You're So Lucky, New York -- A Testimonial

I just saw a report that New York City is considering a ban on "trans fats". "Trans fats" are the "bad fats" that are in the food we eat -- the stuff they use to deep-fry doughnuts and french fries.

Thank God, it's about time! I mean, really, New York City lawmakers, where would your poor, ignorant, morbidly obese citizens be without you to protect them? They'd just continue waddling through life, dumb as a post, gobbling down those heart-stopping, artery-clogging grams of goodness, enjoying themselves and acting like citizens with free will, deciding for themselves how to run their lives without hurting anyone else. That simply won't do.

When you think about it, where would they be now if they hadn't already banned smoking? The citizens of New York City (even the non-smokers, which is pretty much everybody anyway, right?) would undoubtedly all be dead or in publicly funded hospitals, hacking up their lungs and wheezing out the last breaths of their stupid, meaningless, inconsiderate lives. Now, thanks to you saviors of humanity, your fine residents can breathe that clean, pristine, New York City air they've all come to know and love. I'm sure that constant overhang of smog that's still there, not to mention the aromatic bouquet that's a mixture of urine, vomit, and diesel exhaust that permeates your streets, is caused by leftover cigarette smoke. Whew, thank God above for your wisdom and compassion, o keepers of men, so that your citizens and visitors don't have to breathe that awful, smelly, murderous stuff.

And now, what with your citizens and visitors being mentally and morally incapable of making their own decisions regarding their health and all, you've taken the brilliant step of saving them from themselves by trying to ban "trans fats". The last thing they would want, in a city globally famous for its world-class restaurants, is for their food to taste good. It's infinitely more important for their food to be healthy, right? At any cost, and screw anybody that doesn't think so, right? It really is up to you, you cutting-edge geniuses, to be at the forefront of the all-important issue of the "war on obesity". It's a proven fact that if you don't meet this threat head-on, the terrorists win. As a person who intends to visit and work again in The Big Snapple sometime soon, I'm so grateful to you that I'm going to get to eat the bland, flavorless veggies, tofu, and boiled potato strips that I've come to love so much in my lifetime.

My eternal gratitude to you, New York City lawmakers and www.bantransfats.com, for saving me from myself. Without you, your city might really suck. *Note -- a version of this was sent as a letter to www.bantransfats.com Roger