The 'Haties -- The Bad Apple Of Retro

My God, I haven't written a blog here in two months! That's mostly because I've written 21 articles at http://blogs.foxsports.com/RogerCWallace since the middle of December. I know most of y'all could care less about that sports crap, but if you check it out there's some damn funny stuff on there. Actually, the moronic comments are much more entertaining than my posts themselves. It was originally a contest-thing, and I had the pleasure of busting (and getting booted from the contest) a little twerp for word-for-word plagiarizing another column, and the arguments there were hilarious. I also got to jab a smartass frat boy in the eye with a verbal hot poker for a month or two, which was also a treat. It's all silly, petty, pointless, and hilarious.

Anyway, that's not the reason I'm writing this. I'm writing this because I'm sick of the '80's.

I know this might slightly irritate some of my closest friends, who love a lot of '80's music. Sorry, y'all. But my personal opinion is that music and culture took a huge turn for the suck in the 1980's. The 1980's is when we went from an analog world to a digital world. Synthesizers replaced pianos (and most other instruments). Clocks went from hands & Roman numerals to lights & numbers. They started putting computers in cars. Records and tapes began to be replaced by CD's. TV's stopped having picture tubes. Remote controls & cable TV replaced getting up and having to turn a knob to one of 4 channels. All of these are changes for the better, as far as convenience goes. But quality? Maybe, maybe not.

Music reflected this the most -- country became more countripolitan than ever. Punk became wussified "new wave". Funk had already been replaced by disco, which then became the crappy pop we still endure today. Even blues had a cheese factor that hasn't been seen before or since.

So, when I see '80's music and culture being propped up by today's "retro", it truly makes me queasy. I am completely an '80's adolescent -- I graduated high school in 1989 -- and when I hear people saying how cool bubble gum metal hair bands and new wave music were, I want to holler, "No they're not!! They were barely cool then at best, and they're definitely not cool now!!" I was listening to Van Halen, AC/DC, and ZZ Top when only hoods listened to them. After that, they became cheesy (OK, maybe not AC/DC), and only chicks dug them. One of my first arena concerts was Bon Jovi, with Cinderella opening, and I still only went because my girlfriend wanted to. And I didn't know a single dude (that didn't come out of the closet in 10 years) that dug New Wave/dance music.

This always happens, though -- whenever a new retro movement starts, the people that actually lived in the era think it's ridiculous. Remember when '70's bell-bottoms and tie-dye came back in the '90's? Pretty much anybody who was an adult in the '70's said, "You gotta be kidding me. That stuff was ugly then, and it's ugly now -- there's a reason it went out of style!" And it's pretty much the same way with the new '80's retro movement. I was there for it and all it's uber-white goofiness, and I truly have no desire to relive it.

With all that said, here's my arbitrary "Best And Worst Of The '80's" lists:

Top 10 Good Things That Happened In The '80's

1. Hip-hop music -- That's right, I said it. Hip-hop. Rap music. The wheels of steel and a microphone. There's plenty of people that don't call it music at all, but I totally disagree. I understand the point, and would normally be inclined to agree -- it was originally (and still mostly is) just talking over other records, with no original melody and nobody playing an instrument -- but it is the one and only style of music to be actually conceived and invented in my lifetime. Really, how creative and ingenious is that? Teenagers in a basement, couldn't afford instruments, so they would make up lyrics on the spot and rap them over the instrumental breaks in their favorite rock and funk records. Then they got the idea to spin the records (on a rigged two-turntable setup) back and forth so they would always be on the instrumental breaks. Then they started making it so the records worked with each other, even using the scratching noise it made as part of the music. Guys like Grandmaster Flash and The Sugar Hill Gang started it in the late '70's, then acts like Run-DMC and The Beastie Boys ("Raising Hell" and "License To Ill" were two of the first records I ever bought with my own money) brought it to the masses in the '80's. Now it's a multi-billion dollar corporate enterprise, and one of the most popular styles of music in the world. And, while sequencing and sampling are still a huge part of hip-hop music, many acts like Snoop Dog, Ice Cube, and Digable Planets (in the '90's) use real instruments in their live acts, and incorporate real funk and even jazz into their stuff. Too bad that most of today's hip-hop is goofy and juvenile, though. It doesn't have to be, it just usually is.

2. Stevie Ray Vaughan -- when I was a big blues Nazi playing in my first bands, I used to get sick to death of hearing dudes hollering "Play some Goddamn Stevie Ray!!" at every gig. Then, right around the time he died, I actually listened to him. He was without a doubt one of the greatest guitar players in history, period. He was a perfect mix of technical proficiency, raw musical talent, and pure soul. In my opinion, he was a better player and singer than Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton (sorry, Michele!), Jeff Beck, or any of the Steve Vai-type instrumental wankers. Why? Because he could do everything they could do, but there was plenty that he could do that they couldn't do. And none of them could play the sum total of everything -- blues, rock, jazz, etc. -- as well as him. I know he's become a cliche', with every blues guitar player in the last 20 years trying to look & sound like him, but that's really a tribute to his influence. Everybody tries, and nobody can touch him.

3. Prince -- one of the few actually talented pop/R&B acts in the '80's that didn't end up broke, in jail, or giving "Jesus juice" to little kids. Really, the guy can sing his ass off, write great songs that hold up over time, dance like a freak, and play some damn blistering guitar. He started from nothing, made his first records in his room at his parents' house, and became (and still is) one of the biggest drawing performers in the world. He has the "entertainer trifecta" -- he can sing, dance, and be funny. He's a pure entertainer in the classic sense of the word, no matter how big a freak he is.

4. The Fabulous Thunderbirds -- my favorite blues/rock band of all time. They were more traditional than Stevie Ray and Double Trouble, not as cheesy as Roomful Of Blues. Kim Wilson had stellar vocals and is one of the best & most influential harp players ever, and Jimmie Vaughan's guitar playing is one of the most original styles there has ever been. I could write volumes on J.V. (I actually prefer him to Stevie), but I'll just say he's one of my biggest influences as a rhythm guitarist, even though he plays a different style than I do. Keith Ferguson (original bassist) was a legend and a huge influence over a generation of blues/rock bass players, and Mike Buck (original drummer) had, and still has, one of the most unique and tasteful styles around. Preston Hubbard (bass) and Fran Christina (drums) was their rhythm section during their most popular years, and are incredible players in their own right. The T-Birds had a perfect mix of tradition and originality, as well as guts and proficiency, especially in their first few records. I still listen to those first records all the time.

5. George Thorogood (first 4 albums) -- Speaking of "first few records", the beginning of George Thorogood's career in the late '70's was as gritty and cool as they come, much different than the chunky-cheesy cliche that he became much later. Even though his first record was nationally released in '78, I included him on this list because he had most of his fame in the '80's. The original Delaware Destroyers were a souped-up blues/rock trio, made to be heard in a smoky little dive, with no goofy, squawking saxophone or studio junk. He played Hank Williams and Johnny Cash songs as much as he did Bo Diddly and John Lee Hooker. He had a cool mix of thumbpicking and slide guitar, and was an amazing player and a cool singer. I haven't seen him in years, but from what I hear he's just a shadow of what he once was. But those first few albums were just flat bad-ass.

6. Punk music -- although it technically started in the '70's, punk came of age in the '80's as a rebellion against whitewashed disco and corny folk-pop. It was ugly, it was hard, it was fast, it was mean. It was out of tune and off-key, and it was supposed to be. Punk was made to be a big fat middle finger to all established traditions, musical or otherwise. The Ramones in New York and The Sex Pistols in the U.K. get the most credit for starting the movement, but there were dozens of bands like Black Flag, The Cramps and Dead Kennedys on both continents that took it on and influenced an entire generation of rock fans and artists.

7. The Stray Cats -- The first glimpse in the pop world of the close relationship that exists between roots/rockabilly and punk music. A traditional rockabilly trio with tattoos and green mohawk/pompadours (mompadours), and black eyeliner? It had never been seen before, and it was a glimpse at an entire movement that is still going strong today. All the guys were great, influential players, with Brian Setzer as the focal point. Setzer is an amazing guitarist, and he kept his career going when he started the Brian Setzer Orchestra during the swing craze of the '90's.

8. Early Van Halen -- I just thought the whole '80's hard rock movement should have at least one representative, and the David Lee Roth days of Van Halen were the best of the era. Like Thorogood, they released their first album in '78, but I included them in this list because they were at their biggest in the '80's. Roth was a goofball but an incredible talent, with a huge, versatile voice and an ability to sing hard rock without being screechy. Eddie Van Halen's guitar playing was innovative and ridiculous, and the next 20 years of rock guitarists owe at least 1/3 of their licks to him. Alex V.H. brought power and speed, and made thousands of rock drummers buy double-kick pedals for the next two decades. Michael Anthony was a monster bass player, and did those insane ethereal high harmonies without the use of a vice grip. One of the greatest rock bands of all time, and they actually happened in the 80's.

9. Raging Bull -- Originally panned as too "arty", this movie became an all-time classic. It vaulted the De Niro/Pesci dynamic into one of the best teams in cinematic history, and cemented Scorsese as one of the best directors of all time. I can't believe that a film this cool was actually made in the '80's.

10. Scarface -- What the hell else can you say about this one? It's an all-time classic, one of the greatest films ever made. A perfect story about the greed and drug culture of the '80's. It let us see Pacino's true range as an actor, and made him one of the greatest actors of a generation, if not in history. Picture Michael Corleone and Tony Montana side by side -- hard to believe it's the same actor, much less that the two characters were completely believable and realistic. "Scarface" also gave us "Say hello to my little friend!", a phrase that's now so ingrained in pop culture that half the people who say it don't even know where it came from.

Top 10 Bad Things That Happened In The '80's

1. Synthesizers -- The Starship and Europe. Is there anything else that says "musical travesty" more? A perfect example of how "new" doesn't always mean better. Who was the genius that said, "See? It sounds just like drums! I mean, you can't even tell the difference between this and a real guitar!" The synthesizer sucked out any soul that may have been left in pop music by 1982.

2. New Wave/Pop music -- We can only hope that Simple Minds and Depeche Mode have been exiled to a remote island, where they use synthesized high-pitched voice dronings to rule over their minions of pop-pygmies, forcing them to mine for genitalia. If you ever enjoyed this music, then or now, you are out of the dude club forever.

3. Bubble-gum hair metal -- Wow, how many people's Dads looked at a Poison video on MTV and said, "God, what a weird looking chick." Screechy vocals, guitars that sounded like nails on a chalkboard, men with big poofy mall-hair, makeup, and spandex. Verrry rock-n-roll. I knew more chicks with Bon Jovi hair than guys. A guy in my high school with hair like Bret Michaels would have been beaten severely, with a nice, brutal swirly taking care of any dignity he may have had left. I always wanted to see a video of Angus Young and Ozzy Osborne getting hammered and beating the shit out of Ratt.

4. U2 -- The most overrated rock band of all time. Pretentious, mediocre pop-rock. I'm not saying they completely suck -- they were "fine", I suppose. But the idol worship they get is dumbfounding. Much more a product of marketing and social-issue-whoring than actual talent.

5. Valley girls -- They were annoying then, and to see them revered as "retro-cool" makes them twice as annoying as they were 20 years ago. I didn't even think they were hot when I was 12, when I thought everything was hot, and I sincerely wish they would have actually been gagged with spoons when they were constantly begging for it. Thanks for making the word "like" into a freaking punctuation mark in American teenage lexicon.

6. Power ballads -- The melodramatic, girly-voiced, weepy, synthesized love songs of groups like Chicago and Air Supply. So sad that they were the soundtrack for our skating rinks and awkward school dances. No wonder we couldn't talk to girls -- we were being audibly emasculated and we didn't even know it!

7. Yuppies -- Even in those days, seeing a dude with khaki pants and a sweater tied around his neck made me inexplicably ball up my fist and want to hit something. Hair coiffed, sprayed, and feathered, Beemers, country clubs, and cocaine. Navy blue crested blazers, yellow-and-navy ties, sunglasses on the top of the head. White teeth, orange skin. Young Urban Professionals was a nice way to say "tight-assed white people". Hard-core Republicans with family money and delusions of grandeur. Too bad they didn't die out when they should have. But they still stalk our urban landscape -- except now they're called "dot-commers".

8. Skater culture -- The "brother culture" of the Valley girl. So very badass, swooping around in drainage pipes in giant pants. Yes, I had a skateboard. I rode it around for about a year. Then I turned 15 and got over it. Anybody over the age of 14 who gives a flying bellyflop about skateboards has got some issues. Thanks for giving us the word "dude", and all it's 4000 meanings. And thanks also for making us endure the X-games, where skater dudes and chicks get to make money and pretend they're real athletes.

9. The mullett -- The Kentucky Waterfall, the Tennessee Top-Hat, the Achy-Breaky-Big-Mistakey, the Canadian Passport. Call it what you will, the good old "business in the front, party in the back" hair-don't has infested our cultural landscape since the '80's. The fact that people still wear it today has spawned a pop-culture phenomenon, complete with books and websites. I had a sweet one in high school -- it was the "ball-cap" variety, complete with feathers on the sides and wings in the back. Then came 1990. It's unbelievable that mullet sightings are still plentiful in 2006.

10. Tom Cruise -- He started as a teen heartthrob in goofy teen movies. Then he became an grown-up heartthrob in goofy grown-up movies. He's been in a couple of decent flicks, playing virtually the same character in each one. Is he gay? Who the hell cares?? He's just plain freaking annoying and weird. "Rain Man" was his piece de resistance, and he's been nothing but a pain in the ass ever since.

I'm sure there is plenty of stuff that could have been added to both of these lists, but those were the best I could come up with. If you have any more good ones, let me know. I tried to confine it to stuff that came out of the '80's, that actually still exists or affects us today. And if any of y'all tell me to put Billy Idol on the "good" list, I'll cyber-slap you right in the grill.

Roger