Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From "Lonesome Dove"
"Lonesome Dove" is a fiction novel by Larry McMurtry, which was made into a critically acclaimed TV mini-series in the '80's. McMurtry wrote four epic novels in the series, and "Lonesome Dove" is the third book in the saga.
It's set in the 1800's, and the story is centered around the lives of Captain Woodrow F. Call and Captain Augustus McCrae. They were Texas Rangers, the group of men who were charged by the Texas government to rid the land of bandits, violent Indians, and anybody who would hinder the growing settlements of Texas. The actual "Lonesome Dove" novel takes place after Call and McCrae have retired from the Rangers. They have decided to start a small ranch in south Texas, in a small town called Lonesome Dove, raising, selling, and renting livestock.
As people, Call & McCrae are both inseparable and total opposites. Woodrow Call is the prototypical stoic Texan -- tough as nails, terse in speech, rarely showing any emotion other than anger or impatience. He has a fanatical work ethic, and dismisses any activity other than work as frivolous and unnecessary. Gus McCrae is exactly the opposite -- jokester, philosopher, drinker, womanizer, and notoriously more interested in fun than work. They are perfect compliments to one another, and despite (and maybe because of) their differences, they are united in one common goal: to do their job, and do it well. They are both incredibly tough and determined, and their loyalty is undying. Their conversations, both long and short, comical and philosophical, consist mostly of Call trying to get Gus to work harder, and Gus trying to get Call to lighten up and enjoy life.
This series of novels is some of the best literature I've ever read. The stories, the characters, the dialogue, all capture the reader and don't let go. McMurtry's ability to take desolate settings and seemingly simple characters and make it all into something that infectious and fascinating is truly amazing. I highly recommend both the book series and the mini-series/movie (incredible performances by Robert Duvall as McCrae, Tommy Lee Jones as Call, Danny Glover as Deets, and many others). It's an investment of time, but well worth every second.
The following is some of the dialogue that left the most lasting impressions on me. American West philosophy at its finest.
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McCrae & Call are up early at their ranch in Lonesome Dove -- McCrae is up first, already making coffee and biscuits in a pot over a fire.
CALL: "Tend your biscuits. I expect you been up all night readin' the good book."
MCCRAE: "Well, it's hard to have fun in a place like this, but... I do my best. Biscuits are ready."
CALL: "We come to this place to make money, wasn't nothing about fun in the deal."
MCCRAE: "What are you talking about, you don't even like money. You like money less than you like fun. If that's possible."
-----
Jake Spoon, an ex-Ranger and friend of Call & McCrae (and also a notorious scoundrel and carouser) has just rejoined with Call and McCrae's group, after being gone several years.
SPOON: "Hey, didn't Deets have that same cap before I left?"
MCCRAE: "Well, you know Deets. He ain't one to quit on a garment, just 'cause it's got a little age."
-----
The men are all sitting around the table, eating breakfast. Jake Spoon is catching everybody up on what's he's been doing the last few years.
CALL: What about that trouble up in Arkansas?
SPOON: Damn muleskinner threw down on me in a saloon. Shot back at him with a buffalo gun. Killed a dentist. Pure accident, but... I killed him.
MCCRAE: He was just standing in the wrong place, huh?
SPOON: Actually, he was outside walking down the street! But a plank wall won't stop no .50 caliber bullet.
MCCRAE: But a dentist will. Heh heh....
-----
McCrae & Call are leaning on a fence, watching their men break horses. Jake Spoon has suggested that Montana is a "cattleman's paradise", and Call is enamored with the idea of being the first cattle ranchers in Montana. The story eventually revolves around this journey.
CALL: I mean it, Gus. Why not just... go north, with a herd?
MCCRAE: I'll tell you what. You ride on up there, clear out all the Indians, build a little cabin, get us a nice fire going in the fireplace, and me a Jake will gather a herd and then we'll come on up.
CALL: I'd like to see the herd you and Jake get together. Herd of whores, maybe.
-----
CALL: I want to do it, Gus. I want see that country.... before the bankers and lawyers get ahold of it.
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It's the last day before they start the drive of their herd of newly acquired cattle from Texas to Montana. Call & McCrae are watching their men round up horses and make preparations.
CALL: Fun's all over for sure down here, that's for sure.
MCCRAE: Fun?? What do you know about fun, Woodrow, you never had none your whole durn life. Fun is my department. And now that you're back, I think I'll ride into town and see if I can't scare me up a little bit of it!
CALL: We got enough to do right here without you riding off to town.
MCCRAE: I'm just trying to keep everything balanced, Woodrow. You do more work than you got to, so it's my obligation to do less.
----
Lorie is the town prostitute of Lonesome Dove. She's very pretty and smart, and all the men come to see her from time to time. She and Gus have a friendship as well as "business" relationship. But, she wants Jake Spoon (friend of Gus's), and has agreed to be with him. Gus, though, comes to see her one day when Jake is gone, and offers her $50 for a "poke". She doesn't want to, but can't turn down that much money (it's $50 in the 1800's, after all), so she reluctantly agrees.
The next morning, she has spent the night with Jake and is puttering around the bedroom as he wakes up. She had told him the night before about her "visit" from Gus, and he was angry (but not too much, since it was Gus, who he respects and somewhat fears). Lorie has decided she is going to go with Jake and the men on their trip to Montana.
LORIE: Go buy me a horse, will you? One that's not too tall? Here's fifty dollars.
JAKE: Is this Gus's money?
LORIE: It was.
Jake laughs.
The next day, Jake and Lorie come to meet the rest of the group and the herd. They're on horseback, and they come first upon Gus, standing on the ground.
GUS: Lorie, darlin'! Fine looking horse you're riding.
LORIE: Jake bought her for me. From Mary Pumpkin.
GUS: Well, I'm surprised she'd sell her.
JAKE: Well, I had fifty dollars to spend, Gus....
GUS: Money well spent, Jake. Both times.
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There was a big wooden sign that marked the front of Call & McCrae's ranch in Texas. It read, among other things, "We Don't Rent Pigs", and a Latin phrase, "Uva Uvam Vivendo Varia Fit". The last thing Gus did before they left was take down the sign and fasten it to the side of their wagon.
CALL: That was a dang stupid thing to do, bringing that old sign along. You'll have us the laughing stock of this whole country, with that "We Don't Rent Pigs" part.
MCCRAE: Well, we don't rent pigs. And I figure it's better to say it right up front, 'cause a man who does like to rent pigs is.... well, he's hard to stop.
CALL: And if that ain't bad enough, you got all them Greek words on there too.
MCCRAE: I told you, Woodrow, a long time ago... it ain't Greek, it's Latin.
CALL: What does it say, in Latin?
MCCRAE: Well, it's a motto, it just says itself... "Uvarum, Uvarum Fit, Uvarum.... double Fit..."
CALL: You don't have no idea what it says, you just found that in some old book. For all you know, it invites people to rob us!
MCCRAE: Well, the first man that comes along that can read Latin is welcome to rob us, as far as I'm concerned. I'd like the chance to shoot at an educated man, once in my life.
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The group picked up a young Irishman named Sean along their way. As they are crossing a river, he is attacked and killed by a nest of water moccasins in the middle of the stream. The men have to bury Sean on the bank of the river, as they were miles from any town and he had no other family in America except his brother, who is with them also. His brother tries to sing an Irish song during the burial, but is too emotional to finish it. Gus speaks up for him.
MCCRAE: I'll say a word.... just a word. He was a good, brave boy, he had a fine tenor voice and we'll all miss him. There's accidents in life, and he met with a bad one. We may all do the same if we ain't careful. Dust to dust. Now, let's the rest of us go on to Montana.
CALL: He's right, boys. The best thing you can do with death is ride off from it.
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Call and McCrae are on horseback, riding into San Antonio. Their cook left them after the incident crossing the river, so they are looking for a new one. The last time they saw San Antonio, it was a small settlement full of bandits and warring Indians, which they cleared out, captured, or killed as Texas Rangers.
CALL: This town sure has growed since the last time I was here.
MCCRAE: Durn people, making towns everywhere. It's our fault, too.
CALL: Our fault?
MCCRAE: Well, we chased out the Indians, didn't we? Hung all the good bandits? Did it ever occur to you, that everything we done was a mistake? Me and you done our work too well, Woodrow. Hell, we killed off most of the people that made this country interesting to begin with, didn't we?
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Woodrow has just beaten a Cavalry man nearly to death, who was beating up his son Newt (who Woodrow never outwardly claims as his own). He had to be lassoed and pulled off the man by Gus on horseback. Call has now mounted his horse to leave, and turns to address the crowd of citizens who have gathered, jaws agape, watching the fracas.
CALL: I hate rude behavior in a man. I won't tolerate it.
----
Still In San Antonio, Gus and Woodrow ride up to a short, chubby Mexican man with tables full of fresh vegetables, fruit, and other food he has made to sell.
PO CAMPO: Buenos dias.
CALL: Howdy. We're taking a herd of cattle up to Montana and lost a cook.
PO CAMPO: Yes. I go with you. My name is Po Campo.
MCCRAE: Wait... Can you cook? Our boys is awful particular.
PO CAMPO: Try this. I fried them only this morning.
He takes them a small bowl full of small fried morsels, and lets them both take one. They try them.
CALL: Dang, that's tasty!
MCCRAE: Is it some kind of candy?
PO CAMPO: Grasshopper.
Call spits his out. McCrae grins and swallows his.
CALL: Grasshopper. Our boys ain't gonna take much to eating bugs.
PO CAMPO: I cook good beefsteak too. And pie. Just one minute, I be ready to go with you.
CALL: Well hang on there a minute. You ain't gonna get off down the trail a mile or two, and go missing your wife or something, like our last cook done, are you?
PO CAMPO: My wife is in hell, where I sent her. She could make good biscuits, but her behavior was terrible.
MCCRAE: I think this is our man.
CALL: Well, we need a cook.
MCCRAE: I'll go up the street and buy you a horse.
PO CAMPO: No. I will walk. I do not ride animals.
CALL: What do you mean, you don't ride animals?
PO CAMPO: It is not civilized. Are we not animals also? How would you like it if somebody rode you?
McCrae and Call are next seen walking into a saloon.
MCCRAE: That's what I like about the man, he's a philosopher.
CALL: I hired him to give you somebody to talk to. That'll free the rest of us up, maybe to get a little work done.
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Same saloon in San Antonio, a few moments later. Call and McCrae walk up to the bar.
MCCRAE: I'd like a shot of whiskey, and so would my companion. If it ain't too much trouble. The bartender looks at them, annoyed. McCrae turns to a table of men playing cards. Howdy boys, you got a good game going there? Murmurs of "... who the hell is that?" come from the table. Nobody answers McCrae.
MCCRAE (to bartender): You got mud in your ears, or what?
BARTENDER: Rye, or what'll it be, old timer?
MCCRAE: Rye will do, provided it gets here quick.
BARTENDER (visibly irritated): Durn cowboys oughta broom yourselves off before you walk in here. We got all the sand we need without the customers bringing it in. He pours a shot for McCrae. That'll be a dollar.
McCrae lays a silver dollar on the bar. As the bartender reaches for it, McCrae grabs him by the hair and slams his head onto the bar. He then pulls out his pistol and presses it against the man's nose. Call grins and turns away.
MCCRAE: Now, besides the whiskey, I think we'll require a little respect. I'm Captain Augustus McCrae, and this here is Captain Woodrow F. Call. Now, if you care to turn around, you can see how we looked when we was younger. When the people around here wanted to make a settlement.
McCrae puts the gun against the bartender's cheek and turns his head around. He's now facing behind the bar, looking directly at an old framed photograph of McCrae, Call, and Jake Spoon as Texas Rangers years ago.
MCCRAE: Now, the thing we didn't put up with back then, was dawdling service. And as you can see, we still don't put up with it.
McCrae tosses his empty shot glass in the air, and shoots it with his pistol.
MCCRAE: Now then. If I could have a fresh glass, please.
BARTENDER (still holding his profusely bleeding nose): You just broke my nose!! You old son of a....
McCrae clocks him with his gun on the side of the head. He slinks to the floor unconscious. McCrae pours himself and Call a shot from the bottle on the bar. They raise their glasses to toast.
MCCRAE: Well, here's to the sunny slopes of long ago.
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On horseback, riding away from the saloon.
CALL: You're just mad 'cause they didn't know who you was. You're lucky they didn't throw you in the jail.
MCCRAE: It ain't much of a crime, whackin' a surly bartender. I guess they may have forgotten us, though.
CALL: Why wouldn't they forget us? Hadn't been around here in years.
MCCRAE: No, the reason is we never got killed, that's why they forgot us.
CALL: That is a dang foolish thing to say.
MCCRAE: No it ain't. If a thousand Comanches had cornered us in a gully somewhere and wiped us out like the Sioux just done Custer, why they'd remember us sure. Hell, they'd be writing songs about us for a hundred years.
CALL: Hell, there never was a thousand Comanches in one bunch in the whole world, you know that.
MCCRAE: That ain't the point, Woodrow.
CALL: What is it, then?
MCCRAE: In another 20 years, we'll be the Indians and they'll be trying to stick us on a reservation just to get us out of the way.
CALL: I'd say that's danged unlikely.
MCCRAE: That may be right.
CALL: I reckon I am. I doubt we'll last another 20 years.
---
McCrae's "long lost love" is Clara. She now lives in Nebraska, and Gus has stopped by her house to see her on the way to Montana. Accompanying him is Call, Newt, and Lorie, the ex-prostitute and semi-girlfriend of Gus's.
MCCRAE: It's happiness itself to see you, Clara.
CLARA: I'm surprised you dare bring that girl to my house.
MCCRAE: Why, I thought you liked Lorie.
CLARA: I do like her. I mind, though. She's so young, and pretty.
MCCRAE: I told you what happened. It's accident she's even on this trip!
CLARA: Oh? I never notice you having "accidents" with ugly girls.
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Deets, a black man who has been an employee, partner, and friend of Call and McCrae for many years, has just died. They've buried him, and all the men are very upset. Call made a sign and placed it as a marker on Deets' grave. Gus and Pea Eye (another cowhand) are watching.
MCCRAE: I've seen Woodrow bury many a man before, but I ain't never seen him carve a sign for anybody. Let's go see what it says.
PEA EYE: What's it read, Gus?
MCCRAE: It says: "Josh Deets. Served with me 30 years. Fought 21 engagements with the Comanche and the Kiowa. Cheerful in all weathers. Never shirked a task. Splendid behavior." That's what it says.
Bear in mind that these words, coming from Captain Woodrow F. Call, were akin to saying, "Josh Deets. I wish he would have married my daughter."
That was just a small sample of some of the more memorable lines, but there's much more where that came from. I urge anybody to read (or watch) Lonesome Dove. You won't regret it.
Roger
