JohnRabon.com:Updates, Gripes and Random Shit

Updates, Gripes and Random Shit Archives

Random Shit

http://vancouver.24hrs.ca/Entertainment/2006/04/05/1520358-sun.html

"It sounds like an old April Fool's joke, but reports indicate that socialite Paris Hilton will be offered the role of Mother Teresa in an upcoming film.

"Indian filmmaker T. Rajeevnath wants the House of Wax star to play the late humanitarian in a movie biography he is planning."

Yes, I'm as shocked as you are...until I figured out that this is just an elaborate scheme Rajeevnath came up with to fuck Paris Hilton. I can't think of any other reason why he thinks this is a good match. "Alright, here's the deal. We're doing a movie about Rosa Parks." "Who do you want to play Rosa?" "David Allan Coe."

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You can find me drinking most times at Jackalope/Cucaracha. The "Cucaracha" portion of the bar is in the back...outside where you can smoke. The downside of this is that the frat bar Mooseknuckle has a door connected to Cucaracha so those douchebags can smoke too. That's a wise decision...let's have a back door exit for drunken meatheads so they can mingle with hardcore punks.

A drinking acquaintance of mine, Butch, described the situation like this: "Hey, you ever play that game Gauntlet? You know how there are those boxes that generate a neverending amount of ghosts/goblins until you destroy it? That's what that doorway to Mooseknuckle is. A dickhead generator.

"Punk Rocker needs booze, badly."

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The upside of TABC busting people in bars for drinking is that 9 times out of 10, the people they're going to bust are assholes I don't like. I figured this out because I honestly don't see some TABC narc infiltrating the places that I drink successfully. Really...a square in a crew cut is going to blend in a punk bar? That would be interesting to see...a water-drinking douche in a Blink 182 t-shirt saying, "Hey, I sure do like the punk rock!"

The downside is, as pointed out by my friend Russell , is that if they start fucking with other bars, those patrons are going to scatter and go to others...which means more of the previously-mentioned Mooseknuckle shit-buckets infiltrating my space. Goddamn, we need to kick TABC in the taint.

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My girl and I have recently done something I haven't done in a long time: exercise. Specifically, we played tennis.

Okay, stop laughing, assholes.

Steph hasn't played since she was 10. I played in high school. That was, of course, before I smoked and drank for 10+ years. Imagine two hungover rockstars in jeans sweating alcohol and wheezing while playing goddamn tennis. Yeah, it's pretty funny.

Good exercise, though. You hit the ball, cuss, then go chase it because you really really suck. I wore a pair of Nike's I've owned for 12 years that have been in my truck for the past 3. You know what happens to shitty shoes that bake in the Texas sun for multiple years? They fall apart. You then find yourself in Nike socks, essentially.

04/02/06 A Bit of Advice

If you're a little white emo prick in glasses, you're watching a show in a goth/punk bar like Elysium and a drunk and irritable comedian in a black cowboy hat and shirt is onstage performing, you might not want to heckle him with fake laughter just because you didn't like a joke. He might jump off the stage, get right in your face and threaten to beat your ass if you don't shut up or leave. It's not a good situation to be in...especially when your friends are embarrassed to be sitting with you because they were actually enjoying the show and the entire audience is applauding/encouraging the comedian to continue to harass you.

"You think I'm afraid I won't get to perform at Elysium again because I kicked a four-eyed cocksucker's ass? COME ON!"

To be fair, my set went really well after that point. I guess I should thank the guy. Thanks, dick. Sorry I made you pee yourself.

Actually, something tells me he was more scared of Hunter, who was standing right behind me glaring at him.

03/28/06 Should Have Known...

When you go see Doug Stanhope perform, you'll notice one of his points is that while you get older the bar stays 22. Your friends will drop off and quit coming out...and he told everyone at the show to go ahead and call in sick the next day and enjoy themselves. Essentially, don't let your friend be the only 39 year old in the bar. Now, when you hear that, and then after the show Doug says, "Hey, if we ever get paid we're going to drink at Casino", no response sounds dumber than, "Sorry, I have to work tomorrow." Actually, my exact response was, "I can't, I have to wo--goddammit. Fine."

I'm tired...I've drank for 4 straight days now...I've smoked way too many cigarettes...I have no more money to fuck around with...

Fucking A'...

03/22/06 Just to clarify...

Something came up in a conversation with a friend when I was bitching about South-By Southwest and how much I was glad it was over. I think my complaining about SXSW gives people the impression that I think they should have it somewhere else or not have it here at all.

So let me be clear: I'm not saying, "Don't have a bullshit music festival that exploits bands who don't get paid, makes a shitload of money for the founders of the festival and pays a very little amount to people who work their ass off in a slave labor-type of way just to give rich people something to do and to hobnob with celebrities." I'm saying that it IS a bullshit music festival that exploits bands who don't get paid, makes a shitload of money for the founders of the festival and pays a very little amount to people who work their ass off in a slave labor-type of way just to give rich people something to do and to hobnob with celebrities.

Just so we're clear.

03/19/06 Dear Girl In Grey Shirt With Nice Rack at Beck's Yesterday

Thanks for enjoying Roger Wallace's music so much that you bounced up and down. That was fucking awesome.

Signed,

Every Straight Guy at the Show

03/09/06 Shit...It's That Time

If anyone knows where I can get a laminated badge made, please let me know. I completely forgot to get this done in time, but I wanted to get a bunch of badges made with the South-By-Southwest font that say, "Fuck You, I Live Here."

Yes, SXSW is back again. It's time to prepare yourself to say "Who the fuck are all these people" repeatedly. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do what I did last year...find a place that serves booze that the tourists haven't gotten wind of and barricade myself inside. Either that or I'll hang out at Casino El Camino or Cucaracha and watch the clueless ass monkeys flash their badges and get shitty service just for doing so.

03/04/06 For Those Who Tried Out For Last Comic Standing...

My boss at my day job convinced me that sitting in line at Cap City was better than answering the phones talking to douchebags. However, what she didn't realize is there would be plenty of douchebags sitting in line that I would have to talk to face to face. I finally decided that any time your boss encourages you to take time off, you should take it.

I arrived at the club at around 1:30, knowing I'd be the last one to sign up, and they'd never get to me. So I got my paperwork...looked around at all the people sitting in the sun drinking water and going over their 3 minutes (Actually the first 20-30 probably did 2-3 minutes...once the scheduled auditions were done, the rest of the cattle call contestants were fucked...especially after the lunch break. They were lucky to get a minute of time on stage). I looked at all of the people trying to one up each other and be "hilarious", and quickly left to go drink at Ginny's for the next 3 hours.

Just before 5, I called one of my comedy buddies to verify that, yes, I would have never made it for the audition had I stayed. So I did the only thing that made sense to me at the time. I went to Sugar's and ate a free steak and looked at titties. It wasn't all fun and games, though...one of the strippers leg-locked my head and spanked me for a dollar.

I went home to take an hour break from drinking before I had to go downtown. I took the bus to 6th Street and hit all the usual hotspots where jagoffs tend to stay away from: Casino El Camino, Jackalope/Cucaracha...and I ended the night at Mugshots. Guess who was drinking there? The Last Comic Standing people.

My friend Matt was there and apparently knew them, because he immediately introduced me to them as "the funniest comic in Austin" (he must have been drunk). This would have been a great opportunity to network with these talent scouts/producers...Unfortunately, I had been drinking for almost 12 hours. The big guy who had been giving people shit all day during their auditions asked me, "So...why didn't you try out today?"

I looked at him and said, "Because your show sucks."

Realizing what just came out of my mouth, I followed it up with, "Oh, um...and also because most of my material you couldn't put on Network TV."

"What, are you too vulgar?"

"No, I'm funny...and I say 'fuck' a lot."

And that was the end of our conversation. I don't remember much after that. He either walked away from me, I got bored with him, or both.

So there you go, kids. If that assface was mean to you when you went up, keep in mind that I got to unintentionally burn him later. I think what I learned from this experience is that if I ever want to get on the TV, I better work on my networking skills...Either that or just continue being me and not worry about trying to get on a reality show that should really be called "Last Comic Who's Mildly Entertaining but Bland Enough to Put in a Sitcom Standing."

02/27/06 Rollergirls and Last Comic Standing

I wanted to post this before tonight's "Rollergirls" episode airs. In the show, Punky Bruiser goes up onstage at the Velveeta Room during open mic.

Now, I don't know Punky. I've never met her. But I wanted to relay some things you may not know about:

1) From what I understand, the producers asked Punky to either try stand-up or sell used cars. She wanted to sell cars.

2) The very first time you try comedy is fucking hard and nerve-racking. I can't imagine trying it when you really don't want to do it.

3) The crew taping in the club were dicks. I didn't stick around long enough to see Punky's set because the crew was in the way, acting like they owned the place.

4) When you do open mic, you're given 3 minutes. You get a light from the back at 2. When you're on stage, time has no meaning, really. 7 minutes could pass and it feels like 1. The lights they set up made it 10 times as hard to see the flashlight in the back. Needless to say, Punky went long on her time.

The drama of reality shows is due to the editing, if you haven't figured that out yet. While I support my friends in TXRD, the producers of the A&E show suck ass. I mean really...an hour long show about Lux and her boyfriend moving in together? What's the show about next week? Jonna Rose gets her driver's license renewed? That's some exciting shit. (Although Cha-Cha's outfit at the art show was outstanding. WOW.)

Bottom line: The show will most likely be edited to make Punky look like she did worse than she actually did...and that's not particularly fair.

While on the subjects of reality shows and stand-up comedy, "Last Comic Standing" is holding open auditions again this year at the Capitol City Comedy Club later this week. The first two auditions I boycotted. I was contemplating going to this one and treating it like a block party...showing up with a flask and a cooler full of beer.

I decided I'm not, though. None of my material will be what they're looking for, and even if I caused a big enough entertaining scene, they'd just edit me into being a jackass. They'd put me on the reject montage "American Idol" style sandwiched between a douche in a banana costume (thanks, Chris Allen) and an idiot with a puppet.

The open call is a smoke screen so they can choose from pre-selected comics who have scheduled auditions. It's a sham. Besides, me trying out for "Last Comic Standing" would be like your favorite local band's lead singer auditioning for "American Idol". It doesn't fit.

There's also the point that my best material can't be aired on network TV. You won't be hearing the phrase, "skull(beep) the babysitter" on primetime.

So, fuck you, no. I won't be going.

02/23/06 Mardi Gras Again?

Someone remind me to not go downtown next Tuesday. Christ. Celebrating Mardi Gras in any place other than New Orleans is like masturbating to the movie "Tomb Raider" and telling people you fucked Angelina Jolie. In New Orleans, it's a party. Here? It's day workers and teenage boys standing around with cameras and hard-ons.

Seriously, girls, what appeal is this for you? You know how scary drunk frat fucks are downtown anyway...imagine the same group of guys twice as drunk and horny. And you're going to flash your tits at them for jewelry that costs a nickel? Classy.

Remember to collect as many beads as possible and hang them on your car's rear view mirror to remind you of your skank level.

"Let's see...I need to get over in the right lane so I can exit. Is there anyone behind me? Oh yeah, that's right! I'm a whore!"

02/20/06 Seriously?

http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/basicinstinct2/

From the director of "Doc Hollywood" and the writer of "Desperately Seeking Susan"... Basic Instinct 2 .

Sharon Stone is...48.

Ew.

"I'm ready for my close-up, Michael."

"Yeah, Sharon...I don't think we're going to do that shot in this one."

"Why not?"

"Because it's been 14 years, and the thought of seeing your twat is making the crew gag on their catered sandwiches."

02/14/06 What The Fuck Is Wrong With You?

A conversation that just took place at work:

Me: "They were hunting from a car. They were on a private ranch that has quail in cages. They let the quail out of the cages for them to be 'hunted', and rich assholes shoot at them from their SUV's. The birds can't even fly."

Co-worker: "How'd Cheney shoot the guy in the face if they were in the same car?"

Me: "The old guy got out to go pick up a bird he killed and was walking back, when a couple attempted to fly off...Cheney shot at them...and ended up hitting a 78 year-old Republican in the face. Hahaha. Anyway, that's bullshit, man. That isn't hunting. Why don't you just shoot them in a cage?"

Douchebag (who wasn't even in the conversation): "Hey, don't knock it. Someone came up with that idea...hunting for rich people. It's a money-making idea."

Me (staring at him): "You know what else is a money-making idea? 12 year-old hookers in Bangkok. That doesn't make it fucking right."

(Douchebag mumbles and goes back to typing like a jagoff.)

02/07/06 Are you ready to rock? No? Good. Here's Bryan Adams.

Bryan Adams not happy with work

BOMBAY, India (AP) -- Bryan Adams is writing a new album, but of the 30 songs he's already come up with, he loves just three.

"There's a saying, 'It's easy to write songs, but very difficult to write great songs.' I'm going through that right now," Adams told reporters Friday while on his fourth tour to India.

Adams spoke of the discipline and objectivity that songwriters must have.

"It's a really difficult process," he said. "You have to be methodical and focused."

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Yes. It also helps to have some fucking talent. Wow...how bad are those 27 songs if even he doesn't like them? The lyrics of songs he's published are on par with poems written by 13 year-old girls.

"It cuts like a knife...but it feels so right..."

"Bryan, we're going to need a longer chorus."

"Okay...let's throw in a bunch of na-na-na-na's in there."

"Genius!"