DON'T READ THIS

I know y'all hate this, but I'm doing it anyway. Everybody gets on my case for writing sports stuff, because the vast majority of music fans could totally and utterly care less about sports. So, I'll put a couple of little things up front that even y'all sports-haters might enjoy, then you can move on to your Texas Hold 'Em, or the latest news on "The Apprentice", or Ebay, or nudie pit-chers, or whatever reason you're on the internet in the first place:

1) USC Halloween Prank -- As some of you know, I'm not a big Halloween guy. No reason, I'm just not all into it. I'm also not a big fan of practical jokes -- I think they're occasionally funny, but mostly they're self-serving and juvenile. BUT, this is a Halloween practical joke that is just damn funny, period.

USC has been the #1 team in college football for the last 3 years. One of their star running backs is LenDale White, and their coach is Pete Carroll. During a practice on Halloween this year, White and Coach Carroll got into a small argument, which turned into a bigger one. White started getting out of hand, yelling at the coach about not getting enough playing time, said "I quit!", and stalked off the field in a huff. The other players were shocked, but Carroll calmed everybody down, saying "Come on guys, we've had players go down before. We just have to move on." They resumed practice. Then about 10 minutes later, they hear a noise from the roof of a building across the street. They all look up, and there, to everyone's surprise and dismay, stands LenDale White, teetering on the edge. He's standing up there yelling at everyone down on the field, while his teams stands there dumbfounded watching him. Then, suddenly, he disappears from the ledge back onto the roof. And just as suddenly he reappears, but this time it's as he is flying through the air, hurtling to the ground.

Someone is videotaping, of course, and the reaction of the players is priceless: there's this giant gasp, as players realize that their friend and teammate has just thrown himself off the roof of a building. Then, a split second later, the gasp changes to a guffawing "Haaaawwwww!" followed by roaring laughter and high-fives, as their "friend" floats to the ground, twisting in the wind, and bounces harmlessly off the lawn. They had just realized that they had been severely suckered by their coach and teammate -- what they saw leaping to it's death was a black inflatable dummy dressed in a USC pratice uniform, complete with White's jersey. Happy Halloween, suckers.

2) World Series silver lining -- The Houston Astros made it to the World Series this year, for the first time in the history of the franchise (it was started in the '60's). However the hapless 'Stros were swept in the series by the Chicago White Sox -- 4 games to 0. A great sports talk show here in Austin (Chad & Kevin) did find a silver lining to the sweep, though: if the series had gone to Game 5, the pre-game entertainment was going to be Ashley Simpson. Whew... thanks for the mercy killing, White Sox.

OK, there's that. All you sports-haters feel free to move on to other net surfing. You're gonna hate the rest of this.

Since we're right in the thick of it now, I'll start with football.

First, college ball. Let me start this section by saying that my interest in college football has seriously waned over the last few years, mostly because it's ridiculous to go through a whole season only to end up with no real champion. The BCS system is ruining college football. The thing that gets me on the BCS is that it's a controversy that's not really a controversy at all -- literally everybody (fans, players, coaches, analysts) hates it. The only people that speak in favor of it are the BCS officials: "See? Everybody's talking about it, and that's good for college football. And now it's more popular than ever. See? See?" But college football is succeeding in spite of the BCS, not because of it. It's all a good-old-boy moneymaking scheme, and the game itself is totally irrelevent to them. I guess it's just nonsense to them that college football is the ONE AND ONLY major athletic competition that decides its champion through a computer system, not a championship tournament or playoffs. And they could do it too, and keep the bowl system at the same time: just make a playoff bracket, and call each game a "bowl game". Then the individual bowl corporations could bid every year to get each game. The Rose Bowl could be the championship, the Orange Bowl and Fiesta Bowl could be the semi-finals, and so on. They could make more money, keep the bowls alive, and have a playoff system with a true champion. Everybody's still rich, and everybody's happy. But no.... there's way too much old money and power at stake. Assholes.

So, we're finally at a point in the season where it looks like there's a clear #1 (USC) and #2 (Texas) who will be playing in the Rose Bowl, barring any bizarre losses by either team. USC has the better offensive machine, and Texas has the better defense. Both teams have Heisman candidates who can totally take over the game if given a chance. USC is going for it's third BCS title in a row, which has never been done before, so the pressure is on them more than Texas. USC, being #1 all year, will be the natural favorite. But Texas has a dangerous and explosive team, and has as good a chance of beating them as anyone has had in three years. I wouldn't go so far as to say they will win, but I wouldn't pick USC over them either. It's going to be a great game.

The Heisman race: Reggie Bush of USC is the front-runner, with last year's winner and temmate Matt Leinart also in the race. But Vince Young from Texas is giving him the real competition -- and deserves to win the Heisman. Here's the one and only thing Woody Paige ever said that I agree with: Vince Young can do everything Reggie Bush can do (run the ball like a freak), but there's things (like play quarterback) Young can do that Bush can't do. Same goes for Leinart. Vince Young is as good a runner as Reggie Bush, and he's as good a quarterback as Matt Leinart. OK, Leinart may have a better arm, but he can't take over a game like Young. Vince Young is the best player in college football this year, period. And that means he deserves the Heisman.

OK, screw Skip Bayless. I've always been a big fan of his, as a guest host and Luckeye-hater on the Jim Rome Show. I've always liked his hateful rants against those who deserve it, and I was glad to see him opposite Woody Paige (who turns my freaking stomach) on Cold Pizza. BUT, he's apparently lost his mind on his assessments of Texas and Vince Young. I think it's only a career move, really -- since he's made nice-nice with Ohio State now, he had to find another school to have public mutual hatred with. He said that Ohio State (who Texas beat) would give USC a better game on a neutral field than Texas. WHAT?? OK, it's an arguable point, but no way. Next, he actually said that Marcus Vick is a better open-field runner than Vince Young. Again.... WHAT???? There is no argument here -- Vince Young is pure freakery running the ball. Marcus Vick is fast and fairly elusive (but nowhere close to his brother), but when you watch Vince Young in the open field, you usually end up saying, "How the hell did he do that???" I've never said that watching Marcus Vick. Young is 6'5", runs like a gazelle, takes 3 yards per stride, has quick lateral movement, and has the balance of a goddamn Russian ballerina. There's no way somebody his height should be as hard to tackle as he is, but somehow he stays on his feet, taking hit after hit (apparently he's made of rubber as well), and strides into the end zone. He doesn't get the credit he deserves because he makes it look so easy -- he hardly looks like he's even trying. And he's developed as a passer this year too, although his arm motion has to drive NFL scouts insane. He should stay at Texas one more year, if he doesn't want to become an NFL receiver (which he would be great at if he can catch) instead of quarterback. He's got great zip and accuracy, but those side-armed throws will get hammered by NFL linemen every time. Anyhow, Vince Young is a freak and better win the Heisman.

In other college football -- my poor Vols. I've always like Fullmer as a coach, but it's time for him to go. OK, they "fired" Randy Sanders, but he's not the only problem. All those QB problems and sloppy play are the fault of bad preparation and poor motivation -- which ulimately falls on the head coach. When it gets to the point that your fans can predict your offensive playcalling with about 80% accuracy, it's time for some fresh blood. Fullmer has been a great coach, but he feels distinctly Johnny Majors-like right now.

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On to the NFL. Biggest story is Terrell Owens, of course. Screw that "T.O" name/initials crap (did you know that Allen Iverson's own mother actually calls him "A.I."?? Guess that makes her "Mrs. A.I." Thanks to Jim Rome for that one); we'll just call him "To". Thanks again, V. Smack.

I think we can all agree that To is a narcissistic jackass, and avoid rehashing all the psychoanalysis. Unfortunately, he is also an athletic freak of nature. Even more unfortunately, the combination of he and Drew Rosenhaus (why do I even know any sports agents' name, for Christ sake??) is a "perfect storm" of ego, ready to destroy anything in its path. This guy, not To, is the biggest jerk-ass in sports. He is what is wrong with it all, what turns fence-rider sports fans off of athletes and professional sports. I think it's only about 70% greed with him, though -- the rest is pure oblivious ego, not-so-cleverly disguised behind a loud mouth and 10 tons of hair gel, as genuine care for his clients' best interests. If he cared about To's best interests as a player and person, he would have made him keep his mouth shut and just play ball like the future hall of famer he is (or would have been) a long time ago. Instead, he manipulated a borderline mental case into thinking everything he wants is right, and everybody else is against him -- which completely fuels the self-destructive nature of a guy like To. So, To's done with the Eagles, which was his best opportunity to become a legend for something else besides being a jackass, and now he'll move on to some other team that doesn't really want him. I did hear Michael Irvin (one of To's closest pals) say something very telling of To's situation; if he screws up again on the next team he's with, he's going to lose the few people that have stayed in his corner. So, I think he'll get a short contract with whoever he goes to, be a good boy for a year (a la Randy Moss), and then we'll see what happens. I doubt he can keep his ego in check for more than a season, though. He'll start his nonsense again, and then he'll retire, and everybody will say "good riddance". He's been like this his whole career, and it's pretty unlikely he'll change.

Back in the real-world NFL, here's some stuff: The Pats are looking pretty shaky, but they're showing their characteristic heart. Although Bruschi is a freak and came back from a stroke, they've got 3 playmaking starters (Harrison, Seymour, Dillon) either banged up or lost for the season, 2 more starting cornerbacks out, plus their workhorse receiving running back (Faulk) is out. What they have left is a team that's at 75% at best, in a system that didn't run on pure talent to begin with. A system, no matter how genius, can only take you so far -- when you've got guys like poor 5'10", 180 lb Asante Samuel, who is a 3rd string corner at best, trying to chug around and make plays under the armpits of guys like Marvin Harrison, you're going to get killed. Fortunately, they're in the paltry AFC East, and may actually have a chance of making the playoffs.

Now, the Cowboys. After Monday night's ridiculous (and undeserved) win against the Eagles, they actually have a shot at winning their division. They're winning or losing every game in the last 2 minutes, and it's really tough to keep winning that way, so I don't see them going farther than one round in the playoffs. But I'm digging the 3-4 defense (Demarcus Ware is plain bad ass), Roy Williams is a monster, they're protecting Bledsoe, they've got a pretty solid running game with Jones & Barber, and Keyshaun and Terry Glenn are doing their jobs. They just have to keep it up, which they haven't proven they can do in the last few years. Actually, they really screwed themselves by overachieving and making the playoffs in Parcells' first year, so he couldn't get the draft picks he needed to be ready for this year. Gotta love the parity system.

You have to go with Colts as favorites in the AFC this year, with their improved defense. Payton hasn't been firing off TD's like bottlerockets like he usualy does, but the offense has been methodical and efficient, with a solid running game. In the NFC, who knows?? The Cowboys? Seahawks? Falcons? Maybe, maybe, and maybe. Somebody (like the Bucs -- screw Chris Sims) are going to fall off, and somebody else will forge ahead, as always. And by the way, screw Skip Bayless again for always screaming about how bad Michael Vick is, pointing to his QB rating and passing percentages. Those are extremely overrated stats, and there's a reason he keeps defensive coordinators up at night trying to figure out how to stop him, and there's a reason he has one of the best win-loss records in the NFL. It's because he's a freak. After all, he does have, as he said a few years ago, "two weapons: my head, my arm, and my legs."

Roger