever looked at the people who have been drinking there for the past several years? Do we look like domestic-swigging frat boys who want to root for our favorite football/baseball/basketball/circle-jerk teams? Do you really need to sell that much more Miller Lite?

No matter. I was prepared to just put that decision next to the other annoying thing with your place...the "art" on the wall. I'm sure the "artist" who took the photographs of naked people in public or painted Satan having gay sex with some guy love the support. Shocking! Rebellious. BORING. No matter. I'll ignore it and go back to drinking and socializing.

But you weren't done, were you? No no...you installed an ionizer (or smoke-eater). These devices are beneficial in bars with poor ventilation where even smokers like myself say, "FUCK ME! Open a window! Crap!" However, Lovejoy's is not one of these places. The smoke level in your bar has always been acceptible. Now, however, you've replaced the smell of cigarette smoke with the smell of O3 from your ionizer, which has a metallic ass smell. Perfect. Why not make your bar non-smoking so we can smell nothing but body odor, vomit and bleach as well? That's why a smoky bar is popular, geniuses. We can't smell the funk of the rum-soaked prick next to us.

Finally, you pushed me past the breaking point when you fired most of your bar staff. And for good reason, too. I mean, why would you want bartenders who bust their ass to make you money, and at the same time, make the bar patrons feel so comfortable and satisfied that they come back often?

There's no good explanation why you fired multiple people...some of which have been there for a long time.

Are you trying to move Lovejoy's in a new direction and you wanted a fresh start? Well, I hope you got what you wanted, because your bar sucks now. If you want to make your bar more appealing to douchebags, I won't stand in your way. You'll just get no more money from me. I know of several other regulars who stopped going as well. We all would rather hang out with your former bartenders down at Casino El Camino or Jackalope/Cucaracha.

I understand that bars and clubs change. Believe me, I get it. I've seen it happen. This is different, though. Usually bars change when they want to generate more money because business is sucking. Your business was not shitty. Every weekend, there's a line at the door to get into your bar at some point.

I gave your bar one more shot a few weeks ago, because I really wanted one of your house beers. Wow. You've gone downhill already. Loud, drunk fucks surrounded me. A stranger handed me the beer I ordered. The ionizer was working full time to smell like shit. Hey, there's Jim Rome on the TV! Yay! Fuck Jim Rome! Oooh, look at the pretentious art on the wall. A photograph of a naked hippie looking pensive could be yours for just $85.

I tried to block it all out and took a sip of the porter in front of me...and it wasn't good. I couldn't even finish it. Do I think you changed the quality of the beer or the blend? No, I don't. I think that no beer in the world will taste good in an unwelcomed pit of hell. It'd be like attempting to eat the world's greatest filet mignon...but doing it in a Golden Corral amidst disoriented, slow senior citizens and loud, shitty children. It's just not going to be good.

Updates, Gripes and Random Shit Archives

I don't care if I ever go to Delaware anyway

So, in short, let me just say FUCK YOU. Fuck you very much.