Dear Mr. Clapp -- Please Stop Sucking in My Hometown's Name

I've been wanting to say this for a couple of years, ever since I heard this guy's name. BITE MY HILLBILLY ASS, JOHNNY KNOXVILLE.

You suck. You're not funny, you're not cool, and you have absolutely no talent. You're a idiot and a fool, a sub-jagoff species. You really are a jackass, you don't just star in the movie. And your name is Johnny Knoxville. You were allegedly born there, but let me be one fellow Knoxville native who says "Please don't represent us."

I've never been a fan of "stage names", as a rule. Sure, if your name Eugene Finkleheimer and you're trying to be a rock star, that's fine. Change your name to Nikki Sixx, or whatever. But don't use my damn HOMETOWN as your last name, and then go be a totally un-funny, un-cool dickweed in public. For money. Your real name -- P.J. Clapp -- would have been just fine for what you do. Really, what could be better for a guy who makes his living getting kicked in the nuts for money, than to have the last name "Clapp"?

In fact, a good friend of mine, a kick-ass guitar player and the guy I was in my first band with in Knoxville, now lives and plays in Atlanta and goes by the name Johnny Knox. No, that's not his real name. His real name isn't Finkleheimer, but it's not exactly a cool rockabilly name either. So, fine, he changed it. Which is fine with me, because Johnny Knox is 8 million times hipper and more talented than Johnny Knoxville. And he isn't a 35-year-old dork trying to act like a high school kid. And he doesn't let himself get kicked in the nuts for money. Oh, wait... he's a musician. Yes he does. But at least he gets metaphorically kicked in the nuts for some artistic purpose, unlike Johnny Knoxville. That douchenozzle just does it because he's a no-talent camera whore.

Anyway, I made a grievous error in not putting Johnny Knoxville on my "10 People I'd Really Like To Punch In The Face" list. This will be amended directly.

Roger