Five Steps To Honky-Tonk Heaven

I was talking to a friend the other night at the Hole In The Wall about what the city needs as far as new venues, and where, how , and why, he should open up a new one if he's able. We talked a bit about it, and then I came home and started thinking in more detail, apart from his particular situation. If somebody were to decide they were going to build a cool new bar, and they asked my advice, what would I say? I just sat down and started Utopi-izing, and here's what I came up with. It's sort of my recipe for Honky Tonk Heaven.

1) THE BUILDING: A cool old building (mostly wood) about half-again the size of Ginny's. Maybe Riley's Tavern size. A two-sided thing inside, either front/back or side/side. Side by side is better, with a big open window or some other way that the band can see and be seen by the other side. Maybe with a thick wall between, so you can be on the other side and still see & hear the music through the window (or whatever space), but not be blasted out by it. Like Manhattan's in Knoxville but with more stage visibility.

2) INSIDE

On the non-music side, have 3 pool tables and a bar with plenty of stools, and a few booths or tables.

FOOD: Serve bar snacks, hot & cold, that can be easily pre-made or made from frozen. Robert's in Nashville has the perfect set-up on this -- just a big ol' griddle, 2 fryers, a big toaster oven, and a microwave. Serve burgers, dogs, chili dogs, fries, tater tots (those sound GREAT when you're half-hammered). Have frozen SAM'S CLUB mini-pizza rolls or pizza slices, mozzarella sticks, corndogs, and burritos. Maybe ballpark nachos and popcorn -- salty stuff makes people want to drink (thanks Don!). Have just basic, easy-to prepare, fast cooking stuff at first. Maybe add a specialty or two if the first stuff turns a big easy profit. Have NOTHING on the menu that requires a chef or anybody with cooking experience, or any real food-service experience. It's a waste of money and just begs for trouble in this kind of joint. Keep it simple and cheap -- drunk people don't care. You don't necessarily need people to come there for the food, you just need to make them stick around another hour for it (one hour = at least 2 beers). You make relatively easy cash, with little hassle, the folks are happy, and maybe they don't drive home quite as buzzed. Note also that I said have 3 pool tables on this side, not all of them. Save a couple for the music side, so on empty nights if anybody plays pool, they can play on the music side. Old-school video games or darts are OK too, but NOT on the music side.

ALCOHOL: In this kind of place, a liquor license is nice, but you can get by just fine (and maybe even have a cooler vibe) if you put off the expense of the liquor license at first and just have a "beer & setups, b.y.o.liquor" thing. A good, long, 6-to-10 "happy hour" is a good idea for weeknights. Maybe $1 Lone Star cans (or whatever your very cheapest wholesale beer is) or $5 pitchers. Maybe add a "ladies night" or whatever kitchy promo night you can think of. Off-the-wall specials are cool too, like "anybody in a purple trucker cap" or "anybody who can name all the 4 main South Park Kids" night, or whatever. But whatever you do, make the specials consistent and easy to remember. They need to know when and how and where they can get cheap beer, so remember these are drinkers you're dealing with. Memories are easily blurred -- keep it simple. As far as regular beer prices go, NEVER make people pay more than $2 for a low-shelf beer like Lone Star or Schlitz or PBR, no matter what the "going rate " is. A fairer price for them is $1 to $1.50. You can fall into the trap of "charging as much as you can get away with", but this pisses off your regulars who remember when they were a dollar cheaper last year, as well as the newbies who can drink it at home for half that much. There's just no point in it -- if you plan to stay open longer than a year or so, that is.

On the music side, have a stage a little over a foot high, as solid as possible underneath (so you don't have that hollow thunk that makes everything sound like crap onstage). Depth about 8-10 feet, width about 10-15 feet. Not sure about those dimensions exactly, just that it should be more wide than deep. All instruments are horizontal -- the only real vertical instrument is the upright bass, and even it takes up a buttload of space with the way you have to play it. You don't want everybody standing in a horizontal line or anything, but that's better than everybody up there jammed into a little box, pissing each other off, half the band closed off to the audience. Lee's in Minneapolis has a pretty perfect stage. For a big sound system -- you don't need one. In a room that size, you need a 6-8 channel powered PA head, nothing fancy, nothing digital. Two small monitors, two big mains. A couple of mike stands would be nice. Everything else you could provide (mikes, cords, etc) will be promptly stolen. The Hole In The Wall has a great PA setup -- it could be nicer and more consistently functional, sure, but it would be a waste of money for the bar. What they have is totally adequate and fair. I also like their policy of "any musical equipment left behind more than 1 day will be given away for free to other bands". Basically, "This ain't a pawn shop, and it ain't your storage unit. Take your shit with you." I've scored a capo and a guitar stand this way, and I don't feel too bad about it. Don at Ginny's Little Longhorn also did a cool thing; he went on the stage (err... band area) before he closed every night, picked up the dropped picks, and put them in a big jar. That pick jar saved my ass several times. And I'm sure it accumulated plenty of my picks over the years. It's just a cool thing for a bar to do. You can make a musician's night that way.

3) Now, THE MUSIC.

WEEKNIGHTS (Tue./ Wed./Thurs): I've seen new venues fail because they "want to treat the musicians right", and offer huge guarantees to everybody, give them free food and beer, a big fancy PA, and a soundman. Forget all that. For a brand new venue, you should offer weeknight guarantees of $150 + a tip jar that gets passed at least two times per night. You should offer to the band discounted (or a flat $10 worth of) food, and $1 beers. Another nifty little trick to make musicians love you is, if you can get away with the small guarantee, throw them an extra $50 or whatever at the end of the night. It's always nice for an act to get more than they expected, and it makes you look like a cool guy.

You should also non-verbally guarantee (they will learn themselves once they play there) a courtious and friendly staff who pays attention to who the musicians are and treats them well. Basically, a small cash guarantee can seem a hell of a lot bigger when the band has a good time, and can count on a totally positive experience every time. From a musician's standpoint, if you're playing to a small crowd for little money, you can leave there in a lot better mood (and want to come back for the same money) if you get some free food, cheap beer, and a cool staff to hang out with in the down time. A cool bar staff is so key to any good venue, from the musician's standpoint and from the bar's. Easier said than done (I know how flaky the service biz can be), I know, but at least a concerted effort will be beneficial to the venue, tenfold. By the way, an attractive staff doesn't hurt a bit, either. In fact, it helps. A lot.

On weeknights, you should have a regular rotation of 3 acts -- "Dude X" on Tuesday, "The Chick Y Trio" on Wednesdays, and "Band Z" on Thursdays. That keeps it easy for your booking guy, and bands with good followings are cash cows. If you help create that following, all the better. And the bigger the crowd, the bigger the tip jar money, and the less you have to guarantee. If you think a popular gig isn't a big moneymaker for everybody, just ask Toni Price and the Continental Club.

WEEKENDS: Weekends should be your best money nights, if you don't start out overreaching. I've rarely seen the "grand opening extravaganza" do a whole helluva lot for a club. Sure, you should spend some cash on a sure-fire seat-filler for your opening night or weekend, with some cool opening acts that you plan to have there frequently on weeknights. But don't bet the farm that a big opening night is going to bring you tons of business for months to come. Having a place that's consistent and comfortable is a lot more likely to keep your doors open than a big-deal opening weekend. Do something right off the bat to at least put the place on the venue-radar, then keep it cheap, easy, and consistent. Most of the bars I see that have been successful for many years are the ones who almost never change. Think about it -- The Continental, Ginny's, The Broken Spoke (except for drink prices), any size place from Buddy's in Austin, to Lee's in Minneapolis, from Manhattan's in Knoxville, to The Rodeo Bar in New York City -- how different are those places from how they were the first time you ever went there? Maybe drink prices are slightly higher (but my musician drink prices at Ginny's and the Continental have always been the same), the bar staff has changed here and there, the music has varied slightly with the times, but otherwise it's the same. Same look, same layout, same menu, same vibe. And the longer your place lasts, the better vibe you have. Some new venues think they can create that "vibe" with kitchy art on the walls and cool bands. But there's nothing you can create that will bring you "vibe" more than good customers and time.

SUNDAYS: Sundays are pot luck. It's up to you, whatever you think will work. I think the best example of a good Sunday idea is Chicken Shit Bingo at Ginny's Little Longhorn. That's right, they cover up the pool table with a big piece of plywood painted like a bingo card, surround it with chicken wire, and bring out the chicken they keep as a pet out back to "do it's thing". Same concept as Cow Pie bingo, or whatever critter-bingo-like rural pastime you please. There's a 2 dollar entry fee, and a whole buncha squares. Winner takes all. They have popular regular acts playing inside, usually in shifts of 3 months or so, it's a daytime thing that ends at 6:00 or so, and the place has been packed every Sunday since day one. If it were me, I would add a grill or two out back and serve burgers and dogs or tacos or whatever on each Sunday, but that happens sometimes there anyway. Anyway, a regular "gimmick" daytime Sunday thing that totally fits "your crowd's" taste is a damn good idea, especially if you can incorporate your outdoor space at all. But don't spend a bunch of money and anxiety on it by making a big hoo-hah out of it. Just make it fun and relaxed and simple. It's a Sunday thing. If 20 people show up, it's cool. If 200 show up, even better.

4) One last key element: KEEP THE BULLSHIT OUT. Once again, easier said than done. But one sure-fire thing that will keep both good musicians and good customers far, far away is when your other customers are assholes. If a guy knows that he can go to a place without having drunken frat boys leering and playing grab-ass with his girlfriend, they'll both come back, and they'll bring their friends. If you see a couple walk in the bar totally looped, arm-in-arm and swinging around a baby in an Elmo carseat, call them a cab and escort them OUT. Nothing kills a good night more than your customers standing around wondering to each other, "Umm... Should somebody call CPS?". From a musician's standpoint, if a band knows that if some grime-caked hippie with a harmonica sits down at the front table and starts "jamming" with you, or if some hobo wanders in off the street, grabbing the mike and screaming, "House Of The Rising Sun!!!", the staff will toss them out on their ass, it will significantly add to your "cool joint" quotient with musicians, which helps everybody involved. Even more, your REGULAR CUSTOMERS (barflies and pool players, a.k.a. your bread and butter) will appreciate it greatly if, when a gaggle of yuppies struts in because they had too much wine with dinner and want to go someplace "funky", you give your regulars preferential treatment. Don't leave your regulars standing at the bar waiting for ten minutes while you explain to some BeDockered dork's drunken date that you don't have goddamn wine coolers. Also, when you see a regular come in, you'll be their freaking hero if you offer them a free first round -- they're probably drinking cheap beer anyway, so it costs you about 50 cents and you gain a lifetime customer. Your regulars are your best damn friends in the world -- do them right and they'll stick around, and so will you. The days when the "vibe" at Ginny's was the very coolest was in the days when Don was around (he passed away a few years ago) and was keeping the place in shape. Everybody was always welcome and encouraged to have a damn great time, even get a little rowdy now and then. But there was absolutely NO bullshit when Don was around. People repeatedly acting like jerkasses (often drunken frat boys or previously-barred, semi-homeless meth-heads) were asked once very politiely to leave, and then tossed to the sidewalk if they didn't. Done and done. Nobody had to worry about a thing. You could relax and have a good time, because Don had it taken care of. The theory is, if you kick two rude people out, their loss of business is nullified by the number of customers you keep happy. Happy customers tell their friends about the good time they had, and come back themsleves with friends in tow; for people getting booted out, it's probably not the first time for them. They won't tell a damn soul. So, it's a profit for the business -- an idiot or two lost, 10 happy customers gained.

5) There's one basic question anybody thinking of opening up a cool, small-ish, new music venue should ask him/herself: "Is this a place I will still want -- and be able to keep -- if nobody shows up?" I mean "nobody" figuratively, of course; if literally nobody shows up, then you might as well jump ship before 6 months is up. But if you have slow Tuesdays (at first you should close on either Mondays or Tuesdays, by the way), or big weekend shows that totally bust, are you going to totally lose your ass? Remember, you're not "helping the musicians" at all by going belly-up in 6 months. You help them a lot more by staying open, being consistent, and building up your club. If they can't count on you being around next year, they're not going to come play your place, especially not for what you can pay.

As the venue gets a buzz and then starts building up a consistent crowd, no matter who's playing there, then you can get ambitious and start holding multi-band big money weekends, and start guaranteeing your weekly bands more money. But give your place a year or two to get established, then get ambitious. Don't make the mistake of thinking your great ambition is going to make you money -- it's the other way around. The capital you make (in both dollars and vibe) will feed your ambition, if you're smart. There's a reason most new venues (bars, restaurants, both, whatever) go under within a year -- they're born from ambition, but maintained through patience and consistency. Most folks don't seem to have that formula figured out.

So, there's my Five Steps to Honky Tonk Heaven. I guess it's my advice to any person bat-shit crazy enough to open up a new joint and think they can make it work. Just work hard, be smart, and don't be a jackass. A good honky-tonk is God's gift to good people.

Roger